807-73 

AL22s        Alden.   W.    L. 

AUTHOR 

Shooting   stars 


TITLE 

6280 


807.73   Alden,  W.  t. 
AL226      Shooting  stars 

6280^ 


V I x  ' 

AS    OBSERVED    PR*M 


THE  "SIXTH  COLUMN"  OF  THE  TIMES 


BY 

W.  L.  ALDEK 


NEW    YORK 

G.    P.    PUTNAM'S    SONS 
1878. 


COPTBIOHT,    1878,    BY   G.  P.  PUTNAM'S    SONS. 


SRLF, 
URL 


957-02-3 


CONTENTS. 


PAGB 

SHOOTING  STARS 5 

THE  TOMBIGBEE  INCIDENT 12 

A  SPANISH  SMUGGLER 18 

CHRISTMAS  AT  WINDSOR  CASTLE 25 

SERENADING  IN  ST.  Louis 32 

A  PATENTED  CHILD , 38 

RIGHTEOUS  RETRIBUTION 45 

PRACTICE  AMONG  THE  PIUTES 52 

GIBBERISH , 59 

CARRIE'S  COMEDY 65 

A  CHICAGO  IDYL 73 

SCIENTIFIC  MENDACITY 80 

THE  BELLE  OP  VALLEJO • 87 

THE  SLIPPER  REPORT 93 

POPULAR  ELECTRICITY 100 

LONG  ISLAND  HUNTING 107 

MR.  SlMPKINS'  DoWNFAIiL 114 

THE  Six  BUTTON  PRINCIPLE  . .  .121 


iv  CONTENTS. 

PASS 

A  REMEDY  FOR  BRASS  INSTRUMENTS 127 

SNORING 134 

THE  BAFFLED  BOY 141 

CARTHAGINIAN  PIRATES 148 

Too  MUCH  CABBAGE 154 

VEKY  POPULAR  SCIENCE 161 

A  SLEIGHING  TRAGEDY 167 

THE  MANAGING  YOUNG  MAN 174 

SEDENTARY  ABILITIES . 180 

CAT-FISHING 187 

A  MOURNFUL  INCIDENT 193 

DOGS  AND  GHOSTS 200 

RED  HAIR 206 

THE  PERIODICITY  OF  STORIES 213 

THE  LATEST  CASE  OF  HAZING.  .  .  219 


LIST    OF    ILLUSTKATIONS. 

THE  TOMBIGBEE  INCIDENT 12 

PRACTICE  AMONG  THE  PIUTES 52 

THE  BELLE  OF  VALLEJO 87 

MR.  SIMPKINS'  DOWNFALL 114 

CARTHAGINIAN  PIRATES 148 

CAT-FISHING 187 

DOGS  AND  GHOSTS 200 

THE  LATEST  CASE  OF  HAZING..  219 


SHOOTING   STAES. 


"THROM  time  immemorial  the  shooting  star  has 
ministered  to  the  happiness  of  lovers.  When 
two  hearts  that  beat  as  one,  with,  of  course,  the 
usual  accompanying  organs,  limbs,  and  clothes,  are 
seated  on  the  piazza  in  the  quiet  of  a  summer  even- 
ing, a  kiss  may  properly  be  exchanged  whenever  a 
meteor  is  seen.  Upon  this  point  all  the  authorities 
from  ANACREON  to  the  Sun,  are  unanimous.  SOCRA- 
TES, indeed,  went  so  far  as  to  hold  that  nature  pro- 
vides shooting  stars  and  bridges  for  the  sole  benefit 
of  lovers,  for  in  the  eighteenth  book  of  the  "  Mem- 
oriabilia,"  he  is  reported  to  have  said  to  ALCIBIADES, 
in  the  course  of  an  argument  for  the  existence  of 
the  gods,  based  upon  the  evidences  of  design  in 


6  SHOOTING    STARS. 

nature  :  "  You,  yourself,  0,  ALCIBIADES,  know  that 
if  you  or  I  cross  a  bridge  while  sleighing,  or  dis- 
cover a  meteor  in  the  firmament,  we  consecrate  a 
kiss  to  Zeus.  Why,  then,  did  Zeus  create  bridges 
and  meteors  unless  in  order  that  you  and  I  should 
— "  At  this  moment,  as  XENOPHON  informs  us, 
XANTIPPE  entered,  and  the  sage,  suddenly  recol- 
lecting that  he  had  an  appointment  down  town, 
abruptly  dismissed  his  class  in  philosophy.  We 
do  not,  however,  need  the  authority  of  the  ancients 
to  prove  the  existence  of  a  custom  familiar  to  us 
all.  This  custom  has  naturally  trained  the  youth 
of  both  sexes  to  great  skill  in  the  detection  of 
meteors.  It  is  not  very  long  ago  that  a  young 
lady  of  Oshkosh,  while  sitting  with  her  betrothed 
on  the  back  piazza,  pointed  out  to  him  thirty-six 
meteors  in  the  course  of  a  single  hour,  and  subse- 
quently permitted  her  astronomical  enthusiasm  to 
lead  her  to  insist  that  the  flashes  of  a  lantern  in 
the  hands  of  a  brakeman  engaged  in  coupling 
together  a  long  freight  train,  were  so  many  addi- 
tional meteors  of  a  peculiarly  interesting  type. 


SHOOTING    STARS.  7 

Vassar  College,  as  every  one  knows,  contains  a 
vast  collection  of  girls  of  all  sizes,  weights,  and 
colors  of  hair.  Those  who  control  the  institution 
have  an  intense  horror  of  the  co-education  of  the 
sexes,  and  permit  no  male  students  to  cross  the 
threshold,  or  even  to  enter  the  front  gate  of  the 
college.  The  girls  are  strictly  secluded  from  all 
young  men,  and  the  members  of  the  Faculty  are 
united  in  a  determined  disbelief  in  the  existence  of 
all  cousins  and  brothers.  It  has  just  been  an- 
nounced that  since  the  14th  of  September  last 
the  Vassar  students  have  sighted  two  hundred 
meteors.  Now,  in  view  of  the  utter  dearth  of 
young  men  at  Vassar,  and  the  known  uses '  of 
meteors,  the  question  arises,  How  were  these  two 
hundred  meteors  observed  ?  The  question  is  one 
which  comes  home  with  tremendous  force  to  the 
parents  of  the  Vassar  young  ladies,  and  which  can- 
not be  lightly  set  aside  by  the  Vassar  Faculty,  who 
are  directly  responsible  for  the  method  in  which 
the  students  pursue  the  study  of  astronomy. 

Of  course,  every  one  knows  that  when  girls  are 


8  SHOOTING    STARS. 

bent  upon  dancing,  and  young  men  are  absolutely 
unattainable,  a  select  number  of  girls  are  frequently 
temporarily  transformed  into  theoretical  young 
men,  by  simply  tying  handkerchiefs  around  their 
left  arms.  It  may  be  pretended  that  a  similar  ex- 
pedient has  been  employed  to  aid  the  Vassar  young 
ladies  in  observing  meteors.  The  Faculty  may  as 
well  understand  at  once  that  no  such  flimsy  pre- 
tense will  satisfy  the  public.  Theoretical  young 
men  may  be  made  use  of  amid  the  excitement  of  a 
dance,  but  no  young  lady,  no  matter  if  she  were  to 
"  make  believe  "  with  even  greater  skill  than  the 
"  Marchioness,"  would  be  able  to  convince  herself 
that  another  young  lady  with  a  handkerchief 
around  her  left  arm  could  constitute  an  efficient  aid 
to  the  observation  of  meteors.  The  two  hundred 
meteors  lately  observed  at  Vassar  were  never  ob- 
served under  such  conditions.  The  girls  may  have 
sat  in  pairs  on  the  back  piazza,  with  a  pretended 
view  to  meteors,  but  if  so,  their  observations  were 
confined  to  dresses,  bonnets,  and  other  feminine 
phenomena,  and  not  to  the  starry  heavens. 


SHOOTING    STARS.  9 

Are  we,  then,  to  assume  either  that  the  astro- 
nomical observatory  of  Vassar  College  has  recently 
added  three  or  four  dozen  young  men  to  the  rest 
of  its  apparatus,  or  that  the  alleged  two  hundred 
meteors  were  never  really  seen,  but  were  the  in- 
vention of  a  number  of  ingenious  and  somewhat  too 
imaginative  young  ladies  ?  Fortunately,  we  are 
not  compelled  to  accept  either  of  these  hypotheses. 
To  suppose  that  the  Vassar  Faculty  have  fitted  up 
the  observatory  with  young  men,  would  be  to  im- 
pute to  them  a  reckless  determination  to  enforce 
the  study  of  astronomy  a*t  the  sacrifice  of  the  very 
principle  upon  which  Vassar  College  is  founded, 
while  to  suppose  that  young  ladies  would  profess 
to  see  meteors  when  none  were  visible,  is  to  charge 
them  with  the  one  offense  of  which  the  sex  is  never 
guilty — a  want  of  veracity. 

If,  then,  we  concede  that  the  two  hundred 
meteors  were  really  observed  by  the  Vassar  as- 
tronomical class  without  the  aid  of  any  additions 
to  the  usual  apparatus  of  the  observatory,  we  are 
brought  face  to  face  with  the  question,  who  is  the 


10  SHOOTING    STARS. 

Vassar  Professor  of  Astronomy  ?  He  may  be 
venerable  in  point  of  years,  and  absolutely  full  of 
science,  but  can  he  expect  to  be  believed  when  he 
pretends  that  he  teaches  the  young  ladies  the  uses 
of  meteors  simply  from  pure  love  of  science  ?  As- 
tronomers are  fond  of  taxing  human  credulity,  and 
it  must  be  confessed  that  they  usually  succeed. 
For  example,  the  pretense  that  they  have  discov- 
ered the  names  of  the  stars  by  aid  of  instruments 
and  calculations  is  almost  an  insult  to  common 
sense,  and  yet  it  is  universally  believed.  There 
is,  however,  a  limit  beyond  which  the  boldest 
astronomical  person  cannot  safely  go,  and  the 
Vassar  Professor  of  Astronomy  will  pass  this  limit 
if  he  attempts  any  such  defense  as  that  just  men- 
tioned. Possibly,  he  can  explain  the  whole  affair 
in  a  way  that  will  be  perfectly  satisfactory  to  every 
one ;  but  if  he  cannot,  let  him  at  least  be  frank 
and  truthful.  It  will  then  be  time  to  consider 
whether  the  study  of  shooting  stars  should  be  any 
longer  pursued  at  Yassar.  It  is,  of  course,  a  fasci- 
nating study,  but  it  can  be  pursued  as  a  post- 


SHOOTING    STARS.  11 

graduate  study,  under  the  direction  of  an  accom- 
plished cousin,  with  far  better  results  than  can 
attend  the  instruction  of  a  class  of  immature  girls 
by  an  ancient  scientific  person. 


THE    TOMBIGBEE    INCIDENT. 


nnHE  Town  of  Clayville,  situated  some  thirty 
-*-  miles  from  the  mouth  of  the  Tombigbee 
River,  is  at  present  greatly  excited  over  the  de- 
parture of  the  local  colored  minister,  who  recently 
started  down  the  river  on  board  a  large  and  strongly- 
built  colored  sister,  and  who  has  not  since  been 
heard  from.  The  circumstances  attending  the 
minister's  departure  were  peculiar,  and  their  publi- 
cation may,  perhaps,  aid  the  recovery  of  the  in- 
trepid, though  unintentional,  voyager. 

The  minister  in  question  was  of  the  Colored 
Baptist  persuasion,  and  was  famed  throughout  the 
Tombigbee  Valley  for  his  skill  as  a  baptizer,  as  well 
as  for  his  ability  as  a  preacher.  There  is  no  doubt 
that  he  was  a  fearless  and  conscientious  man.  In- 
stead of  maintaining  that  politic  silence  on  the  sub- 
ject of  chickens  which  rmmy  colored  ministers 
insist  is  absolutely  necessary,  in  order  to  avoid 
chilling  the  fervor  of  their  hearers,  this  particular 


THE    TOMBIGBEE    INCIDENT.  13 

minister  never  hesitated  to  declare  that  a  right  of 
property  in  chickens  existed,  and  that  it  should  be 
respected  in  certain  cases,  and  to  a  greater  or  less 
extent,  by  all  honest  men,  especially  during  the 
season  when  hams  are  readily  accessible.  This 
bold  doctrine,  instead  of  injuring  his  popularity, 
actually  increased  the  respect  in  which  he  was  held 
by  his  congregation,  and  gave  him  much  promi- 
nence among  his  ministerial  brethren. 

Among  the  colored  ladies  of  Clayville  was  one 
who  had  long  desired  to  submit  to  the  rite  of  bap- 
tism, but  who  was  deterred  by  a  nervous  dread  of 
drowning  and  by  a  strong  repugnance  to  the  inevi- 
table wetting  which  is  inseparable  from  the  rite. 
Scores  of  times  this  estimable  lady  had  determined 
to  be  baptized  at  the  next  available  opportunity, 
but  at  the  last  moment  her  courage  always  failed 
her.  In  the  days  prior  to  emancipation,  she  had 
been  the  slave  of  a  Clayville  planter,  and  she  still 
retained  a  warm  affection  for  the  young  master 
whom  she  had  nursed  in  his  infancy.  Not  very 
long  ago  this  young  man  called  to  see  her,  and  to 


14  SHOOTING    STARS. 

him  she  lamented  the  lack  of  courage  which  shut 
her  out  from  baptism.  Whether  he  was  influenced 
by  genuine  kindness,  or  by  a  wicked  spirit  of  irrev- 
erence, will  perhaps  never  be  known ;  but  the 
advice  which  he  gave  his  confiding  nurse  was  the 
cause  of  the  painful  tragedy  which  followed. 

The  young  man  professed  to  be  surprised  that 
the  new  safety  baptismal  robe,  invented,  as  he 
alleged,  by  Rev.  Dr.  PAUL  BOYTON,  of  New  York, 
had  not  yet  been  adopted  by  the  colored  Baptists 
of  the  South.  He  said  that  he  had  one  of  these 
robes  in  his  possession,  and  that  the  wearer  would 
not  only  be  safe  against  any  possibility  of  drown- 
ing, but  also  against  the  possibility  of  getting  wet. 
Moreover,  it  could  be  worn  underneath  the  usual 
white  cotton  robe,  without  any  danger  of  detection. 
The  overjoyed  candidate  for  baptism  enthusiasti- 
cally accepted  the  young  man's  advice  and  his  offer 
of  the  robe,  and  she  immediately  sent  word  to  the 
minister  that  she  would  certainly  be  ready  for 
baptism  the  very  next  Sunday. 

There  was  such  a  general  distrust  of  the  sister's 


THE   TOMBIGBEE    INCIDENT.  15 

courage  that  the  colored  people  all  assembled  on 
the  bank  of  the  Tombigbee  on  the  next  day,  confi- 
dent that  her  courage  would  fail,  and  that  she 
would  endeavor  to  escape  from  the  hands  of  the 
minister.  The  particular  part  of  the  river  selected 
for  the  ceremony  was  comparatively  shallow,  but 
the  current  was  swift,  and  a  little  lower  down  the 
depth  was  at  least  ten  feet.  In  fact,  the  minister, 
in  spite  of  his  skill,  had  once  lost  a  convert,  who 
was  carried  away  by  the  current,  and  who,  on  being 
rescued,  promptly  went  over  to  the  Methodists. 
The  timid  candidate  was  an  unusually  large  woman, 
and  was  certain  to  tax  the  minister's  strength 
severely ;  so  that  there  could  be  little  doubt  that 
the  ceremony  would  be  one  of  unusual  interest. 

The  sister  arrived  at  the  appointed  time,  look- 
ing even  larger  than  usual,  and  walking  with  much 
difficulty.  The  minister  took  her  by  the  hand,  and 
she  fearlessly  descended  into  the  water.  All  went 
well  until  she  reached  the  depth  of  about  four  feet, 
when  she  suddenly  fell  upon  her  back,  and  to  the 
astonishment  of  the  spectators,  floated  on  the  sur- 


16  SHOOTING     STARS. 

face  of  the  water.  The  excitement  at  this  unpre- 
cedented event  was  tremendous,  and  the  air  was 
filled  with  enthusiastic  shouts.  The  minister's 
face,  however,  wore  a  troubled  expression.  He 
towed  the  unaccountably  buoyant  sister  out  into 
deeper  water,  and  attempted  to  place  her  on  her 
feet.  The  attempt  proved  impracticable,  and  he 
then  tried  to  immerse  her  without  changing  her 
position.  In  spite  of  all  his  efforts,  he  could  not 
force  her  under,  and  the  spectators  who  witnessed 
the  struggle  soon  became  convinced  that  she  was 
bewitched.  They  counseled  the  minister  to  exor- 
cise the  evil  one  by  whom  she  was  evidently  pos- 
sessed, with  an  axe,  and  volunteered  to  supply  him 
with  heavy  weights  wherewith  to  securely  sink 
her.  That  devoted  man,  however,  refused  their 
counsel,  and  persisted  in  his  effort  to  immerse  the 
sister  without  the  aid  of  weights.  Finally  he 
threw  his  whole  weight  upon  her,  and  in  a 
moment  the  current  swept  the  pair  beyond  their 
depth. 

In  spite  of  the  danger  of  his  situation,  the  min- 


THE    TOMBIGBEE    INCIDENT.  17 

ister's  cheek  did  not  blanch.  With  great  presence 
of  mind  he  seated  himself  comfortably  upon  the 
floating  sister,  and,  waving  a  farewell  to  his  congre- 
gation, began  to  sing  a  cheerful  hymn.  The  cur- 
rent steadily  carried  him  on  at  the  rate  of  at  least 
six  miles  an  hour,  and  in  a  short  time  his  weeping 
congregation  was  left  out  of  sight  and  hearing. 
Without  oars  or  sails  he  was  unable  to  navigate 
the  sister  to  the  shore,  and  there  is  every  reason 
to  suppose  that  before  the  next  morning  he  was  far 
out  on  the  Gulf  of  Mexico. 

Captains  of  vessels  navigating  the  Gulf  have 
been  requested  to  keep  a  sharp  lookout  for  a  col- 
ored sister  in  a  Boyton  life-saving  dress,  carrying  a 
colored  minister  on  her  deck.  Let  us  hope  that 
he  will  soon  be  picked  up.  He  has  now  been  afloat 
five  days  without  provisions  or  water,  and  must  be 
beginning  to  feel  the  need  of  refreshment.  Of 
course,  any  Captain  who  may  rescue  him  will  not 
ask  for  a  reward,  but  if  he  tows  the  sister  into 
port  he  can  claim  salvage  to  a  large  amount,  and 
libel  her  in  the  nearest  admiralty  court. 


A   SPANISH  SMUGGLER. 

"T  FERE  is  another  of  those  occasions  which 
-* — *-  cause  the  conscientious  journalist  to  wish 
that  he  had  never  been  born.  The  cold  world 
little  thinks  of  the  terrible  cost  at  which  it  is  some- 
times furnished  with  the  news  of  the  day.  There 
are  events  of  which  the  public  must  be  apprised, 
but  which  cannot  be  told  without  lacerating  the 
feelings  of  the  earnest  and  sensitive  narrator.  An 
event  of  this  nature  has  just  happened  in  Madrid. 
It  would  be  cowardly  and  dishonest  to  suppress  it. 
Moreover,  the  story  comes  directly  from  the  State 
Department  at  Washington,  and  it  is  by  no  means 
certain  that  its  suppression  would  not  be  an  act  of 
rebellion.  Let  us,  then,  go  forward  boldly  and 
discharge  a  painful  duty  without  murmuring. 

The  Spaniard  is  not  usually  thought  to  possess 


A    SPANISH    SMUGGLER.  19 

inventive  genius.  Among  all  the  important  inven- 
tions which  have  been  made  since  the  union  of 
Castile  and  Arragon,  the  art  of  "  walking  Spanish  " 
is  the  only  one  which  has  been  attributed  to  the 
Spanish  intellect.  But  there  has  at  last  appeared 
a  Spaniard  who  is  clearly  entitled  to  be  ranked  as 
one  of  the  ablest  of  living  inventors,  and  it  is  the 
history  of  his  invention  which  must  now  be  laid 
before  the  public. 

The  city  of  Madrid  is,  as  every  one  knows,  a 
walled  city.  It  is  not,  however,  generally  known 
that  nearly  all  merchandise  which  is  brought  into 
the  city  has  to  pay  a  special  duty,  no  matter  if  it 
is  an  imported  article  which  has  been  already 
taxed  at  a  Spanish  custom-house.  This  is  the 
case  with  petroleum.  It  is  heavily  taxed  when  if; 
enters  Spanish  territory  and  is  again  taxed .  still 
more  heavily  when  it  enters  Madrid.  Hence  a 
great  temptation  to  smuggle  is  offered  to  those  who 
supply  petroleum  to  the  inhabitants  of  Madrid,  and 
were  the  Spaniards  an  ingenious  people,  they  would 
devote  so  much  attention  to  smuggling  that  they 


20  SHOOTING    STARS. 

would  have  no  time  left  to  celebrate  their  annual 
revolutions. 

In  the  outskirts  of  Madrid  Don  JOSE  DE  ANTI- 
QUEDAD  Y  YUELTA-ABAJO  possesses  a  charming  villa 
with  extensive  grounds  and  numerous  outbuildings. 
He  has  long  been  known  as  an  extremely  benevo- 
lent man,  always  ready  to  approve  of  any  act  of 
charity,  and  eager  to  point  out  fields  of  philan- 
thropic usefulness  to  other  people.  About  six 
months  ago  he  announced  that  the  condition  of  the 
babies  of  Madrid  filled  him  with  grief,  and  that  he 
was  determined  to  alleviate  their  sufferings.  In 
the  course  of  an  elaborate  essay,  which  he  pub- 
lished in  pamphlet  form,  he  demonstrated  that  in- 
fants could  not  be  reared  without  artificial  aid  in  a 
crowded  city.  He  claimed  that  no  matter  how  ex- 
cellent might  be  the  intentions  of  the  mothers  of 
Madrid,  they  could  not  furnish  their  infants  with 
desirable  board  because  their  systems  were  affected 
in  a  deleterious  manner  by  the  unwholesome  at- 
mosphere of  the  city.  As  for  the  auxiliary  bottle, 
he  condemned  it  with  much  fierceness.  "Never 


A    SPANISH    SMUGGLER.  21 

with  my  consent,"  said  this  excellent  man,  "  shall 
the  youth  of  Madrid  undergo  the  humiliation  of 
the  unsympathetic  and  unsatisfactory  bottle." 
The  true  solution  of  the  problem  how  to  feed  the 
babies  of  Madrid  was,  however,  a  simple  one  in  his 
estimation.  He  announced  that  he  would  keep 
constantly  on  hand  a  large  supply  of 'unexceptiona- 
ble nurses  at  his  suburban  estate.  There  is  some 
difficulty  in  translating  his  exact  descriptive  phrase 
into  English,  but  perhaps  it  will  suffice  to  say  that 
his  nurses  were  warranted  to  be  able  to  supply  the 
wants  of  the  Madrid  infants  without  the  aid  of 
bottles.  In  short,  they  were  to  be  self-acting,  pe- 
rennial, and  inexhaustible,  and  with  their  assistance 
Don  JOSE  DE  ANTIQUED  AD  Y  VUELTA-ABAJO  under- 
took to  supply  Madrid  with  pure  Naranjos  County 
— well !  at  all  events  the  Madrid  infants  were  to 
be  fed. 

A  few  weeks  later  and  Don  JOSE  advertised  that 
his  establishment  was  in  complete  order,  and  that 
his  nurses  would  enter  the  city  daily  to  wait  upon 
their  customers.  Apparently,  he  had  a  great  many 


22  SHOOTING    STARS. 

patrons,  for  a  few  days  later  a  procession  of  at 
least  a  dozen  extremely  plump  Spanish  women, 
whose  very  appearance  was  sufficient  to  awaken 
the  hunger  of  the  most  dainty  infant,  made  their 
appearance  at  the  city  gate.  The  custom-house 
officers  gazed  at  them  with  respect  and  admiration, 
and  warmly  congratulated  the  Madrid  infants  upon 
their  good  fortune.  The  praises  of  the  benevolent 
Don  JOSE  were  in  every  mouth.  The  local  press 
published  frequent  leading  articles  asserting  that 
the  local  infants  were  thriving  to  an  extent  hither- 
to unknown,  and  hinting  that  the  grand  regalia  of 
the  Order  of  St.  Intimidad  had  been  given  to  many 
men  who  deserved  it  less  than  did  the  beneficent 
Don  JOSE.  For  three  months  the  procession  of 
nurses  entered  the  city  at  morning,  noon,  and 
night,  and  grew  in  numbers,  until  it  was  no  un- 
usual thing  for  sixty  women  to  present  themselves 
at  the  gate  at  one  and  the  same  time. 

On  the  4th  day  of  March  last,  it  happened 
that  a  new  custom-house  officer,  Lieut.  COLORADO 
MADURO,  who  was  on  duty  at  the  Zarzuela  gate 


A    SPANISH    SMUGGLER.  23 

when  the  noon  procession  of  nurses  made  its  ap- 
pearance. He  was  a  thoughtful,  intelligent  man, 
but  he  was  not  popular  with  the  small-boys  of 
Madrid.  Just  as  the  leading  nurse,  Senora  Rosa 
Concha,  entered  the  city,  a  stone,  thrown  at  the 
officer,  missed  its  mark  and  smote  the  nurse  in  the 
region  of  the  lungs.  To  the  officer's  great  aston- 
ishment, the  blow  produced  a  hollow  metallic 
sound  which  at  once  awakened  his  suspicions. 
Without  a  moment's  delay,  Lieut.  MADURO  called 
out  a  file  of  soldiers,  and  arresting  every  nurse, 
sent  for  two  female  searchers  and  ordered  them 
to  do  their  duty.  Twenty  minutes  later  sixty 
exceptionally  thin  and  sad-looking  women  were 
marched  to  the  city  prison,  and  one  hundred  and 
twenty  cans,  of  a  curious  hemispheric  shape,  filled 
with  petroleum,  were  lying  heaped  together  where 
the  female-searchers  had  thrown  them. 

DON  JOSE  DE  ANTIQUEDAD  Y  VUELTA-ABAJO  was 
thus  discovered  to  be  an  impostor.  He  had  not 
furnished  a  single  Madrid  infant  with  pure  Naran- 
jos  county — well,  food.  He  was  not  a  philan- 


24  SHOOTING    STARS. 

thropist,  and  he  cared  neither  for  nurses  nor  chil- 
dren. He  was,  however,  an  audacious  and  inge- 
nious smuggler,  and  the  long  success  of  his  artifice 
has  so  overthrown  Spanish  faith  in  woman,  that 
none  but  the  thinnest  and  most  level  of  the  sex 
can  pass  a  Spanish  custom-house  without  under- 
going the  most  rigid  scrutiny. 


CHRISTMAS  AT  WINDSOR  CASTLE. 

~T~T  is  rarely  that  the  public  obtains  a  glimpse  of 
-*-  the  private  life  of  monarchs.  They  are  never 
seen  by  their  subjects  except  in  full  dress,  and 
equipped  with  what  New  England  people  are  ac- 
customed to  call  "  company  manners."  Thus  only 
the  outer  shell,  so  to  speak,  of  the  German  Em- 
peror or  the  British  Queen  is  known  to  their  peo- 
ple. We  all  know,  of  course,  that  the  Emperor 
is  mortal,  and  hence  must  at  times  put  on  a 
night-shirt,  and  that  even  Queen  VICTORIA  must  do 
up  her  back  hair  on  going  to  bed,  just  as  though 
she  were  an  ordinary  British  matron,  but  even  the 
most  enterprising  special  correspondent  is  unable 
to  describe  these  imperial  and  royal  acts  from  his 
own  personal  knowledge.  We  of  this  generation 
are,  however,  exceptionally  fortunate  in  regard  to 
the  good  and  gracious  Queen  of  England.  In  the 
2 


26  SHOOTING     STARS. 

Life  of  the  Prince  Consort,  which  is  virtually  writ- 
ten by  her,  we  are  taken  into  the  interior  of  the 
royal  palace  and  admitted  to  the  privacy  of  the 
royal  family.  It  is  safe  to  say  that  the  present 
generation  is  acquainted  with  the  royal  family  of 
England  more  intimately  than  any  previous  gener- 
ation has  been  acquainted  with  any  other  royal 
household.  The  Queen's  description  of  a  Christ- 
mas at  Windsor  Castle  is  of  especial  interest  just 
at  present,  and  as  it  has  not  yet  been  published  in 
this  country,  a  summary  of  it,  obtained  from  advance 
sheets,  may  interest  the  public. 

The  particular  Christmas  referred  to  was  that 
of  the  year  1849.  Especial  efforts  were  made  to 
render  that  occasion  one  of  unusual  domestic 
felicity.  The  Prince  Consort  had  said,  "  Mother, 
we  must  have  a  first-class  shindy  for  the  children 
this  time,"  and  the  amiable  Queen  had  answered, 
"  ALBERT,  we  will  just  make  things  whoop."  Ac- 
cordingly, ah  immense  amount  of  presents  was 
provided,  and  the  royal  parents  determined  to  per- 
sonally superintend  the  filling  of  the  stockings — a 


CHRISTMAS    AT    WINDSOR    CASTLE.  27 

duty  which  ordinarily  devolved  upon  Lord  JOHN 
RUSSELL. 

"On  Christmas  eve" — so  we  are  told— "the 
Queen  remarked,  '  ALBERT,  I  believe  I  will  hang  up 
my  own  stocking,  and  you  shall  fill  it.'  The 
Prince,  with  that  excellent  good  sense  which  never 
failed  him,  replied  :  '  My  dear,  it  will  not  do. 
There  must  be  a  limit  to  the  size  of  stockings. 
Hang  up  a  pillow-case,  if  you  want  to,  or  even  a 
bolster,  but  remember  that  I  can't  afford  to  sit  up 
all  night  filling  unlimited  space  with  expensive 
presents.'"  Her  Majesty  thereupon  changed  her 
mind,  and  full  of  anxiety  to  make  her  husband 
happy,  volunteered  to  fill  the  stockings  herself,  so 
that  the  Prince  could  go  to  bed  early.  . 

During  the  evening  the  children  were,  of 
course,  unusually  wide  awake.  Half  a  dozen 
times  was  the  Queen  compelled  to  go  to  the  foot 
of  the  front  stairs  and  order  them  to  go  instantly 
to  sleep.  Threats  were  even  necessary  before  they 
could  be  quieted,  and  the  Prince  Consort  was 
finally  obliged  to  remark,  "  If  you  children  let  me 


28  SHOOTING    STARS. 

hear  one  more  word  out  of  you  this  night  I  shall 
come  up  stairs  with  a  club."  Whereupon  the  chil- 
dren ceased  their  uproar,  and  by  ten  o'clock  were 
soundly  asleep. 

"  It  was  the  wish  of  the  Prince,"  continues  the 
narrative,  "  to  sleep  in  the  nursery  with  the  chil- 
dren, so  that  he  could  see  them  open  their  stock- 
ings in  the  morning."  As  the  Queen  desired  to 
hang  a  portrait  of  herself  over  the  Prince's  bed, 
as  a  pleasant  surprise  for  him,  she  was  compelled 
to  wait  until  he  was  sound  asleep.  At  1  o'clock 
A.  M.  her  Majesty  stealthily  entered  the  nursery, 
with  seven  well-filled  stockings  hanging  on  her 
arm.  Just  as  she  crossed  the  threshold  two  of 
the  stockings  slipped  from  her  grasp  and  fell  with 
considerable  noise,  but  without  awakening  the 
children  or  interrupting  Prince  ALBERT'S  gentle 
snore.  It  so  happened  that  the  Duke  of  Welling- 
ton, when  filling  the  stove  for  the  night,  had  inad- 
vertently left  a  coal-scuttle  in  the  middle  of  the 
floor,  and  the  Queen,  not  dreaming  of  such  an 
obstacle,  fell  over  it  with  a  loud  crash.  The 


CHRISTMAS    AT    WINDSOR    CASTLE.  29 

Prince  of  Wales  moved  uneasily  in  his  bed,  but 
continued  to  sleep  soundly,  as  did  all  the  other 
children  and  their  gracious  father.  Fortunately, 
the  Queen  fell  on  the  stockings,  which  were  largely 
stuffed  with  molasses  candy  of  a  yielding  nature, 
and  so  sustained  no  injury.  Finally  the  stockings 
were  hung  in  their  proper  place  and  the  Queen  pro- 
ceeded to  place  her  portrait  on  the  wall  over  the 
Prince  Consort's  head.  To  do  this  it  was  neces- 
sary for  her  to  stand  on  the  bed.  Now  to  walk 
over  a  well-filled  bed  in  a  dimly-lighted  room  is  a 
difficult  operation,  and  it  thus  happened  that  the 
Queen  stepped  somewhat  heavily  upon  the  Prince. 
It  was  the  last  straw  that  broke  his  princely  slum- 
bers, and  also  flattened  his  ribs.  In  those  cir- 
cumstances, instead  of  betraying  impatience,  he 
merely  groaned  heavily  and  exclaimed  :  "  Go  on  : 
mash  in  the  rest  of  them !  Get  the  Princess  of 
Cambridge  to  help  you.  Let  joy  be  unconfined  ! " 
and  further  language  to  that  effect.  So  moved 
was  her  Majesty  by  his  suffering  and  fortitude 
that  she  burst  into  tears  and  nearly  fell  upon  him, 


30  SHOOTING    STARS.  , 

thereby  eliciting  a  yell  of  terror.  This  woke  up 
the  children,  who  fancying  that  morning  had 
arrived,  clutched  their  stockings  and  began  the 
joyful  uproar  which  in  every  happy  home  ushers 
in  the  blessed  Christmas  morn. 

"  There  was  not  a  closed  eye  in  the  castle 
from  that  moment  until  breakfast  time" — con- 
tinues the  writer  of  the  narrative.  When  the 
royal  pair  met  at  the  breakfast  table  they  were  as 
tired  as  if  they  had  attended  a  ball.  The  Prince 
withdrew  to  his  own  apartment  as  soon  as  the 
meal  was  ended,  and  played  on  the  flute  for  several 
hours — an  exercise  which  always  calmed  his  mind 
and  fitted  other  persons  to  bear  the  prospect  of  his 
early  death ;  while  the  Queen  signed  three  death- 
warrants  with  a  firmness  which  she  had  never 
before  displayed.  Before  night  every  one  of  the 
children  was  writhing  in  the  agonies  of  colic,  and 
the  court  physician  had  expressed  the  opinion  that 
the  Prince  Consort's  ribs  were  in  a  most  precarious 
condition.  "It  was  then  decided,"  adds  the  royal 
biographer — "  that  the  custom  of  hanging  up  stock- 


CHRISTMAS    AT    WINDSOR    CASTLE.  31 

ings  should  be  abolished  in  the  precincts  of  the 
castle,  a  resolution  which  has  been  strictly  kept." 

We  thus  see  from  this  pleasing  glimpse  of 
England's  royal  household  that  Queens  and  Princes 
are  much  like  other  people.  It  is  impossible  to 
avoid  honoring  her  Majesty's  kindly  ways,  and 
the  Prince's  fortitude  under  suffering.  No  royal 
Briton  can  read  this  touching  narrative  without 
tears,  and  without  asking  himself  the  solemn  ques- 
tion, how  much  the  Queen  weighed  in  1849. 


SERENADING  IN  ST.  LOUIS. 

nnllERE  are  two  young  men  in  St.  Louis  who 
-•-  at  the  present  time  are  so  diversified  as  to 
their  surfaces  with  hrown  paper  and  sticking-plaster 
that  they  might  readily  be  mistaken  for  Bulgarian 
Christians  who  had  just  been  receiving  a  good  deal 
of  protection  from  the  Russian  Cossacks.  They 
do  not  bear  their  plasters  with  resignation,  for  they 
are  not  good  young  men.  The  testimony  of  large 
numbers  of  St.  Louisians  proves  that  the  two 
young  men  in  question  frequent  bar-rooms  and 
quarrel  in  the  public  streets,  make  night  hideous 
with  uproar,  and  play  upon  musical  instruments, 
like  the  beasts  that  perish.  Their  wounds  and 
bruises  are  a  just  retribution  for  their  misdeeds, 
and  they  deserve  no  sympathy  whatever. 

There  is  a  young  lady  in  St.  Louis,  living  in  a 
nice  suburban  cottage,  with  whom  both  these  young 


SERENADING    IN    ST.    LOUIS.  33 

men  are  madly  in  love.  Being  thus  rivals,  they 
naturally  hate  each  other,  and  not  very  long  ago 
discussed  their  respective  fitness  for  the  young 
lady's  hand  in  the  public  street,  with  the  use  of 
much  strong  Western  language  and  the  display  of 
revolvers  and  knives.  On  this  occasion,  however, 
they  did  not  actually  assault  one  another,  but  each 
young  man,  after  having  solemnly  pledged  himself 
to  cut  the  other  into  fine  slices  at  their  next  meet- 
ing, went  his  way  in  search  of  privacy  and  rum. 
Two  days  later  they  met  in  a  bar-room,  and,  in- 
stead of  carrying  out  their  sanguinary  intentions, 
they  fell  upon  their  respective  necks  and  vowed 
eternal  friendship.  They  decided  that  the  young 
lady  was  not  an  object  of  sufficient  importance  to 
be  permitted  to  envelop  their  newborn  friendship  in 
a  cloud  of  suspicion  and  jealousy,  and  they  re- 
solved that,  renouncing  all  claims  to  her  affection, 
they  would  live  for  each  other  only.  They  mutu- 
ally promised  never  to  see  or  to  think  of  her  again, 
and  finally  separated  on  apparently  the  very 
warmest  terms  of  friendship.  It  was  noticed, 
2* 


34  SHOOTING    STARS. 

however,  by  several  unimpeachable  witnesses,  that 
as  soon  as  they  had  put  a  large  and  opaque  Ger- 
man between  them,  they  stoutly  shook  their 
clenched  fists  and  smiled  in  a  ghastly  and  sarcastic 
manner.  The  truth  is,  their  reconciliation  was  a 
hollow  mockery,  and'  their  pretended  abandonment 
of  the  young  lady  was  an  act  of  premeditated  de- 
ceit and  treachery.  'Each  desired  to  occupy  un- 
molested the  field  of  courtship,  and  believed  that 
he  had  outwitted  his  rival  and  rendered  him  no 
longer  dangerous. 

It  has  been  remarked  that  among  their  other 
vices  was  that  of  playing  upon  wind  instruments. 
One  of  them  played  the  cornet,  while  the  other 
•was  habitually  addicted  to  the  bassoon.  While 
the  latter  instrument  is  not  so  immediately  fatal  to 
the  helpless  listener  as  is  the  cornet,  it  is  much 
more  weakening  to  the  mind,  and  the  agonies 
which  it  inflicts  are  more  prolonged  and  painful. 
It  was  the  intention  of  these  young  men  to  sere- 
nade the  object  of  their  devotion  on  the  very  even- 
ing of  the  day  when  they  formed  their  hollow  and 


SERENADING    IN    ST.    LOUIS  35 

insincere  alliance,  and  each  of  them  presumed  that 
he  had  secured  a  monopoly  of  her  midnight  ears. 
But  as  BURNS  has  remarked,  the  best  schemes  of 
policy  devised,  either  by  mice  or  conciliatory  Presi- 
dents, frequently  go  "  aglee,"  which,  being  inter- 
preted, means  "  to  eternal  smash."  And  such 
was  the  destiny  of  the  serenading  schemes  of  the 
two  bad  young  men. 

The  young  lady's  bedroom  was  in  the  north- 
east corner  of  the  second  story  of  her  house,  and 
the  house  stood  in  the  midst  of  a  large  and  beauti- 
ful lawn.  Precisely  at  11:15  P.  M.  the  young  man 
with  the  cornet  opened  upon  her  under  her  north 
window  with  the  pathetic  air  of  "  Silver  Threads 
among  the  Gold ;  "  but  almost  at  the  same  moment 
he  metaphorically  smote  his  breast,  for  he  heard 
under  the  east  window  the  loud  bassoon  in  the  act 
of  wrestling  with  the  "Arkansas  Traveler."  In 
these  circumstances  few  young  men  would  have 
subordinated  a  thirst  for  immediate  vengeance  to 
their  artistic  pride,  but  the  two  bad  young  men, 
while  mentally  resolving  to  kill  one  another  in  the 


36  SHOOTING    STARS. 

near  future,  were  equally  resolved  not  to  permit 
their  devotion  to  music  to  be  interrupted.  They 
threw  their  whole  beings  into  their  respective  in- 
struments, and  the  blare  of  the  cornet  mingled  in 
wild  confusion  with  the  groans  of  the  bassoon. 
The  young  lady,  who  was  a  girl  of  much  spirit  and 
practical  common  sense,  very  soon  began  to  throw 
things,  but  neither  water,  old  shoes,  nor  crockery 
could  move  the  determined  serenaders.  They 
continued  to  blow  until  each  had  finished  his 
allotted  tune,  after  which,  with  a  fierceness  rival- 
ing that  of  the  wild  cats  of  the  nocturnal  back 
fence,  and  with  oaths  at  which  the  most  hardened 
cat  would  have  shuddered,  they  poised  their  musi- 
cal weapons  over  their  heads  and  rushed  simultane- 
ously to  the  combat. 

The  bassoon  is  longer  than  the  cornet,  but  the 
latter  has  greater  weight  and  hardness,  and  the  two 
combatants  were  thus  very  equally  matched  as  to 
their  weapons.  They  fought  with  frightful  energy, 
and  were  encouraged  by  the  cheerful  comments  of 
the  young  lady,  who,  like  the  Blessed  Damosel, 


SERENADING    IN    ST.    LOUIS.  37 

leaned  from  her  window,  and  with  great  impar- 
tiality urged  each  one  to  "  everlastingly  lay  out " 
the  other.  The  bassoon  fell  with  resounding  blows 
upon  the  head  of  the  cornet  player,  and  the  sharp 
edge  of  the  bell  of  the  cornet  gashed  the  bassoon- 
player's  face  and  lacerated  his  knuckles.  Neither 
would  yield,  and  had  not  the  young  lady's  father 
risen  from  his  couch,  and  with  great  presence  of 
mind  checked  the  further  effusion  of  blood  by 
firing  upon  the  rivals  with  his  shot-gun,  the  fight 
would  probably  have  had  a  fatal  termination.  As 
it  was,  as  soon  as  their  legs  became  overweighted 
with  buckshot,  the  two  young  men  laid  down  their 
weapons,  and  were  soon  after  carried  by  the  police 
to  the  nearest  hospital  for  repairs. 

This  story  teaches  us  how  blessed  a  thing  it  is 
for  two  young  men  to  serenade  the  same  young 
woman  at  the  same  time,  whereby  their  instru- 
ments are  certain  to  be  ruined,  and  they  them- 
selves are  very  likely  to  be  permanently  spoiled. 


A  PATENTED   CHILD. 

fin  HE  town  of  Sussex,  Pennsylvania,  has  lately 
-*-  been  profoundly  stirred  by  an  extraordinary 
and  romantic  lawsuit.  The  case  was  an  entirely 
novel  one,  and  no  precedent  bearing  upon  it  is  to 
be  found  in  the  common  or  statute  law.  While  it 
is  necessarily  a  matter  of  great  interest  to  the  legal 
profession,  its  romantic  side  cannot  fail  to  attract 
the  attention  of  persons  of  all  ages  and  every  kind 
of  sex.  In  fact,  it  is  destined  to  be  one  of  the 
most  celebrated  cases  in  the  annals  of  American 
jurisprudence. 

Some  time  last  winter  a  lady  whom  we  will  call 
Mrs.  Smith,  who  kept  a  boarding-house  in  Sussex, 
took  her  little  girl,  aged  four,  with  her  to  make  a 
call  on  Mrs.  Brown,  her  near  neighbor.  Mrs. 
Brown  was  busy  in  her  kitchen,  where  she  received 
her  visitor  with  her  usual  cordiality.  There  was  a 


A    PATENTED    CHILD.  39 

large  fire  blazing  in  the  stove,  and  while  the  ladies 
were  excitedly  discussing  the  new  bonnet  of  the 
local  Methodist  minister's  wife,  the  little  girl  in- 
cautiously sat  down  on  the  stove-hearth.  She  was 
instantly  convinced  that  the  hearth  was  exceedingly 
hot,  and  on  loudly  bewailing  the  fact,  was  rescued 
by  her  mother  and  carried  home  for  medical  treat- 
ment. A  few  days  later  Mrs.  Smith  burst  in  great 
excitement  into  the  room  of  a  young  law  student, 
who  was  one  of  her  boarders,  and  with  tears  and 
lamentations  disclosed  to  him  the  fact  that  her 
child  was  indelibly  branded  with  the  legend, 
"  Patented.  1872."  These  words  in  raised  letters 
had  happened  to  occupy  just  that  part  of  the  stove- 
hearth  on  which  the  child  had  seated  herself,  and 
being  heated  nearly  to  red-heat  they  had  repro- 
duced themselves  on  the  surface  of  the  unfortunate 
child. 

The  law  student  entered  into  the  mother's 
sorrow  with  much  sympathy,  but  after  he  had  in 
some  degree  calmed  her  mind  he  informed  her  that 
a  breach  of  law  had  been  committed.  "  Your  child," 


40  SHOOTING    STARS. 

he  remarked,  "  has  never  been  patented,  but  she  is 
marked  ( Patented.  1872.'  This  is  an  infringe- 
ment of  the  statute.  You  falsely  represent  by 
that  brand  that  a  child  for  whom  no  patent  has 
issued  is  patented.  This  false  representation  is 
forgery,  and  subjects  you  to  the  penalty  made  and 
provided  for  that  crime." 

Mrs.  Smith  was,  as  may  be  supposed,  greatly 
alarmed  at  hearing  this  statement,  and  her  first  im- 
pulse was  to  beg  the  young  man  to  save  her  from 
a  convict's  cell.  With  a  gravity  suited  to  the  oc- 
casion, he  explained  the  whole  law  of  patents.  He 
told  her  that  had  she  desired  to  patent  the  child, 
she  should  have  either  constructed  a  model  of  it  or 
prepared  accurate  drawings,  with  specifications 
showing  distinctly  what  parts  of  the  child  she 
claimed  to  have  invented.  This  model  or  these 
drawings  she  should  have  forwarded  to  the  Patent 
Office,  and  she  would  then  have  received  in  due 
time  a  patent — provided,  of  course,  the  child  was 
really  pateutable — and  would  have  been  authorized 
to  label  it  "Patented."  "Unfortunately,"  he 


A    PATENTED    CHILD.  41 

pursued,  "  it  is  now  too  late  to  take  this  course, 
and  we  must  boldly  claim  that  a  patent  was  issued, 
but  that  the  record  was  destroyed  during  the 
recent  fire  in  the  Patent  Office." 

This  suggestion  cheered  the  spirits  of  Mrs. 
Smith,  but  they  were  again  dashed  by  the  further 
remarks  of  the  young  man.  He  reminded  her  that 
the  child  might  find  it  very  inconvenient  to  be 
patented.  "If  we  claim" — he  went  on  to  say — • 
"  that  she  has  been  regularly  patented,  it  follows 
that  the  ownership  of  the  patent,  including  the 
child  herself,  belongs  to  you,  and  will  pass  at  your 
death  into  the  possession  of  your  heirs.  Holding 
the  patent,  they  can  prevent  any  husband  taking 
possession  of  the  girl  by  marriage.,  and  they  can 
sell,  assign,  transfer,  and  set  over  the  patent-right 
and  the  accompanying  girl  to  any  purchaser.  If 
she  is  sold  to  a  speculator  or  to  a  joint  stock  com- 
pany, she  will  find  her  position  a  most  unpleasant 
one.  To  sum  up  the  case,  madam,  either  your 
child  is  patented  or  she  is  not.  If  she  is  not 
patented,  you  are  guilty  of  forgery.  If  she  is 


42  SHOOTING    STARS. 

patented,  she  is  an  object  of  barter  and  sale,  or,  in 
other  words,  a  chattel." 

This  was  certainly  a  wretched  state  of  things, 
and  Mrs.  Smith,  to  ease  her  mind,  began  to  abuse 
Mrs.  Brown,  whose  stove  had  branded  the  unfor- 
tunate little  girl.  She  loudly  insisted  that  the 
whole  fault  rested  with  Mrs.  Brown,  and  demanded 
to  know  if  the  latter  could  not  be  punished.  The 
young  man,  who  was  immensely  learned  in  the  law, 
thereupon  began  a  new  argument.  He  told  her 
that  where  there  is  a  wrong  there  must,  in  the 
nature  of  things,  be  a  remedy.  "  Mrs.  Brown,  by 
means  of  her  stove,  has  done  you  a  great  wrong. 
In  accordance  with  the  maxim,  '  quifacitper  alium 
facit  per  se,  Mrs.  Brown,  and  not  the  stove,  is  the 
party  from  whom  you  must  demand  redress.  She 
has  wickedly  and  maliciously,  and  at  the  instiga- 
tion of  the  devil,  branded  your  child,  and  thus 
rendered  you  liable  for  an  infringement  of  the 
patent  law.  It  is  my  opinion,  madam,  that  an 
action  for  assault  and  an  action  for  libel  will  both 
lie  against  Mrs.  Brown,  and,  '  semUe,'  that  there  is 


A    PATENTED     CHILD  43 

also  ground  for  having  her  indicted  for  procure- 
ment of  forgery."  Finally,  after  much  further 
argument,  the  young  man  advised  her  to  apply  to 
a  magistrate  and  procure  the  arrest  and  punish- 
ment of  Mrs.  Brown. 

Accordingly,  Mrs.  Smith  applied  to  the  Mayor, 
who,  after  vainly  trying  to  comprehend  the  case 
and  to  find  out  what  was  the  precise  crime  alleged 
against  Mrs.  Brown,  compromised  the  matter  by 
unofficially  asking  that  lady  to  appear  before  him. 
When  both  the  ladies  were  in  court,  Mrs.  Smith, 
prompted  by  the  clerk,  put  her  complaint  in  the 
shape  of  a  charge  that  Mrs.  Brown  had  branded 
the  youthful  Smith  girl.  The  latter  was  then 
marked  "  Exhibit  A,"  and  formally  put  in  evidence, 
and  both  complainant  and  defendant  told  their  re- 
spective stories. 

The  result  was  that  the  court,  in  a  very  able 
and  voluminous  opinion,  decided  that  nobody  wns 
guilty  of  anything,  but  that,  with  a  view  of  avoid- 
ing the  penalty  of  infringing  the  patent  law,  the 
mother  must  apply  to  Congress  for  a  special  act 


44  SHOOTING    STARS. 

declaring  the  child  regularly  and  legally  patented. 
If  Congress  finds  time  to  attend -to  this  important 
matter,  little  Miss  Smith  will  be  the  first  girl  ever 
patented  in  this  country,  and  the  legal  profession 
will  watch  with  unflagging-interest  the  lawsuits  to 
which  in  future  any  infringement  of  the  patent 
may  lead. 


RIGHTEOUS  RETRIBUTION. 

"A  /f~RS.  Col.  Lewis,  of  Clinton,  111.,  is  univer- 
-LA-J-  sally  respected  by  those  who  know  her. 
It  is  certainly  not  her  fault  that  she  was  con- 
structed at  a  period  when  the  "  sugar  and  spice, 
and  everything  nice,"  which  Dr.  WATTS  assures  us 
are  the  chief  ingredients  of  girls,  were  apparently 
exhausted,  and  there  were  no  materials  available 
except  vinegar  and  mustard.  In  spite  of  her 
severe  and  acrid  disposition,  no  one  doubts  that 
she  is  a  sincere  and  earnest  woman.  She  has  a 
soul  above  frivolity  and  pleasure,  and  she  is  un- 
sparing in  her  denunciations  of  the  wicked.  Of 
course,  she  is  not  the  sort  of  woman  with  whom, 
one  would  care  to  take  long  walks  in  the  country, 
but  her  boldness  and  inflexible  adherence  to  the 
path  of  duty  compel  public  respect. 

To  this  good  woman  her  husband  is  a  constant 


46  SHOOTING    STARS. 

trial.  Col.  Lewis  is  a  man  of  excellent  moral 
character  and  sandy  hair,  but  he  has  an  undeniable 
fondness  for  innocent  flirtation,  which,  in  his  wife's 
estimation,  is  the  gravest  of  all  crimes.  Naturally, 
she  throws  all  possible  obstacles  in  her  husband's 
objectionable  path.  But  the  world  is  full  of  girls 
and,  except  when  the  Colonel  is  locked  up  in  his 
bedroom  by  his  determined  wife,  she  can  never  be 
absolutely  sure  that  he  is  not  wrecking  her  domes- 
tic happiness  by  bowing  to  young  ladies,  or  by  say- 
ing good  morning  to  wicked  married  women  who 
have  the  audacity  to  be  beautiful,  and  who  aggra- 
vate that  crime  by  assuming  a  pleasant  and  genial 
manner. 

Three  weeks  ago  Clinton  resolved  to  have  its 
first  masked  ball.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  Mrs. 
Lewis  was  shocked  when  she  learned  that  this 
infamous  scheme  was  advocated  by  several  hither- 
to respectable  people,  and  that  it  was  reasonably 
certain  to  be  successfully  carried  out.  To  her 
delight,  Col.  Lewis  expressed  to  her  his  strong 
disapprobation  of  masked  balls,  and  said  that  he 


RIGHTEOUS    RETRIBUTION.  47 

was  really  glad  that  business  interests  would 
require  his  presence  in  Chicago  on  the  night  of  the 
contemplated  crime.  A  week  before  that  date, 
however,  she  was  horrified  at  discovering  in  the 
Colonel's  desk  a  catalogue  of  fancy  costumes  which 
a  Chicago  tradesman  offered  to  let  upon  very  rea- 
sonable terms  to  persons  about  to  attend  masked 
balls.  Among  these  costumes  was  one  which 
was  designed  to  enable  the  wearer  to  personate  a 
horse.  It  consisted  chiefly  of  a  horse's  head  and 
silk  tights.  An  unfinished  letter  in  the  hand- 
writing of  the  Colonel  showed  that  the  wretched 
man  intended  to  be  present  at  the  masquerade 
in  this  revolting  costume,  and  that  his  pretence 
of  business  at  Chicago  was  merely  designed  to 
deceive  the  wife  of  his  bosom.  It  was  a  crush- 
ing blow,  but  that  intrepid  woman  bore  it 
nobly.  Instead  of  acquainting  Col.  Lewis  with 
her  knowledge  of  his  guilt,  Mrs.  Lewis  instantly 
wrote  to  the  costumer,  ordering  the  dress  of  a 
•  jockey  to  be  sent  to  her.  When,  twelve  hours 
before  the  evening  of  the  ball,  her  husband  bade 


48  SHOOTING    STARS 

her  good-bye  and  ostensibly  started  for  Chicago, 
she  never  intimated  that  she  knew  his  plans,  but 
she  took  leave  of  him  almost  tenderly.  That  mis- 
guided man  went  no  further  than  the  next  street, 
where  he  concealed  himself  in  the  house  of  a  de- 
praved friend,  and  chuckled  over  the  way  in  which 
he  "  had  sold  the  old  woman." 

It  was  not  until  ten  o'clock  in  the  evening  that 
Col.  Lewis,  beautifully  arrayed  in  his  equine  cos- 
tume, and  exhibiting  the  faultless  proportions  of 
his  manly  legs,  entered  the  ball-room.  The  beauty 
and  fashion  of  Clinton  were  already  assembled, 
and  among  them  was  a  closely-masked  lady  wear- 
ing the  dress  of  a  horse-jockey  and  carrying  a 
riding-whip.  No  one  dreamed  that  she  was  the 
severe  and  earnest  Mrs.  Lewis,  for  a  lavish  use  of 
the  great  staple  of  the  Gulf  States  had  wrought  so 
marvelous  a  change  in  her  dimensions  that  her 
husband  mistook  her  for  a  blooming  corn-fed  beauty 
of  Peoria.  In  fact  she  was  the  very  first  lady  to 
whom  he  addressed  himself,  and  when  his  first 
compliment  was  answered  by  a  blow  of  the  whip 


RIGHTEOUS    RETRIBUTION  49 

on  his  unprotected  legs,  he  almost  doubted  whether 
he  would  not  follow  her  even  at  the  risk  of  a 
second  blow. 

Prudence,  however,  prevailed,  and  the  gallant 
Colonel  selected  another  lady  as  the  object  of  his 
attentions.  He  was  just  beginning  a  promising 
flirtation  when  the  avenging  jockey  smote  his 
calves,  and  in  a  thoroughly  professional  tone 
ordered  him  to  "g'lang  now."  His  tights  were 
very  thin,  and  the  blow  wrung  from  him  a  hasty 
theological  expression,  which  caused  the  object  of 
his  attentions  to  hurriedly  leave  him.  Meanwhile, 
the  cruel  jockey  had  passed  on  and  vanished  in  the 
crowd,  and  it  was  several  minutes  before  Col. 
Lewis  could  bring  himself  to  cease  rubbing  his 
suffering  legs,  and  to  resume  the  attempt  to  enjoy 
the  ball.  When  next  he  accosted  a  fair  masker, 
he  looked  anxiously  around  for  the  jockey,  and  not 
perceiving  her,  took  courage  and  began  a  new  flir- 
tation. He  was  just  about  to  request  the  honor  of 
a  waltz  when  two  swift  and  cruel  blows  descended 
upon  his  already  lacerated  extremities,  and  the 
3 


50  SHOOTING    STARS. 

voice  of  the  terrible  jockey  counseled  him  to 
"  g'lang,"  and  likewise  to  "  gettup."  The  misera- 
ble man  forgot  his  partner,  and  limping  to  a  seat, 
sat  down  and  indulged  in  language  which,  had  he 
not  spoken  in  a  suppressed  tone,  would  have  cast 
a  sulphurous  glare  over  the  assembly. 

Twice  more  during  the  evening  did  the  wretched 
Colonel  try  to  mingle  in  the  gayeties  of  the  ball, 
but  each  time  the  awful  jockey,  inexorable  as  fate, 
lashed  him  with  constantly  increasing  violence. 
When  he  was  about  to  enter  the  supper  room  she 
followed  him  closely,  and  so  emphasized  her  sug- 
gestion that  he  should  descend  to  the  stable  in 
search  of  oats,  that  in  mingled  despair  and  rage  he 
fled  from  the  ball-room  to  return  no  more.  The 
jockey  lingered  until  the  ball  was  over,  and  then, 
full  of  peace  and  triumphant  joy,  sought  her  home. 

For  once  Mrs.  Lewis,  although  she  was  a  woman, 
was  magnanimous.  When  her  unhappy  husband 
returned  from  his  pretended  trip  to  Chicago,  she 
never  once  mentioned  the  ball  to  him,  but  quietly 
handing  him  her  jockey  costume,  told  him  to  send 


RIGHTEOUS    RETRIBUTION.  51 

it  to  the  owner  and  pay  the  bill,  adding  that  he 
would  find  a  bottle  of  arnica  in  his  room.  The 
cotton  was,  it  is  believed,  subsequently  used  in  the 
manufacture  of  two  "  comfortables  "  of  extra  thick- 
ness, and  the  Colonel  presented  his  wife  with  a  new 
silk  dress,  a  set  of  furs,  and  a  costly  bracelet.  It 

* 

is  thought  that  he  will  never  attend  another 
masked  ball,  and  that  he  will  shoot  any  man  who 
mentions  the  subject  in  his  hearing. 


PRACTICE  AMONG  THE  PIUTES. 

fTlHE  Piutes  are  not  among  the  most  intelligent 
-*-  or  warlike  of  our  Indian  tribes.  Indeed, 
they  are  generally  treated  with  contempt  by  the 
bold  miners  of  the  Pacific  slope,  who  speak  of 
them  much  in  the  same  tone  as  that  used  by  a 
practical  statesman  when  discussing  the  question 
of  civil  service  reform  with  the  frequenters  of  his 
bar-room.  Still,  the  Piutes  are  by  no  means  stupid. 
If  a  solitary  and  unarmed  white  man,  with  a  good 
head  of  hair,  comes  within  a  Piute's  reach,  he 
knows  what  to  do  with  that  hair  quite  as  well  as 
if  he  were  a  Sioux  or  an  Apache.  Similarly,  he 
fully  comprehends  the  uses  of  whisky,  and  there 
are  said  to  be  occasional  Piutes  who  have  mastered 
the  profound  principles  of  draw-poker.  When  it  is 
also  mentioned  that  the  Piutes  have  thrown  open 
the  profession  of  medicine  to  women,  with  a  hearty 


PRACTICE    AMONG    THE    PIUTES.  53 

liberality  as  yet  unknown  among  whiter  and  more 
civilized  people,  the  fair  sex  can  hardly  fail  to 
conceive  a  warm  regard  for  that  peaceful  and  pro- 
gressive tribe. 

There  are  certain  features  connected  with  the 
practice  of  medicine  among  the  Piutes  by  female 
physicians  which  show  that  the  whole  community 
takes  a  warm  interest  in  the  matter.  In  England 
and  among  the  white  people  of  this  country  the 
female  doctor  can  hope  for  nothing  more  than  cold 
toleration.  No  venerable  male  physician,  for  ex- 
ample, pats  Dr.  MAKY  WALKER  on  the  shoulder, 
and  smilingly  remarks,  "  Go  on,  dear  little  girl,  in 
your  noble  career,  and  may  your  drugs  prove  half 
as  efficacious  as  your  beautiful  smile  and  the  soft 
rustle  of  your  coat-tails."  If  our  female  doctors 
happen  to  cure  a  patient,  the  cold  world  ignores 
their  skill  and  insinuates  that  nature  alone  deserves 
the  credit  of  the  cure  ;  while  if  the  patient  dies  no 
one  pays  the  female  doctor  the  common  courtesy 
of  suggesting  that  she  is  in  partnership  with  the 
undertaker.  The  general  attitude  of  the  public 


54  SHOOTING    STARS. 

toward  female  physicians  is  that  of  affected  disbe- 
lief in  their  ability  either  to  kill  or  to  cure,  and  of 
entire  indifference  as  to  the  actual  results — if  any 
— of  their  practice.  How  differently  this  matter  is 
viewed  by  the  Piutes  will  appear  from  the  follow- 
ing incident  in  the  career  of  a  Piute  medicine 
woman. 

The  medicine  woman  in  question  wore  the  sim- 
ple, modest,  yet  picturesque  name  of  "  Heap- 
Chokee,"  a  name  given  to  her  in  memory  of  the 
able  manner  in  which,  during  her  fifteenth  year, 
she  strangled  two  wounded  emigrants  whom  her 
dear  father  had  previously  scalped.  She  became  a 
widow  at  the  age  of  sixty,  and  having  been  duly 
examined  by  the  chief  men  of  the  tribe  and  pro- 
nounced to  be  far  too  ugly  for  matrimonial  pur- 
poses, she  was  duly  licensed  to  practice  medicine 
according  to  the  tenets  of  the  regular  Piute  medi- 
cal school. 

Shortly  afterward  Dr.  Heap-Chokee  was  called 
in  to  prescribe  for  a  squaw  who  was  in  the  last 
stages  of  consumption.  Having  made  a  careful  ex- 


PRACTICE    AMONG    THE    PIUTES.  55 

animation  of  the  patient  by  punching  her  in  tender 
places  with  the  handle  of  a  hoe,  the  doctor  decided 
that  the  case  was  one  which  did  not  call  for  drugs, 
but  for  "pow-wow."  She  therefore  shut  herself 
up  in  the  patient's  wigwam,  and  danced  and  howled 
with  much  vigor  for  several  hours,  at  the  expira- 
tion of  which  the  patient  was  found  to  be  dead, 
It  so  happened  that  the  consumptive  squaw  was 
not  a  valuable  one,  and,  in  fact,  her  husband  was 
rather  glad  that  she  was  dead.  Still,  the  death  of 
the  doctor's  first  patient  was  not  adapted  to  give 
her  a  reputation  for  medical  skill,  and  the  affair 
was  therefore  investigated  by  a  council  of  able 
warriors.  The  council  decided  that  the  doctor 
had  committed  an  error  in  not  prescribing  medicine, 
and  while  it  was  expressly  conceded  that  it  was 
not  worth  while  to  severely  reprimand  her  for  the 
death  of  a  valueless  squaw,  she  was  affectionately 
warned  that  she  would  do  well  in  future  to  pre- 
scribe a  good  dose  of  real  medicine. 

A  fortnight  later  a  young  warrior  was  brought 
into  camp  suffering  from  an  acute  attack  of  grizzly 


56  SHOOTING    STARS. 

bear,  the  leading  symptoms  of  which  were  the 
fracture  of  a  dozen  or  two  of  his  ribs  and  a  general 
mashing  of  the  internal  organs.  This  time  the 
doctor  compounded  a  medicine  that  really  ought 
to  hare  worked  wonders.  It  was  made  by  boiling 
together  a  collection  of  miscellaneous  weeds,  a 
handful  of  chewing  tobacco,  the  heads  of  four  rat- 
tlesnakes, and  a  select  assortment  of  worn-out 
moccasins.  The  decoction  thus  obtained  was  sea- 
soned with  a  little  crude  petroleum  and  a  large 
quantity  of  red  pepper,  and  the  patient  was  di- 
rected to  take  a  pint  of  the  mixture  every  half  hour. 
He  was  a  brave  man,  conspicuous  for  his  fortitude 
under  suffering,  but  after  taking  his  first  dose,  he 
turned  over  and  died  with  the  utmost  expedition. 

Again  the  council  of  leading  warriors  investi- 
gated the  case.  They  analyzed  and  tasted  the 
medicine,  and  agreed  that  it  was  faultless  in  its 
way,  and  strong  enough  to  cure  any  reasonable 
disease.  While  they  fully  approved  of  the  pre- 
scription, they  found  that  the  doctor  had  relied 
upon  it  alone,  and  had  omitted  to  dance  and  yell 


PRACTICE    AMONG    THE    PIUTES.  57 

to  any  extent  worth  mentioning.  This  innovation 
upon  the  recognized  method  of  treating  diseases 
could  not  be  passed  over  in  silence,  and  Dr.  Heap- 
Ohokee  was  solemnly  warned  that  she  must  either 
practice  medicine  properly  or  meet  the  conse- 
quences, and  that  young  and  valuable  warriors 
could  not  be  wasted  with  impunity. 

Soon  after  the  daughter  of  the  leading  chief 
was  attacked  by  what  was  undoubtedly  an  inflam- 
mation of  the  brain.  Warned  by  experience,  the 
doctor  brought  the  entire  resources  of  the  medical 
art  to  bear  upon  the  case.  She  not  only  admin- 
istered large  doses  of  her  favorite  decoction,  but 
she  took  a  large  tin  pan  into  the  patient's  wigwam 
and  hammered  it  for  twenty-four  hours,  during 
which  time  she  never  ceased  to  dance  and  to  yell 
at  the  top  of  her  lungs.  Her  zeal  called  forth 
the  admiration  of  the  whole  tribe,  and  it  was  con- 
sidered certain  that  the  patient  must  recover,  but, 
strange  as  it  may  seem,  the  doctor  emerged  from 
the  wigwam  in  the  morning  of  the  second  day  and 
sadly  announced  that  the  girl  was  dead. 


58  SHOOTING    STARS. 

Once  more  the  council  met,  but  its  delibera- 
tions were  short.  Dr.  Heap-Chokee  had  attended 
three  patients  and  every  one  had  died.  There 
could  be  no  doubt  that  she  was  an  unsuccessful 
physician,  and  that  if  she  continued  to  practice  the 
tribe  would  soon,  become  extinct.  The  course  to 
be  pursued  was  too  plain  to  be  ignored.  The  doc- 
tor was  summoned,  and  was  mildly  but  firmly  told 
that  her  professional. career  was  at  an  end.  Three 
warriors  then  led  her  outside  the  limits  of  the 
camp,  and  administered  to  her  six  revolver-bullets, 
after  which  lots  were  drawn  for  the  possession  of 
her  scalp,  and  the  rest  of  her  was  quietly  buried. 

The  Piutes  may  be  dull  and  ignorant  savages 
in  comparison  with  ourselves,  but  it  is  a  false  pride 
which  would  forbid  us  to  learn  from  them  any 
really  useful  lesson.  The  warm  interest  which 
they  take  in  the  success  of  female  physicians  is 
conspicuously  at  variance  with  the  indifference 
which  we  exhibit,  and  there  is  certainly  something 
in  the  example  which  they  set  us  that  we  might 
do  well  to  follow. 


GIBBERISH. 

"T~T  is  estimated  that  there  are  at  this  moment 
*•**  seven  million  small  boys  in  this  country.  Of 
this  number — if  we  except  those  who  are  deaf, 
dumb,  blind,  and  idiotic — there  is  not  one  who  is 
not  familiar  with  that  mystic  formula  known  as 
"  aina  maina  mona  mike,"  and  who  does  not  habit- 
ually use  it  as  a  means  of  divining  who  shall  be 
"  it,"  in  the  various  games  incident  to  boyhood. 
How  each  successive  generation  of  small-bo}rs 
comes  into  the  possession  of  this  formula  is  one 
of  the  most  profound  and  difficult  questions  of 
the  age. 

The  superficial  thinker  fancies  that  the  solu- 
tion of  this  problem  is  a  very  simple  one.  He 
hastily  assumes  that  one  generation  teaches  "  aina 
maina  "  to  its  successors,  and  that  the  knowledge 
of  the  formula  is  thus  handed  down  from  father  to 


60  SHOOTING    STARS. 

son.  But  is  there  a  single  instance  on  record  in 
which  a  father  has  deliberately  imparted  this 
knowledge  to  his  son?  We  all  know  from  our 
own  experience  that  long  before  we  have  arrived 
at  manhood,  and  become  seized  and  possessed  of 
our  personal  small-boy,  we  have  forgotten  the  lore 
of  our  childhood,  and,  hence,  are  not  in  a  condition 
to  impart  it  to  any  one.  There  always  comes  a 
period  in  our  lives  when  we  hear  our  sons  re- 
hearsing "  aina  maina  "  with  confidence  and  accu- 
racy, and  as  we  suddenly  remember  that  we,  too, 
once  knew  those  mystic  words,  we  wonder  from 
whence  the  new  generation  of  small-boys  learned 
them.  The  fact  that  fathers  do  not  teach  them  to 
their  sons  will  appear  so  plain,  upon  a  very  little 
reflection,  that  it  is  unnecessary  to  dwell  longer 
upon  it  at  this  time.  In  whatever  way  the  vener- 
able formula  comes  into  the  possession  of  one  gen- 
eration, it  is  quite  certain  that  it  is  not  learned 
from  the  previous  generation. 

It  is  a  noteworthy  fact  that  no  small-boy  is 
ever   able   to   tell   from   whom  he  learned  "aina 


GIBBERISH.  61 

maina."  If  we  ask  any  casual  small-boy  who 
taught  him  the  mysterious  syllables,  he  will  invari- 
ably reply  "Dunno,"  and  promptly  change  the 
subject.  We  cannot  tell  how  we  ourselves  learned 
them,  and  all  our  memory  can  tell  us  is  that  there 
was  an  exceedingly  remote  period  when  we  did 
not  know  them,  and  a  somewhat  later  period  when 
they  were  perfectly  familiar  to  us.  Here  then  we 
have  the  remarkable  phenomenon  of  an  elaborate 
formula  in  an  unknown  tongue,  which  every  boy 
knows,  without  knowing  from  what  source  he 
learned  it,  and  as  to  which  we  simply  know  that  he 
does  not  learn  it  from  the  preceding  generation. 
Whence  comes  this  knowledge,  and  in  what  way 
is  it  handed  down  through  the  centuries  ?  This 
is  a  problem  which  Sir  ISAAC  NEWTON  said  he 
"  would  be  hanged  if  he  could  solve,"  and  of  which 
COMTE  remarked  "  that  it  is  beyond  the  limit  of 
our  intellectual  powers,  and  hence  should  not  re- 
ceive the  slightest  attention." 

G 

The  ancient  sages   and   philosophers  were  as 
much  in   the  dark   as  to  this  matter  as  we  are. 


62  SHOOTING    STARS. 

PLATO  mentions  that  IPHIGENIA  was  selected  for  the 
sacrifice  by  a  soothsayer,  who  repeated  "  aina 
maina "  until  the  lot  fell  upon  that  unhappy 
damsel ;  and  he  adds,  "  that  this  method  of  divina- 
tion was  brought  to  Greece  by  CADMUS,  who  doubt- 
less learned  it  from  the  barbarians."  This  may  or 
may  not  be  true,  but  in  either  case  it  throws  no 
light  upon  the  question  how  the  formula  has  been 
handed  down  to  the  present  day.  SOCRATES  al- 
luded to  the  matter  once,  if  not  twice,  and  is  re- 
ported to  have  said  to  ALCIBIADES  :  "  Tell  me  now, 
ALCIBIADES,  whence  did  you  learn  to  divine  through 
(or  by  means  of)  l  aina  maina '  ?  "  to  which  ALCIB- 
IADES replied,  "  I  dunno."  "  Then,"  continued  the 
sage,  "  it  is  impious  for  you  to  ask  me  how  it  hap- 
pened that  I  was  last  night  banged  as  to  the  head 
with  the  dirt-devouring  broom  ;  for  he  has  no  right 
to  propose  delicate  personal  conundrums  who  is 
unable,  whether  through  his  own  dullness  or  the 
displeasure  of  the  gods,  to  answer  simple  and  easy 
questions  in  two  syllables."  This  conversation 
shows  that  SOCRATES  perceived  the  mystery  which 


GIBBERISH.  63 

enshrouds  the  subject,  but  it  does  not  appear  that 
he  ever  successfully  penetrated  it. 

Now,  it  is  evident  that  if  the  knowledge  of  this 
strange  formula  is  not  taught  by  one  generation  to 
another — and  we  know  perfectly  well  that  it  is  not 
— it  must  be  developed  spontaneously  in  every 
small-boy's  mind.  The  small-boy  has  his  measles 
and  chicken-pox,  and  other  strictly  juvenile  physi- 
cal diseases,  and  he  ought,  by  analogy,  to  have 
some  form  of  mental  disease  peculiar  to  his  age. 
Medical  men  are  well  aware  that  talking  in  un- 
known tongues — or  gibbering,  as  it  is  usually 
called — is  a  symptom  of  certain  forms  of  brain 
disease,  and  it  is  credibly  asserted  that  most  of  the 
remarks  made  in  unknown  tongues  by  the  followers 
of  the  erratic  EDWARD  IRVING,  were  simply  repeti- 
tions  of  "  aina  maina."  Let  us,  then,  suppose  that 
when  the  small-boy  suddenly  breaks  out  with  the 
same  curious  formula,  it  is  a  symptom  of  a  juvenile 
brain  disease,  just  as  the  eruption  which  at  some 
time  roughens  every  small-boy's  surface  is  a  symp- 
tom of  chicken-pox.  This  hypothesis  fully  ex- 


64  SHOOTING    STARS. 

plains  the  whole  mystery.  No  small-boy  learns 
the  chicken-pox  from  his  father,  and  yet  every 
small-boy  has  it.  No  small-boy  learns  "aina 
maina "  from  his  father,  and  yet  if  a  small-boy 
were  to  be  kept  in  solitary  confinement  from  his 
birth  up  to  his  fourteenth  year,  he  would  infallibly 
break  out  with  the  knowledge  of  "  aina  maina." 
When  a  hypothesis  meets  all  the  facts  of  any  given 
case,  it  may  properly  be  accepted  until  another  and 
better  hypothesis  is  devised.  The  hypothesis  that 
this  knowledge  of  "  aina  maina  "  is  a  symptom  of 
brain  disease,  stands  precisely  upon  the  same 
ground  as  the  hypothesis  of  development,  and  the 
moment  this  fact  is  brought  to  Professor  HUXLEY'S 
attention  he  will  adopt  the  one  as  eagerly  as  he  has 
adopted  the  other. 


CARRIE'S  COMEDY. 

.  BARTHOLOMEW,  of  Towanda  Falls, 
Pennsylvania,  is  the  proud  possessor  of  an 
extremely  precocious  child.  Miss  CARRIE  BAR- 
THOLOMEW is  only  ten  years  old,  but,  nevertheless, 
she  is  a  young  person  of  extraordinary  acquire- 
ments and  conspicuous  culture.  At  the  age  of  six 
she  could  read  with  great  ease,  and  before  reach- 
ing her  eighth  birthday  she  had  developed  a  marked 
taste  for  novel-reading.  About  the  same  period 
she  made  her  first  attempt  at  authorship,  and  soon 
achieved  an  enviable  reputation  in  several  local 
nurseries,  where  her  fairy  tales  were  recited  with 
immense  applause.  In  her  ninth  year  she  wrote  a 
novel,  of  which,  unfortunately,  no  copies  are  now  in 
existence,  and  began  an  epic  in  six  books  upon  "  St. 
Bartholomew's  Day  " — which  sanguinary  event  she 
classed  among  the  ancestors  of  her  family.  The 


66  SHOOTING    STARS. 

epic  was  discontinued  after  the  completion  of  the 
second  book,  owing  to  the  premature  extermination 
of  the  Huguenots,  but  the  young  author  lashed  the 
Catholic  party  with  great  vigor,  and  denounced 
CHARLES  IX.  as  the  scarlet  person  mentioned  in 
the  Apocatypse.  The  latest  effort  of  Miss  BAR- 
THOLOMEW was,  in  all  respects,  her  crowning  work. 
It  was  a  drama  in  blank  verse  and  in  five  acts, 
entitled  "Robinson  Crusoe;  or,  the  Exile  of 
Twenty  Years,"  and  it  was  publicly  performed  in 
the  Baptist  lecture-room  by  a  company  of  children 
drilled  by  the  author.  The  proceeds  of  the  enter- 
tainment were  designed  for  the  conversion  of  the 
heathen,  and  it  was  attended  ,by  a  large  and  hila- 
rious audience. 

The  entire  work  of  mounting  the  drama  fell 
upon  the  shoulders  of  the  author.  The  stage  was 
beautifully  ornamented  with  borrowed  shawls;  and 
three  fire-screens,  covered  with  wall-paper  and  with 
tree  and  flower  patterns,  did  duty  as  scenery. 
The  costumes  were  unique  and  beautiful,  and  a 
piano  ably  played  by  a  grown-up  young  lady  sup- 


CARRIE'S    COMEDY.  67 

plied  the  place  of  an  orchestra.  The  curtain  rose 
at  the  appointed  time,  and  displayed  Crusoe  in  his 
English  home  in  the  act  of  taking  tea  with  his  wife. 
A  cradle  in  the  corner  held  a  young  Crusoe — 
played  with  much  dignity  by  Miss  BARTHOLOMEW'S 
best  doll — and  a  wooden  dog  reposed  on  the  hearth- 
rug. Crusoe,  after  finding  fault  with  the  amount 
of  sugar  in  his  tea — a  touch  that  was  recognized  as 
wonderfully  true  to  life — announced  that  he  was  to 
sail  the  next  morning  on  a  voyage  to  South  Amer- 
ica. Mrs.  Crusoe  instantly  burst  into  tears,  and 
remarked : 

"  Our  wedded  life  has  scarce  begun  ! 
But  three  months  since  you  led  me  to  the  altar, 
And  now  you  leave  me,  friendless  and  forlorn  ! " 

Crusoe,  however,  soon  comforted  his  wife,  and 
bidding  her  teach  her  surprisingly  precipitate  in- 
fant to  revere  his  absent  father,  put  on  his  ulster, 
and  after  a  last  passionate  embrace,  departed  for 
South  America. 

The  second  act  presented  Crusoe  in  his  island 
home,  clad  chiefly  in  seal-skin  jackets,  and  much 


68  SHOOTING    STARS. 

given  to  pacing  the  ground  and  soliloquizing. 
According  to  his  account,  he  had  now  been  on  the 
island  three  years,  and  was  beginning  to  feel  rather 
lonesome.  He  referred  in  the  most  affectionate 
terms  to  the  sole  comrade  of  his  joys  and  sorrows, 
his  gentle  goat — which  animal,  hired  for  the  occa- 
sion, from  a  Towanda  Falls  Irishman,  was  conspicu- 
ously tethered  in  the  background,  and  would  obvi- 
ously have  butted  Crusoe  into  remote  futurity  if 
he  could  have  broken  loose.  Presently  Crusoe 
heard  a  faint  yell  in  the  distance,  and  decided 
that  it  was  made  by.  a  cannibal  picnic  party, 
whereupon  he  announced  that  he  would  go  for 
his  gun  and  sweep  the  wicked  cannibals  into 
the  Gulf. 

Act  three  was  brought  to  an  unexpected  but 
effective  climax.  It  opened  with  the  entrance  of  a 
dozen  assorted  cannibals  dragging  two  helpless 
prisoners,  who  were  securely  bound.  After  an 
effective  war-dance,  one  of  the  prisoners  was  killed 
with  a  club,  and  was  placed  on  a  painted  fire. 
Just  as  the  chief  cannibal  had  announced  that  the 


CARRIE'S    COMEDY.  69 

dinner  was  nearly  cooked,  Crusoe  s  goat,  which  had 
managed  to  escape  from  the  green-room,  burst 
upon  the  cannibals.  Two  of  them  were  knocked 
over  into  the  audience,  where  they  wept  bitterly ; 
others  were  strewn  over  the  stage,  while  a  rem- 
nant escaped  behind  the  scenes.  The  prisoner,  in 
spite  of  the  fact  that  he  was  dead  and  roasted,  fled 
at  the  first  onset  of  the  goat,  and  the  curtain  was 
dropped  amid  wild  applause.  After  the  goat  had 
been  captured  by  some  male  members  of  the  audi- 
ence, and  Crusoe  himself  had  explained  that  his 
proposed  massacre  of  the  cannibals  had  been  unin- 
tentionally anticipated,  the  stage  was  set  for  the 
fourth  act,  and  the  play  went  on. 

This  particular  act  was  a  magnificent  proof  of 
the  author's  originality.  The  rising  of  the  curtain 
displayed  Crusoe  sitting  on  a  grassy  bank,  sur- 
rounded by  four  children,  whom  he  calmly  alleged 
to  be  his  own.  Beyond  vaguely  alluding  to  them 
as  the  gift  of  heaven  sent  to  cheer  his  lonely  hours, 
that  astonishing  father  did  not  offer  to  account  for 
their  origin.  The  author's  chief  object  in  intro- 


70  SHOOTING    STARS. 

ducing  them  was,  however,  soon  disclosed.  Friday, 
who  presently  appeared,  and  whose  lack  of  any 
ostensible  origin  was  doubtless  due  to  the  recent 
interference  of  the  goat,  was  requested  to  sit  down 
and  undergo  instruction  in  the  Westminster  Cate- 
chism. The  scene  that  followed  was  closely 
modeled  after  the  exercises  of  an  ordinary  Sunday- 
school;  and  Crusoe  s  four  inexplicable  children 
sang  songs  to  an  extent  that  clearly  proved  that 
singing  was  the  object  of  their  remarkable  crea- 
tion. Lest  this  scene  should  appear  somewhat  too 
solemn,  the  author  judiciously  lightened  it  by  the 
happy  expedient  of  making  Friday  a  negro,  who 
constantly  said  "  Yes  !  Massa,"  and  "  yah  yah  !  " 
and  who  always  spoke  of  himself  as  "  dis  child." 
Altogether,  the  act  was  a  delightful  one,  and 
whenever  Crusoe  alluded  to  his  "dear  chil- 
dren," and  regretted  that  they  had  never  seen 
their  dear  mamma,  the  audience  howled  with 
rapture. 

How  Crusoe  and  his  interesting  family  escaped 
from  the  island  the  author  omitted  to   mention. 


CARRIE'S    COMEDY.  71 

The  fifth  and  last  act  depicted  his  arrival  home 
and  his  final  reunion  with  the  bride  of  his  youth. 
Mrs.  Crusoe  was  sitting  at  her  original  tea-table, 
precisely  as  she  was  in  the  habit  of  doing  twenty 
years  earlier,  when  there  was  a  knock  at  the  door, 
and  Crusoe  entered,  followed  by  his  four  children 
and  Friday  carrying  a  large  carpet-bag  and  a 
bundle  of  shawls.  Mutually  exclaiming  "  'Tis  he," 
and  "'Tis  she,"  the  long-separated  husband  and 
wife  rushed  into  each  other's  arms.  After  the 
first  greetings  were  over,  Crusoe  remarking  in  the 
most  elegant  blank  verse  that  though  he  had 
brought  neither  gold  nor  gems,  he  had  neverthe- 
less returned  rich,  presented  in  evidence  thereof 
his  four  children.  Whereupon  that  noble  woman, 
remarking  that  she,  too,  had  been  wonderfully 
blest,  brought  in  seven  children  from  the  next 
room  and  told  them  to  kiss  their  father.  After 
which  the  drama  was  brought  to  a  graceful  end  by 
the  singing  of  "  Home,  Sweet  Home,"  by  the  en- 
tire strength  of  the  Crusoe  family. 

For  originality  and  rare  dramatic  genius,  it  is 


72  SHOOTING    STARS. 

clear  that  this  play  has  never  been  equaled  by  any 
previous  American  dramatist ;  and  we  may  be 
sure  Miss  CARRIE  BARTHOLOMEW  will  in  future  look 
back  upon  it  with  at  least  as  much  wonder  as 
pride. 


A   CHICAGO   IDYL. 

A  GREAT  intellect  can  be  confined  in  a  small 
•*"*-  body,  but  a  large  foot  cannot  be  comfortably 
compressed  into  a  small  shoe.  Mr.  STANLEY  MAT- 
THEWS, for  example,  who  is  believed  to  have  at 
least  twenty-seven  more  cubic  feet  of  intellect  than 
any  other  man  now  living,  is  able  to  successfully 
conceal  the  whole  of  it  in  one  or  another  part  of  his 
body,  but  he  would  be  utterly  unable  to  crowd  one 
of  his  feet  into  Mrs.  MATTHEWS'  slipper.  Neverthe- 
less, man  is  so  constituted  as  to  be  a  constant  prey 
to  the  belief  that  he  can  wear  shoes  several  sizes 
too  small  for  him,  from  whence  arise  physical 
agony,  vexation  of  spirit,  and  grievous  violations  of 
the  third  commandment. 

It  is  rare  that  a  young  man  is  as  modest  and 
bashful  as  is  a  certain  young  man  now  residing  in 
Chicago.  He  is  an  excellent  youth,  but  it  has 


74  SHOOTING    STARS 

been  frequently  asserted  by  his  female  acquaint- 
ances that  should  he  ever  be  placed  in  circumstances 
where  it  would  be  his  duty  to  remark  "  boo  "  to  a 
goose,  he  would  fail  to  make  that  remark.  His 
present  occupation  is  the  study  of  chemistry,  and 
he  has  blown  himself  up  so  many  times  that  the 
small  stock  of  self-confidence  which  he  may  origin- 
ally have  had  has  completely  vanished.  Neverthe- 
less, he  had  the  strange  audacity  to  fall  violently 
in  love  with  a  beautiful  young  lady,  the  daughter 
of  a  grim  and  prosaic  Chicago  pork  person,  and 
continued  to  prosecute  his  suit  in  spite  of  the 
brutal  want  of  respect  shown  to  him  by  the  father, 
who  would  frequently  call  down  over  the  banisters 
to  his  daughter,  in  whose  society  the  bashful  young 
man  was  lingering — "  Jane  !  it's  eleven  o'clock. 
Turn  out  that  there  gas  and  come  to  bed  this 
minute." 

Not  very  long  ago  there  was  a  concert-  at  the 
Chicago  opera-house,  to  which  the  bashful  lover 
escorted  the  object  of  his  affections.  It  was  the 
first  time  that  he  had  ever  visited  a  public  place  in 


A    CHICAGO    IDYL.  75 

company  with  a  lady,  and  he  was  naturally  ex- 
tremely nervous.  .  He  dressed  himself  with  the 
greatest  care,  and  put  on  a  new  pair  of  patent 
leather  gaiters  purchased  expressly  for  the  occa- 
sion. Of  course,  the  gaiters  were  much  too  small 
for  him,  for,  as  Sir  ISAAC  NEWTON  conclusively 
shows,  the  size  of  a  lover's  shoes  varies  inversely 
as  the  force  of  his  passion.  It  took  him  a  long 
while  to  get  into  his  gaiters,  but  he  accomplished 
the  feat  after  tremendous  efforts,  and  in  due  time 
found  himself  seated  in  the  parquet  of  the  opera- 
house,  with  the  beautiful  young  lady  by  his  side. 

There  was  one  of  his  shoes  in  particular  which 
inflicted  upon  him  absolutely  fiendish  tortures, 
and  the  latter  increased  in  intensity  as  the  moments 
came  and  went.  Before  the  first  half  of  the  per- 
formance was  ended  he  was  nearly  wild  with  pain. 
It  was  perfectly  obvious  to  him  that  either  he 
must  obtain  immediate  relief  or  become  a  demon- 
strative idiot  on  the  spot ;  and  he  therefore  availed 
himself  of  the  screen  afforded  by  the  lady's  skirts 
to  remove  the  offending  shoe  and  give  liberty  to 


76  SHOOTING    STARS. 

the  captive  foot.  It  was  his  intention  to  put  the 
gaiter  on  again,  at  the  close  of  the  concert,  without 
attracting  attention,  and  had  it  not  been  for  an  un- 
foreseen accident  his  purpose  might  have  been 
carried  into  effect. 

It  so  happened  that  he  occupied  a  seat  next  to 
the  aisle.  Soon  after  he  had  removed  the  shoe,  a 
lady  who  sat  on  the  same  row  of  seats  rose  up  to 
leave  the  house.  As  she  brushed  by  the  bashful 
young  man  his  disengaged  shoe  became  entangled 
under  her  skirts  and  was  swept  away.  Half  way 
up  the  aisle  it  escaped  from  confinement,  and  be- 
came an  object  of  intense  interest  to  several 
thoughtless  young  men,  one  of  whom  finally  seized 
it  and  tossed  it  in  a  playful  Chicago  fashion  into 
the  lowest  gallery. 

The  full  horror  of  his  situation  smote  the  shoe- 
less youth.  His  face  became  first  scarlet  and  then 
pale  as  he  thought  of  the  spectacle  he  would  pre- 
sent when  the  time  should  come  for  him  to  limp 
out  of  the  theatre,  with  one  shoe  off  and  one  shoe 
on,  in  little  better  plight  than  was  the  allegori- 


A    CHICAGO    IDYL  77 

cal  Richard  Doubt  mentioned  in  BUNYAN'S  Pil- 
grims Progress.  There  "was  no  possible  lie  which 
he  could  frame  to  account  for  the  absence  of  that 
shoe,  and  he  knew  that  his  beloved  companion 
would  accuse  him  either  of  intoxication,  of  idiocy, 
or  of  a  penuriousness  which  permitted  him  to  buy 
only  one  shoe  at  a  time.  In  his  great  distress,  he 
even  attempted  to  possess  himself  of  one  of  a  pair 
of  India-rubber  overshoes  which  a  man  sitting  in 
front  of  him  had  deposited  within  reach  of  his  cane, 
but  as  he  was  in  the  act  of  drawing  the  overshoe 
to  him  with  the  handle  of  his  cane  he  was  detected 
and  scowled  at  with  such  violence  that  he  was  glad 
to  abandon  the  effort  and  to  murmur  an  incoherent 
apology.  All  this  time  he  kept  his  unshod  foot 
concealed  under  the  hem  of  his  companion's  dress, 
but  he  well  knew  that  the  hour  was  rapidly  ap- 
proaching when  concealment  would  be  no  longer 
possible.  The  idea  of  raising  a  false  alarm  of  fire, 
and  of  imputing  the  loss  of  his  shoe  to  the  panic 
which  would  inevitably  ensue,  occurred  to  him  ;  but 
his  better  feelings  prevailed,  and  he  resigned  himself 


78  SHOOTING    STARS. 

to  his  fate.  A  few  days  afterward  he  remembered 
how  he  had  wished  that  his  lady  love  was  a  St. 
Louis  girl,  in  which  case  he  would  have  told  her 
all,  in  the  expectation  that  she  would  nobly  say : 
"  Never  mind.  Share  one  of  my  shoes  with  me, 
for  it  is  large  enough  for  us  both ;' '  but  perhaps 
the  Chicago  press  is  mistaken  in  its  description  of 
the  shoes  of  the  girls  of  St.  Louis,  in  spite  of  the 
attention  which  it  has  paid  to  the  subject,  and  per- 
haps the  average  St.  Louis  female  shoe  is  not  of 
abnormal  size. 

The  concert  came  to  an  end.  With  the  calm- 
ness of  desperation  the  unhappy  youth  escorted  his 
companion  to  her  carriage  amid  the  sneers  and 
laughter  of  the  heartless  public.  As  he  left  her  at 
her  door,  she  freezingly  remarked  that  he  would 
never  have  another  opportunity  to  insult  her,  and 
that  her  father  would  take  prompt  measures  to 
punish  his  outrageous  conduct.  It  is  believed  that 
the  young  man  is  still  alive,  and  that  he  has  con- 
cealed himself  in  his  laboratory.  The  St.  Louis 
papers,  however,  think  that  if  he  is  not  dead  he 


A    CHICAGO    IDYL  79 

ought  to  be,  and  that  his  failure  to  borrow  the 
young  lady's  glove  and  to  use  it  as  a  temporary 
substitute  for  his  shoe,  no  matter  how  loosely  it 
might  have  fitted,  stamps  him  as  a  person  devoid 
of  all  intelligence  and  ingenuity. 


SCIENTIFIC    MENDACITY. 

ri  THE  dog  is  a  noble  animal.  No  one  who  has 
r*-  kept  a  dog  in  his  cellar  and  noticed  the  way 
in  which  the  intelligent  beast  lays  hold  of  the  man 
who  comes  to  inspect  the  gas-meter,  can  help 
loving  and  admiring  him.  Of  course,  the  more  we 
can  improve  the  dog  physically,  mentally,  and 
morally,  the  better,  and  hence  every  effort  at  de- 
veloping new  and  improved  breeds  of  dogs  ought 
to  be  warmly  welcomed. 

Scientific  persons  also,  as  well  as  dogs,  deserve, 
as  a  general  rule,  our  respect  and  admiration. 
Science,  if  indulged  in  moderately  by  men  who 
have  strength  of  mind  enough  to  avoid  all  mathe- 
matical excesses,  is  a  useful  and  pleasing  thing. 
Every  honest  and  fair-minded  man  prefers  to  put 
confidence  in  scientific  persons,  rather  than  to  view 
them  with  doubt  and  suspicion.  Nevertheless,  it 


SCIENTIFIC    MENDACITY.  81 

is  undeniable  that  at  times  certain  scientific  persons 
will  make  assertions  which  are  utterly  incredible. 
Such,  it  is  sad  to  say,  is  the  conduct  of  the  Scien- 
tific Person  who,  in  a  recent  number  of  the  Scien- 
tific American,  has  described  a  new  breed  of  dog, 
which  he  calls  "  an  improved  saw-mill  dog."  The 
ordinary  saw-mill  dog,  although  of  mixed  and  in- 
definite breed,  is  a  useful  animal,  and  can  be 
trained  to  catch  small  pieces  of  timber  that  go 
adrift,  as  well  as  to  warn  children  away  from  the 
buzz-saw..  An  improved  saw-mill  dog  would,  un- 
doubtedly, be  very  acceptable,  but  the  alleged 
animal  described  by  the  Scientific  Person  in  ques- 
tion is  not  merely  unprofitable,  but  is  so  thoroughly 
impossible  as  to  be  an  affront  to  human  intelli- 
gence. It  is  a  publifc  duty  to  expose  the  menda- 
cious character  of  this  description,  and  to  convict 
the  writer  of  the  unparalleled  impudence  of  which 
he  has  ventured  to  be  guilty. 

He  begins,  with  a  certain  degree  of  moderation, 
by  informing  us  that  the  "  improved  saw-mill  dog" 
is  constructed  of  "  the  best  material,  is  strong  and 


82  SHOOTING    STARS. 

durable,  has  very  few  joints,  and  retains  the  log 
with  great  firmness."  While  we  do  not  at  once 
perceive  what  is  gained  by  diminishing  the  num- 
ber of  joints  with  which  nature  originally  provided 
dogs,  there  is  nothing  in  the  statement  just  quoted 
which  is  absolutely  incredible.  The  writer,  how- 
ever, soon  yields  to  the  temptation  to  play  upon 
public  credulity,  and  informs  us  that  the  dog's 
teeth  "  are  easily  taken  out  and  sharpened,  or  re- 
placed by  duplicates  !  "  Is  this  credible  ?  Who 
ever  heard  of  taking  out  a  dog's  teeth,  sharpening 
them,  and  returning  them  to  their  sockets ;  or  of 
putting  artificial  teeth  in  a  dog's  mouth?  Even 
were  such  a  thing  possible,  it  would  be  an  atro- 
cious act  of  cruelty.  The  Scientific  Fabulist,  how- 
ever, is  quite  willing  to  be  thought  guilty  of 
cruelty  to  animals.  He  proceeds  to  say  that 
"shafts" — meaning,  of  course,  clubs — are  "con- 
venient and  effective  in  forcing  the  dogs  on  to  the 
log  and  holding  them  with  a  relentless  grip."  That 
is  to  say,  the  poor  animals  are  to  be  beaten  until 
they  bite  so  deeply  in  the  log  which  they  are  re- 


SCIENTIFIC    MENDACITY.  83 

quired  to  hold  that  they  may  be  said  to  be  "  forced 
into  it."  We  don't  believe  a  word  of  this,  for 
mendacious  as  the  Scientific  Person  is,  he  cannot 
be  as  cruel  as  he  pretends  to  be. 

He  next  proceeds  to  tell  us  that  the  dog  is 
"  made  to  slide  on  an  upright  bar."  This  is  mere 
nonsense.  A  dog  might  be  trained  to  slide  on  a 
nearly  horizontal  bar,  but  to  make  him  slide  on  an 
upright  bar  would  be  impossible.  What  does  this 
man  mean  by  his  preposterous  stories  ?  Does  he 
suppose  that  we  are  all  as  ignorant  as  Western 
statesmen,  or  as  credulous  as  Communists  ?  He 
pretends  that  the  dog's  "  lower  end  is  pivoted  to 
the  knee,  and  that  the  upper  end  will  recede  and 
allow  large  logs  to  come  back."  0 !  it  is,  is  it  ? 
How  would  the  Scientific  Person  like  to  have  him- 
self pivoted  in  a  similar  way  ;  and  if  so  pivoted 
would  his  upper  end  recede  and  allow  large  logs  to 
come  back  ?  Does  he  expect  us  to  believe  that 
logs  are  intelligent ;  that  they  will  run  away  when 
the  dog  is  at  large,  and  will  have  courage  to  return 
when  they  see  that  he  is  securely  pivoted  ?  It  is 


84  SHOOTING     STARS. 

positively  blood-curdling  to  read  the  atrocious 
falsehoods  which  this  shameless  person  tries  to 
palm  off  upon  us. 

The  dog's  fore-legs  are  courteously  spoken  of 
as  arms.  This  is  unobjectionable,  but  when  intel- 
ligent men  are  told  that  these  arms  are  "  made 
adjustable  by  spring  pins,"  and  can  be  lengthened 
or  shortened  at  pleasure,  the  desire  to  go  and.  kill 
the  audacious  author  of  such  atrocious  stories  can 
hardly  be  restrained.  Think  of  lengthening  or 
shortening  a  dog's  fore-legs  at  pleasure,  either  with 
spring  pins  or  with  early  summer  needles  !  This 
is  too  much.  Of  course,  this  is  a  free  country,  and 
a  man  has  a  right  to  free  speech,  provided  he 
always  expresses  the  sentiments  of  the  mnjority ; 
but  are  our  homes  to  be  polluted  with  pretended 
scientific  statements  concerning  alleged  dogs  with 
adjustable  fore-legs  ?  If  science  has  come  to  this, 
let  Mr.  COMSTOCK  look  to  it.  The  United  States 
mails  must  not  and  shall  not  be  used  to  disseminate 
monstrous  scientific  falsehoods,  subversive  of  the 
very  first  principles  of  canine  anatomy. 


SCIENTIFIC    MENDACITY.  85 

Toward  the  end  of  his  description  the  scientific 
moral  monster  became  incoherent.  He  alludes 
without  any  explanation  to  a  "  board  dog  "  who,  it 
appears,  is  "  carried  in  a  socket."  This  may  be 
madness  combined  with  mendacity,  and  in  all 
probability  it  is.  Then  we  are  told  that  "the 
single  dog  " — what  single  dog  ? — "  with  straight 
tooth  or  bit  is  easily  kept  in  order  and  easily 
operated."  Who  ever  said  the  contrary  ?  Any 
dog,  whether  single  or  wedded,  can  be  kept  in 
order  without  the  slightest  trouble  if  his  owner  un- 
derstands the  nature  and  habits  of  dogs.  The 
Scientific  Person,  however,  may  have  alluded  to 
the  docility  of  the  single  dog  in  order  to  contrast 
him  with  what  he  calls  "  improved  yielding  spring 
dogs,"  for  he  goes  on  to  say  that  the  latter  "  catch 
the  under  side  of  the  cant  and  hold  its  lower  edge." 
This  man  must  die.  There  is  nothing  else  that 
will  satisfy  an  outraged  public.  Who  ever  heard 
of  "  improved  yielding  spring  dogs,"  and  what  in 
the  name  of  zoology  and  saw-mills  is  "  the  under 
side  of  the  cant "  ?  We  know  what  scientific  cant 


86  SHOOTING    STARS. 

is,  and  that  it  is  as  disgusting  as  religious  cant,  but 
how  can  its  under  side  be  seized  by  spring  or  fall 
or  winter  dogs  ?  If  there  are  any  improved  yield- 
ing spring  dogs  in  existence  with  a  fondness  for 
seizing  the  under  side  of  things,  let  them  be  loosed 
upon  the  Scientific  Munchausen  and  kept  in  opera- 
tion. Such  is  the  very  mildest  punishment  which 
should  be  inflicted  upon  him. 


THE  BELLE  OF  VALLEJO. 

~T"T~ALLEJO,  California,  possesses  a  young  lady 
*  of  extraordinary  beauty.  She  is,  moreover, 
as  intelligent  and  bold  as  she  is  beautiful,  and  in 
grappling  with  a  sudden  emergency  she  is  probably 
unequaled  by  any  one  of  her  sex.  Naturally,  she 
is  the  admiration  of  every  young  man  in  the  town. 
In  fact,  she  is  beyond  the  reach  of  rivalry.  The 
other  young  ladies  of  Yallejo  are  perfectly  well 
aware  that  it  is  hopeless  for  them  to  enter  the  lists 
with  her.  They  never  expect  to  receive  calls  from 
marriageable  young  men  except  on  the  off  nights  of 
the  Vallejo  belle,  and,  though  they  doubtless  mur- 
mur secretly  against  this  dispensation,  they  appa- 
rently accept  it  as  a  law  of  nature. 

For  two  years  the  beauty  in  question,  whom  we 
will  call  Miss  Ecks,  received  the  homage  of  her 
multitudinous  admirers,  and  took  an  evident  delight 


88  SHOOTING    STARS. 

in  adding  to  their  number.  So  far  from  selecting 
any  particular  young  man  for  front-gate  or  back- 
piazza  duty,  she  preferred  to  entertain  one  or  two 
dozen  simultaneous  admirers  in  the  full  blaze  of 
the  brilliantly-lighted  front  parlor.  It  is  only  fair 
to  add  that  she  was  an  earnest  young  woman,  who 
despised  coquetry  and  never  dreamed  of  showing 
favor  to  one  young  man  in  order  to  exasperate  the 
rest. 

That  so  brilliant  a  girl  should  have  finally 
selected  a  meek  young  minister  on  whom  to  lavish 
her  affections  was  certainly  a  surprise  to  all  who 
knew  her,  and  when  it  was  first  rumored  that  she 
had  made  such  a  selection,  Vallejo  refused  to 
believe  it.  The  minister  made  his  regular  nightly 
calls  upon  the  object  of  his  affections,  but  an  aver- 
age quantity  of  eleven  other  young  men  never 
failed  to  be  present.  Of  course,  he  could  not  ob- 
tain a  single  moment  of  private  happiness  with  his 
eleven  rivals  sitting  all  round  the  room,  unless  he 
made  his  evening  call  at  a  preposterously  early 
hour.  He  did  try  this  expedient  once  or  twice, 


THE    BELLE    OF    VALLEJO.  89 

but  the  only  result  was  that  the  eleven  admirers  at 
once  followed  his  example.  In  these  circumstan- 
ces he  began  to  grow  thin  with  suppressed  affec- 
tion, and  the  young  lady,  alarmed  at  his  condition, 
made  up  her  mind  that  something  must  be  done 
without  delay. 

About  three  weeks  ago  the  young  minister 
presented  himself  in  his  beloved's  front  parlor  at 
6:50  P.  M.,  and  in  the  ten  minutes  that  elapsed 
before  the  first  of  his  rivals  rang  the  bell,  he 
painted  the  misery  of  courting  by  battalions  in  the 
most  harrowing  terms.  Miss  Ecks  listened  to  him 
with  deep  sympathy,  and  promised  him  that  if  he 
would  stay  until  nine  o'clock,  the  last  of  the  objec- 
tionable young  men  would  be  so  thoroughly  dis- 
posed of  that  for  the  rest  of  the  evening  he  would 
have  the  field  to  himself.  Full  of  confidence  in  the 
determination  and  resources  of  his  betrothed,  his 
spirits  returned,  and  he  was  about  to  express  his 
gratitude  with  his  lips,  as  well  as  his  heart,  when 
the  first  young  man  was  ushered  into  the  room. 

Miss  Ecks  received  her  unwelcome  guest  with 


90  SHOOTING    STARS. 

great  cordiality,  and  invited  him  to  sit  on  a  chair 
the  back  of  which  was  placed  close  to  a  door.  The 
door  in  question  opened  outward  and  upon  the  top 
of  a  flight  of  stairs  leading  to  the  cellar.  The 
latch  was  old  and  out  of  order,  and  the  least  pres- 
sure would  cause  it  to  fly  open.  In  pursuance  of  a 
deep-laid  plan,  Miss  Ecks  so  molded  her  conversa- 
tion as  to  place  the  visitor  at  his  ease.  In  a  very 
few  moments,  he  ceased  to  twist  his  fingers  and 
writhe  his  legs,  and  presently  tilted  back  his  chair 
after  the  manner  of  a  contented  and  happy  man. 
No  sooner  did  the  back  of  the  chair  touch  the  door 
than  the  latter  flew  open,  and  the  unhappy  guest 
disappeared  into  the  cellar  with  a  tremendous 
crash.  Checking  the  cry  that  arose  from  the 
astonished  clergyman,  Miss  Ecks  quietly  reclosed 
the  fatal  door,  placed  a  fresh  chair  in  its  vicinity, 
and  calmly  remarked,  "  That's  one  of  them." 

In  five  minutes  more  the  second  young  man 
entered.  Like  his  predecessor,  he  seated  himself 
on  the  appointed  chair,  tipped  back  upon  its  hind- 
legs,  and  instantly  vanished.  "  That's  two  of 


THE    BELLE    OF    VALLEJO.  91 

them,"  remarked  the  imperturbable  beauty,  as  she 
closed  the  door  and  once  more  re-set  the  trap. 
From  this  time  until  nine  o'clock  a  constant  suc- 
cession of  young  men  went  down  those  cellar-stairs. 
Some  of  them  groaned  slightly  after  reaching  the 
bottom,  but  not  one  returned.  It  was  an  unu- 
sually good  night  for  young  men,  and  Miss  Ecks 
caught  no  less  than  fourteen  between  seven  and 
nine  o'clock.  As  the  last  one  disappeared  she 
turned  to  her  horrified  clergyman  and  said,  "  That's 
the  last  of  them  !  Now  for  business  !  "  but  that 
mild  young  man  had  fainted.  His  nerves  were 
unable  to  bear  the  strain,  and  when  the  moment 
of  his  wished-for  monopoly  of  his  betrothed  had 
arrived  he  was  unable  to  enjoy  it. 

Later  in  the  evening  he  revived  sufficiently  to 
seek  a  railway  station  and  fly  forever  from  his 
remorseless  charmer.  The  inquest  that  was  subse- 
quently held  upon  the  fourteen  young  men  will 
long  be  remembered  as  a  most  impressive  scene. 
Miss  Ecks  was  present  with  her  back  hair  loose, 
and  the  tears  stood  in  her  magnificent  eyes  as  she 


92  SHOOTING    STARS. 

testified  that  she  could  not  imagine  what  induced 
the  young  men  to  go  down  cellar.  The  jury  with- 
out the  slightest  hesitation  found  that  they  had 
one  and  all  committed  suicide,  and  the  coroner 
personally  thanked  the  young  lady  for  her  lucid 
testimony.  She  is  now  more  popular  than  ever, 
and,  with  the  loss  of  her  own  accepted  lover,  has 
renewed  her  former  fondness  for  society,  and 
nightly  entertains  all  the  surviving  young  men  of 
Vallejo. 

This  shows  what  the  magnificent  climate  of 
California  can  accomplish  in  the  production  of  girls 
when  it  really  tries. 


THE   SLIPPER  REPORT. 

nnHE  rapidity  with  which  the  Bureau  of  Statis- 
-*~  tics  does  its  work  is  admirable.  Within  a 
week  after  New  Year's  day,  the  Bureau  was  able 
to  publish  its  annual  Clerical  Slipper  Report,  which 
includes  complete  returns  from  nearly  every  Pro- 
testant minister  in  the  United  States,  of  whatever 
denomination.  Were  it  not  that  the  presentation 
of  slippers  is  a  ceremony  not  recognized  by  the' 
Church  of  Rome,  the  report  would,  of  course,  have 
included  a  still  greater  aggregate  of  slippers,  and 
the  task  of  preparing  it  would  have  been  propor- 
tionally greater.  When  it  is  remembered  that  the 
6/,418  ministers  mentioned  in  this  report  are  scat- 
tered over  an  entire  continent,  and  that  the  slippers 
of  each  one  of  them  have  been  accurately  enumer- 
ated, an  approximate  idea  of  the  enormous  work 
done  by  the  bureau  can  be  formed. 


94  SHOOTING    STARS. 

The  total  number  of  clerical  slippers  present- 
ed during  the  last  holiday  season  was  887,215. 
These  figures  represent  single  slippers  and  not 
pairs,  as  might  be  hastily  imagined — the  bureau 
having  been  compelled  to  take  cognizance  of  single 
slippers  only  in  consequence  of  the  fact  that  there 
is  a  number  of  one-legged  ministers  who  are  never 
presented  with  more  than  one  slipper  at  a  time. 
Even  if  we  divide  the  figures  given  in  the  report 
by  two,  and  assume  that  they  represent  443,607 
pairs  of  slippers,  and  only  one  solitary  single  slip- 
per, we  may  well  be  startled  at  the  immense  pro- 
portions to  which  clerical  slipper  presentation  has 
arrived.  The  previous  report  showed  that  717,508 
single  slippers  were  presented  during  the  holiday 
season  of  1875-6,  or  169,707  less  than  the  number 
mentioned  in  the  present  report.  A  like  increase 
next  year  will  bring  more  than  a  million  slippers 
to  the  parsonages  of  our  land,  and  it  is  probable 
that  the  number  will  fall  little,  if  any,  short  of 
1,200,000. 

The    number   of  Protestant    ministers   among 


THE    SLIPPER    REPORT  95 

whom  these  slippers  were  divided  is  67,418. 
This  gives  an  average  of  about  thirteen  slippers  to 
each  minister.  Of  course,  there  was  no  such  im- 
partial distribution.  While  the  one-legged  Metho- 
dist minister  at  Grand  Rapids,  Washington  Terri- 
tory, received  a  solitary  slipper  made  of  birch-bark 
by  an  aboriginal  parishioner,  the  fortunate  Bishop 
of  a  New  England  diocese  received  73  pairs.  The 
latter  was  the  highest  number  of  slippers  received 
by  any  one  clergyman,  though  a  Methodist  Pastor 
in  Chicago  and  a  Cumberland  Presbyterian  in 
Louisville,  who  received  respectively  71  and  70 
pairs,  were  but  little  behind.  About  three-sevenths 
of  all  ministers  received  two  and  three  pairs  each, 
thus  leaving  an  enormous  quantity  to  be  distributed 
among  the  other  four-sevenths.  It  will  not  escape 
the  notice  of  students  of  the  report  that  Baptist 
ministers  receive  in  proportion  fewer  slippers  than 
ministers  of  other  denominations.  This,  however, 
is  easily  explicable  upon  the  theory  that  the  love 
and  admiration  of  their  flocks  are  expressed  mainly 
in  the  shape  of  water-proof  boots — which  latter 


96  SHOOTING    STARS. 

articles  cannot,  of  course,  be  included  among  slip- 
per statistics. 

A  new  feature  has  been  added  to  the  report 
this  year,  which  much  increases  its  interest.  This 
is  a  classification  of  the  slippers  in  accordance  with 
their  patterns.  Thus,  there  are  "ecclesiastical" 
slippers,"  or  slippers  bearing  ecclesiastical  emblems, 
such  as  crosses  and  open  Bibles ;  "  slippers  of  the 
affections,"  upon  which  hearts,  clasped  hands,  and 
such  like  devices  are  embroidered;  and  "textual 
slippers,"  which  are  ornamented  with  the  chapter 
and  verse  of  some  particular  text;  as, for  example, 
"Luke  xcviii :  17."  Apparently,  slippers  of  this 
kind  are  presented  chiefly  to  unmarried  ministers, 
since  the  majority  of  them  refer  to  texts  inculcating 
the  duty  of  marriage.  "  Motto  slippers  "  are  evi- 
dently extremely  popular,  for  it  appears  that  no 
less  than  2,170  slippers  bore  the  legend  "  Bless 
our  Pastor."  Among  "  miscellaneous  slippers," 
a  pair  which  were  embroidered  with  a  beautiful 
picture  of  DANIEL  in  the  Lion's  Den  is  mentioned, 
and  it  is  to  be  regretted  that  the  artist,  owing  to 


THE    SLIPPER    REPORT.  97 

want  of  space,  was  compelled  to  put  the  lions  on 
one  slipper  and  DANIEL  on  the  other ;  thus  seriously 
interfering  with  the  unity  of.  the  design. 

What  becomes  of  all  these  slippers  ?  It  is  well 
known  that  a  popular  clergyman  never  ventures 
to  wear  his  Christmas  slippers,  for  the  reason  that 
whatever  pair  he  may  wear,  he  thereby  incurs  the 
anger  of  the  givers  of  the  other  pairs.  Of  course, 
he  cannot  openly  sell  his  superfluous  slippers,  and 
he  cannot  give  them  away  or  destroy  them.  It  is 
thus  seen  that  the  question  "  what  does  he  do  with 
them?"  is  one  that  touches  a  great  and  solemn 
mystery.  Hitherto  no  one  has  been  able  to  solve 
this  mystery,  but  unless  we  are  grossly  deceived, 
the  clue  to  it  is  at  length  in  our  hands. 

It  would  occur  to  the  dullest  mind  that  the 
existence  of  a  "  Clerical  Co-operative  Slipper  Soci- 
ety and  India-rubber  Guild  "  must  have  some  con- 
nection with  clerical  Christmas  slippers,  but  a 
copy  of  the  constitution  and  by-laws  of  the  Society, 
which,  in  spite  of  the  secrecy  in  which  the  matter 
has  hitherto  been  shrouded,  recently  came  into  the 
5 


98  SHOOTING    STARS. 

hands  of  a  well-known  resident  of  this  city,  throws 
a  flood  of  light  upon  the  slipper  problem.  Under 
the  rules  of  the  Society  every  member  forwards  his 
slippers  and  India-rubbers  to  the  Central  Agency, 
in  Boston.  The  agency  forwards  them  to  London, 
where  they  are  quietly  sold  by  a  sub-agent. 
From  the  proceeds  are  first  paid  the  salaries  of  the 
chief  agent  and  his  assistants  and  the  cost  of  han- 
dling the  slippers.  The  rest  of  the  money  is  then 
divided  pro  rata  among  the  original  slipper-owners, 
each  of  whom  pledges  himself  to  devote  a  tenth  of 
his  annual  receipts  to  purchasing  shoes  for  bare- 
footed children.  The  Society  recognizes  no  eccle- 
siastical or  sectarian  differences.  The  Episcopal 
Bishop  and  the  Primitive  Methodist  minister  are 
united  by  the  common  bond  of  superfluous  slippers. 
At  what  rate  the  slippers  are  sold  and  what  is  the 
average  amount  per  pair  which  each  member  of  the 
Society  receives  the  public  will  doubtless  learn  at  a 
later  day.  All  that  is  now  known  of  the  society  is 
its  existence  and  its  method  of  operation.  Of 
these  there  can  be  no  doubt,  provided,  of  course, 


THE    SLIPPER    REPORT.  99 

the  well-known  citizen  to  whom  reference  has  just 
been  made  is  as  trustworthy  as  he  is  universally 
believed  to  be. 

Hitherto  Congress  has  not  ordered  the  Slipper 
Report  to  be  printed  for  public  distribution,  but  it 
is  earnestly  to  be  hoped  that  the  present  report  will 
be  printed,  and  that  every  citizen  will  receive  and 
study  a  copy  of  what  is  really  one  of  the  most  able 
documents  ever  prepared. 


POPULAR  ELECTRICITY. 

A  \  J  ITHIN  the  present  century  vast  progress 
*  *  has  been  made  in  the  study  of  the  nature 
and  applications  of  electricity.  From  the  first 
sparks  drawn  from  the  back  of  the  primeval  cat  by 
her  cave-dwelling  master,  to  the  discovery  of  the 
phonograph,  there  is  an  immense  distance.  Never- 
theless, it  is  believed  by  many  scientific  persons 
that  we  are  as  yet  merely  on  the  threshold  of  elec- 
tricity, and  that  in  the  future  we  shall  make  dis- 
coveries infinitely  more  important  than  those 
which  the  ablest  electricians  have  hitherto  made. 

It  is  only  just  beginning  to  be  understood  that 
the  electric  currents  of  the  earth  have  an  intimate 
connection  with  a  great  quantity  of  things.  The 
aurora-borealis  is  believed  to  be  in  some  mysterious 
way  connected  with  spots  on  the  solar  disk,  and 
these  spots  in  their  turn  have  an  influence  upon 


POPULAR    E 


LID 


our  climate,  and  upon  the  spread  of  pestilential 
diseases.  Recently  it  has  been  asserted  that  no 
man  can  sleep  well  unless  the  major  axis  of  his 
bed,  and  consequently  his  personal  major  axis, 
corresponds  with  the  position  of  the  axis  of  the 
earth.  This  is  due  to  the  fact  that  the  currents 
of  earthly  electricity  flow  in  the  direction  of  the 
earth's  axis ;  or,  in  other  words,  from  pole  to  pole. 
If  they  enter  a  recumbent  human  being  at  his  feet, 
and  pass  out  at  his  head,  he  becomes  sleepy,  while 
if,  owing  to  the  wrong  position  of  his  bed,  they 
enter  him  from  one  side  or  the  other,  their  strug- 
gles to  get  out  again  produce  such  a  derangement 
of  his  nervous  system,  as  to  render  it  impossible 
for  him  to  sleep.  These  are  but  a  few  of  the  hosts 
of  facts  which  might  be  mentioned  to  prove  the  in- 
fluence of  earth-currents  upon  man  and  his  sur- 
roundings, and  we  shall  yet  make  discoveries  in 
this  particular  field,  which  no  one  outside  of  an 
insane  asylum  will  be  capable  of  believing. 

The  reason  why  the  cats  whose  howls  disturb 
our   nocturnal  slumbers   are   uniformly  found   on 


102  SHOOTING    STARS. 

back  fences  running  in  a  direction  perpendicular,  or 
nearly  perpendicular  to  the  axis  of  the  earth,  has 
never  hitherto  been  ascertained.  Sir  ISAAC  NEWTON 
attempted  to  explain  the  fact  by  asserting  that  the 
great  majority  of  fences  are  built  parallel  to  the 
equator,  but  this  explanation  is  glaringly  at  variance 
with  well-ascertained  facts.  BUFFON  suggested  that 
cats  are  mysteriously  influenced  by  the  moon,  and 
that  hence  they  prefer  fences  which  are  built  in  the 
general  direction  of  the  plane  of  the  moon's  orbit. 
This  is  certainly  a  plausible  explanation,  but  it  has 
yet  to  be  proved  that  moonlight  is  the  cause,  rather 
than  a  mere  incident,  of  nocturnal  cat  concerts. 
The  other  explanations  which  have  been  hazarded 
by  lesser  authorities  are  scarcely  worth  mention- 
ing. All  that  we  really  know  is  the  single  fact 
that  nocturnal  cats  are  distributed  around  the 
eartti  in  belts  parallel  to  the  equator.  Fully 
ninety-three  per  cent  of  the  cats  that  bring  us  from 
our  midnight  couches  with  bootjacks  in  our  hands 
and  rage  in  our  hearts,  are  found  perched  upon 
the  east  and  west  fences,  and  to  the  truth  of 


POPULAR    ELECTRICITY.  103 

this  assertion  every  New  Yorker  will  readily 
agree. 

In  examining  this  very  interesting  and  impor- 
tant problem,  let  us  begin  by  asking  why  the  mid- 
night cat  howls.  Superficial  observers  have  al- 
leged that  howling  is  the  natural  expression  of  the 
tender  passion  among  cats,  and  that  the  intensity 
of  a  cat's  admiration  for  the  female  of  his  species 
may  be  accurately  measured  by  the  hideousness  of 
his  howls.  This  is  an  insult  to  human  intelligence 
and  feline  self-respect.  Would  any  young  man, 
desiring  to  plead  his  suit  with  the  lady  of  his  heart, 
place  himself  under  her  window  and  yell  as  if  he 
were  undergoing  the  severest  torments  ?  Of  course 
he  would  not,  and  equally  of  course,  no  intelligent 
cat  would  be  guilty  of  a  like  folly.  The  yells  of  the 
midnight  cat  bear  every  sign  of  being  the  expres- 
sion of  the  keenest  suffering,  and  only  the  most 
perverse  ingenuity  can  regard  them  as  the  voice  of 
love. 

We  have  thus  learned  that  the  cat  perched  on 
a  back  fence  perpendicularly  to  the  axis  of  the 


104  SHOOTING    STARS. 

earth,  and  to  the  direction  of  the  earth  currents  of 
electricity,  howls  because  he — or  she,  as  the  case 
may  be— is  undergoing  acute  agony.  Very  possi- 
bly cats  pass  over  fences  running  from  north  to 
eoiith  quite  as  frequently  as  they  do  over  fences 
running  in  the  direction  of  the  equator,  but  in  the 
former  case  they  experience  no  pain,  and  hence  do 
not  attract  attention  by  their  outcries.  The  mo- 
ment, however,  that  a  cat  finds  himself  on  an  east 
and  west  fence  he  is  racked  by  internal  pains ;  he 
tries  to  relieve  his  mind  by  howls  and  profanity, 
and  he  thereby  excites  the  rage  of  his  human  au- 
diences. Now,  if  we  ascertain  what  produces  these 
pains,  we  shall  have  found  the  true  answer  to  the 
question  under  discussion.  May  it  not  be  that 
electricity  is  really  at  the  bottom  of  the  whole 
affair? 

The  cat,  be  it  remembered,  is  more  addicted  to 
electricity  than  any  other  animal,  except  the  elec- 
trical eel,  and  hence  is  peculiarly  susceptible  to  the 
influence  of  the  earth  currents.  So  long  as  the  cat 
walks  over  fences  running  from  north  to  south  his 


POPULAR    ELECTRICITY.  105 

axis  is  coincident  with  the  direction  of  these  cur- 
rents. They  pass  smoothly  through  his  spinal 
column,  and  heyond  gently  stimulating  his  mind 
and  tail,  they  have  no  perceptible  effect  upon  him. 
When,  however,  he  tries  to  walk  on  a  fence  built 
parallel  to  the  equator,  his  private  axis  becomes 
perpendicular  to  the  earth-currents.  They  pene- 
trate his  vitals  and  they  wrench  him  all  to  pieces 
in  their  efforts  to  force  their  way  through  him. 
Filled  with  anguish,  he  stops,  clings  fiercely  to  the 
fence,  and  lifts  up  his  voice  in  frenzied  agony.  To 
some  extent  the  muscles  of  his  legs  are  paralyzed, 
and  he  is  unable  to  move  until  the  unfeeling  boot- 
jack comes  hurtling  through  the  air  and  stimulates 
him  into  action.  He  then  springs  from  the  fence  ; 
his  pains  vanish,  and  his  voice  is  silent.  Is  not 
this  a  complete  and  scientific  explanation  of  the 
question  which  has  so  long  defied  the  ablest  scien- 
tific minds  ? 

We  thus  see  how  beautiful  are  the  reasoning 
processes  by  which  true  science  investigates 
abstruse  questions.  We  also  see  that  one  of  the 


106  SHOOTING    STARS. 

most  common  incidents  of  every-night  life  is  due 
to  the  electricity  of  the  earth.  Let  us,  then,  be 
thankful  that  we  live  in  a  scientific  age,  and  that 
there  are  more  uses  for  electricity  than  any  one  has 
yet  dreamed  of. 


LONG  ISLAND  HUNTING. 

MORE  than  six  months  have  come  and  gone 
since  the  Long  Island  Hunt  was  organized. 
During  that  time  the  gallant  hunters  have  chased 
the  wild  anise-seed  hag  at  least  twice  every  week. 
One  would  suppose  that  by  this  time  every  mem- 
ber of  the  hunt  must  have  been  in  at  the  death, 
but,  strange  as  it  may  seem,  not  a  single  anise-seed 
bag  has  been  killed.  A  matter  so  serious  as  this 
cannot  be  passed  over  in  silence,  and  it  becomes 
necessary  to  inquire  why  the  chase  has  in  every 
instance  proved  unsuccessful. 

It  will  not  do  to  say  that  the  hunters  have 
abstained  from  killing  anise-seed  bags  in  order  to 
avoid  the  premature  extirpation  of  the  animal. 
Although  our  most  learned  naturalists  were  until 
recently  unaware  of  the  existence  of  the  anise-seed 
bag  on  Long  Island,  there  can  be  no  doubt  that  the 


108  SHOOTING    STARS. 

animal  is  abundant  in  Queens  and  Suffolk  Counties. 
In  every  instance  the  dogs  have  struck  the  scent 
without  any  difficulty.  This  shows  conclusively 
that  the  covers  of  Long  Island  are  full  of  anise- 
seed  bags,  and  refutes  the  pretext  that  the  hunters 
forbear  to  kill  because  they  fear  that  the  animal 
will  be  exterminated. 

It  is,  perhaps,  hardly  worth  while  to  notice  the 
ludicrous  mistake  made  by  certain  provincial  papers, 
that  the  anise-seed  bag  is  a  literal  cloth  bag,  filled 
with  a  supposed  substance  called  anise-seed,  and 
dragged  on  the  ground  by  a  mounted  groom.  The 
absurdity  of  this  supposition  is  glaringly  apparent. 
Is  it  probable  that  a  dozen  or  more  men  would  ride 
after  a  pack  of  hounds  in  pursuit  of  a  miserable 
prosaic  bag?  Very  small  boys  might  agree  to 
make  believe  that  a  bag  is  a  live  animal,  just  as 
very  little  girls  sometimes  make  believe  that  a 
dust-brush  wrapped  in  a  towel  is  a  living  infant, 
but  men  have  outgrown  such  childish  plays.  This 
preposterous  mistake  of  the  rural  press  is  mentioned 
here  because  it  may  be  reiterated  by  Philadelphian 


LONG    ISLAND    HUNTING.  109 

or  Oshkoshian  papers  in  explanation  of  the  failure 
to  kill.  Chasing  wild  animals  may  or  may  not  be 
an  improving  occupation,  but  the  supposition  that 
the  Long  Island  hunters  deliberately  chase  a 
"  make-believe  "  animal,  does  them  a  gross  injustice. 
The  anise-seed  bag  is  somewhat  larger  and 
fiercer  than  the  fox,  but  rather  smaller  than  the 
wolf.  It  is  of  a  light  brown  color,  with  an  enor- 
mous mouth  and  a  fierce  disposition.  Neverthe- 
less, it  shuns  the  sight  of  man,  and  lurks  in  the 
depths  of  the  forest,  or  makes  its  way  across  the 
country  by  availing  itself  of  the  shelter  of  ditches 
and  stone  walls.  It  is  much  fleeter  than  the  fox, 
but  a  good  pack  of  hounds  can  always  run  it  down. 
The  anise-seed  bag,  in  spite  of  its  fierceness  when 
driven  to  bay,  rarely  attacks  man  except  in  numbers, 
and  when  suffering  from  hunger.  In  the  early  his- 
tory of  the  Plymouth  colonists  the  anise-seed  bags 
were  very  numerous  and  bold.  They  would  gather 
at  the  outskirts  of  the  settlement  in  packs  of  several 
hundred,  and  sit  on  end  howling  dismally,  and 
longing  to  stay  their  stomachs  with  even  the  most 


110  SHOOTING    STARS. 

sour  and  angular  pilgrim  in  all  Plymouth.  Still,  it 
does  not  appear  that  any  of  the  colonists  were  actu- 
ally killed  by  these  animals.  True,  we  read  in  the 
journal  of  Capt.  MILES  STANDISH  an  entry  to  the 
effect  that  "  it  is  said  that  Mr.  JOHN  ALDEN  was 
last  night  devoured  by  anise-seed  bags,  and  that 
his  vain  and  fickle  widow  is  in  much  tribulation. 
There  are  those  who  think  that  he  hath  received 
his  deserts;  "  but  it  subsequently  proved  that  the 
rumor  was  false.  BUFFON  asserts  that  the  anise- 
seed  bag  will  fight  desperately  when  its  means  of 
escape  are  cut  off,  and  that  the  hunter  frequently 
pays  for  his  temerity  with  his  life.  This,  however, 
was  written  of  the  larger  species  which  inhabits  the 
desert  of  Gobi,  and  may  not  be  true  of  the  Long 
Island  variety.  The  latter  may  be  as  dangerous 
as  local  legends  claim  that  it  is ;  but  there  is  no 
well-authenticated  case  of  the  death  of  any  Long 
Islander  at  the  hands,  or  rather  the  teeth,  of  an 
anise-seed  bag. 

Can  it  be  possible  that  the  gallant  huntsmen 
who   have  hitherto  ridden   so  unsuccessfully  are 


LONG    ISLAND    HUNTING.  Ill 

really  afraid  to  bring  the  animal  to  bay,  lest  they 
or  their  dogs  should  suffer  serious  injury  ?  Al- 
though this  supposition  does  no  credit  to  their 
bravery,  it  cannot  be  said  to  be  without  some 
foundation.  The  huntsmen  follow  the  flying  anise- 
seed  bag  until  the  hounds  are  within  a  short  dis- 
tance of  the  animal,  when  the  horses  are  pulled  up, 
the  dogs  called  off,  and  the  panting  anise-seed  bag 
allowed  to  make  its  escape.  The  other  day  the 
hounds  were  so  nearly  successful  in  running  the 
beast  to  earth,  that  a  tame  fox  was  let  out  of  a 
bag  expressly  to  divert  their  attention,  while  the 
anise-seed  bag  escaped.  As  the  fox  insisted  upon 
lying  down  to  sleep,  it  was  necessary  to  whip  him 
into  activity,  and  even  when  this  was  done,  he  re- 
fused to  run,  and  permitted  the  master  of  the  hunt 
to  kill  him  with  a  club.  Why  should  all  this 
trouble  have  been  taken  to  prevent  the  hounds 
and  the  huntsmen  from  reaching  the  flying  anise- 
seed  bag,  unless  it  was  that  the  huntsmen 
feared  to  risk  an  encounter  with  the  desperate 
animal  ? 


112  SHOOTING    STARS. 

This  sort  of  thing  cannot  go  on  indefinitely. 
Man's  dominion  over  the  animals  is  due  to  their 
consciousness  that  he  does  not  fear  them.  The 
smallest  puppy  will  attack  the  largest  man  if  the 
latter  shows  any  signs  of  fear.  The  anise-seed 
bags  will  soon  arrive  at  the  opinion  that  the  hunt- 
ers are  afraid  of  them,  and  will  then  introduce  a 
pleasing  variety  into  Long  Island  hunting.  We 
shall  witness  the  novel  spectacle  of  a  dozen  scarlet- 
clad  horsemen  and  a  pack  of  dogs  with  downcast 
tails  flying  across  the  country  with  a  score  of  anise- 
seed  bags  in  swift  pursuit.  The  mind  shudders  to 
think  what  the  consequences  would  be  should  the 
unfortunate  huntsmen  be  overtaken,  but  we  can- 
not shut  our  eyes  to  the  possibility  that  such  a 
catastrophe  may  occur. 

The  huntsmen  must  make  up  their  minds  to 
let  no  more  anise-seed  bags  escape.  At  the  end 
of  the  next  hunt  the  brush  of  the  dead  animal  must 
be  taken.  If  they  are  afraid  to  close  with  the 
anise-seed  bag  at  bay,  let  them  abandon  the  sport 
at  once.  If  they  are  not  afraid,  let  them  show  it 


LONG    ISLAND    HUNTING.  113 

by  bringing  home  the  brush  and  pads  of  the  next 
anise-seed  bag  that  is  driven  from  cover.  Their 
reputation  is  at  stake  and  it  rests  with  themselves 
to  redeem  it* 


MR.   SIMPKINS'   DOWNFALL. 

"A  /TAN  is  the  only  animal  that  wears  short  socks. 
-*-*-*-  This  is  not  only  a  more  accurate  definition 
than  any  hitherto  devised  by  scientific  persons,  but 
it  shows  the  inferiority  of  man  to  all  other  animals, 
and  ought  to  have  even  more  effect  in  humbling 
our  wicked  pride  than  has  the  famous  story  of  the 
little  girl  who  was  excessively  proud  of  her  silk 
dress  until  she  was  told  that  it  was  spun,  woven, 
cut  out,  made  up,  and  trimmed  by  a  loathsome 
worm. 

The  great  trouble  with  the  short  sock  is  that  it 
will  not  keep  its  place.  There  being  nothing  what- 
ever to  hold  it,  the  force  of  gravitation  necessarily 
drags  it  down  about  the  ankle.  This  causes  an 
amount  of  misery  which  is  appalling.  There  is  no 
man  who  can  feel  any  confidence  in  his  socks. 
Whether  he  is  walking  or  sitting,  he  knows  that 


MR.    SIMPKINS'    DOWNFALL.  115 

his  socks  are  slowly  but  surely  slipping  down. 
Garters  being  out  of  the  question,  since  the  short- 
ness of  the  sock  does  not  permit  a  garter  to  be 
placed  in  a  position  where  it  will  not  slip,  there  is 
absolutely  no  remedy  for  what  we  may  fairly  call 
the  giant  evil  of  the  age.  Pins  and  mucilage  have 
both  been  tried  by  desperate  men,  but  they  have 
proved  useless,  and  have  merely  added  to  the 
misery  of  the  user.  In  these  circumstances  there 
is  nothing  left  for  man  to  do  except  to  bear  the 
sock  in  silence,  or  to  boldly  cast  it  aside  and  adopt 
the  full-grown  stocking. 

The  latter  alternative  was  recently  chosen  by 
that  eloquent  but  unfortunate  clergyman,  Rev. 
CHARLES  SIMPKINS,  of  Westbridge,  Pennsylvania. 
Previous  to  the  catastrophe  which  lately  overtook 
him,  the  Church  did  not  possess  a  more  popular 
and  promising  young  clergyman.  He  could  repeat 
the  opening  exhortation  all  the  way  from  "  Dearly 
beloved  "  to  "  forgiveness  for  the  same,"  without 
once  pausing  for  breath,  and  it  has  been  asserted 
that  he  could  monotone  the  entire  Apostles'  Creed 


116  SHOOTING    STARS. 

while  breathing  only  three  times.  As  he  was  un- 
married, and  not  yet  twenty-seven  years  old,  he 
was  regarded  with  peculiar  reverence  by  the  un- 
married ladies  of  his  parish,  and  he  received  more 
annual  slippers  than  any  other  clergyman  in  the 
United  States. 

•Neatness  was  one  of  the  distinguishing  charac- 
teristics of  Mr.  SIMPKINS,  and  there  are  probably 
few  men  who  have  suffered  more  keenly  from  short 
socks.  When  walking  through  the  village,  he  was 
in  continual  dread  lest  his  socks  should  descend 
into  public  view,  and  even  while  preaching  his  most 
eloquent  sermons,  the  perspiration  would  gather  on 
his  brow  as  he  felt  that  one  of  his  socks  was 
gradually  slipping  down.  This  wore  upon  him  to 
that  extent  that  his  massive  intellect  threatened 
to  totter,  and  on  the  morning  of  the  eighty-first 
Sunday  after  Trinity  he  deliberately  paused,  after 
remarking  "here  endeth" — and  stooped  down  to 
repair  damages.  That  night  he  resolved  that 
vigorous  measures  must  be  taken,  and  he  accord- 
ingly wrote  a  confidential  letter  to  his  sister's 


MR.    SIMPKINS'    DOWNFALL.  117 

husband,  who  resided  in  this  city,  and  inclosed  the 
necessary  measurements.  Shortly  afterward  he 
received,  ostensibly  from  the  husband,  but  really 
from  the  affectionate  sister,  two  dozen  pair  of  Bal- 
briggan  hose,  together  with  a  pair  of  scarlet  elastics 
an  inch  in  width,  and  of  precisely  the  right  size. 

As  soon  as  Mr.  SIMPKINS  had  learned  by  re- 
peated experiment  how  to  wear  the  scarlet  appli- 
ances, his  spirit  began  to  rise.  He  was  no  longer 
a  prey  to  doubt  and  despair.  His  stockings  firmly 
kept  their  place,  and  he  felt  that  he  could  even 
attend  a  church  picnic  and  climb  over  a  fence  with- 
out fear  of  consequences.  Accordingly,  for  the 
first  time  during  his  residence  at  Westbridge,  he 
consented  to  attend  the  Sunday-school  picnic  of 
the  21st  of  October  last,  and  thereby  filled  with 
unutterable  delight  the  souls  of  all  the  unmarried 
teachers  of  the  church. 

Mr,  SIMPKINS,  being  free  from  care,  entered  into 
the  sports  of  the  picnic  with  great  zest,  and  the 
children  insisted  that  he,  together  with  their  teach- 
ers, should  take  part  in  a  game  of  blind-man's  buff. 


118  SHOOTING    STARS. 

The  request  was  acceded  to,  and  the  usual  running, 
laughing,  and  shrieking  followed.  It  was  while 
Mr.  SIMPKINS  was  fleeing,  in  company  with  six 
excited  teachers,  from  the  pursuit  of  a  blindfolded 
small  boy,  that  he  suddenly  noticed  that  one  of  his 
elastics  had  become  unclasped  and  had  fallen  to 
the  ground.  At  the  same  moment  it  was  perceived 
by  the  prettiest  of  the  teachers,  who  made  a  fran- 
tic effort  to  seize  it,  but  was  anticipated  by  the 
unhappy  clergyman.  It  was  bad  enough  for  him 
to  know  that  the  teacher  had  discovered  his  mis- 
fortune, but  what  was  his  horror  and  amazement 
when,  with  every  appearance  of  anger,  she  de- 
manded that  he  should  "  hand  her  that "  instantly. 
He  was  so  astonished  at  her  evident  desire  to 
make  sport  of  him  that  lie  did  not  deign  to  answer 
her,  but  put  the  disputed  article  in  his  pocket  and 
walked  away.  Whereupon  the  teacher  burst  into 
tears  and  informed  her  confidential  friends  that 
Mr.  SIMPKINS  had  had  the  inconceivable  audacity 
to  steal  one  of  her — in  fact,  her  private  property. 
The  scandal  spread  rapidly  and  widely,  and 


MR.    SIMPKINS'    DOWNFALL.  119 

grew  as  rapidly  as  it  spread.  At  the  end  of  half 
an  hour  every  lady  at  the  picnic  had  cut  the 
clergyman  in  the  most  marked  manner.  Burning 
with  shame  and  indignation,  he  forgot  to  repair 
the  deficiencies  of  his  toilet,  and  went  home  feel- 
ing rather  more  crestfallen  than  did  the  prophet 
DANIEL  when  he  found  that  the  lions  would  not 
recognize  his  existence.  It  was  not  until  he  was 
on  the  point  of  seeking  a  sleepless  pillow  that  he 
discovered  that  both  his  scarlet  elastics  were  in 
their  proper  place,  while  the  one  which  he  had 
picked  up  at  the  picnic  lay  on  his  table.  The  full 
horror  of  his  situation  flashed  upon  him.  The 
teacher  had  really  dropped  a  scarlet  elastic,  and 
he  had  seized  it  under  the  impression  that  it  was 
his  own. 

The  utter  hopelessness  of  ever  making  any 
satisfactory  explanation  of  the  affair  was  only  too 
apparent.  Early  the  next  morning  Mr.  SIMPKINS 
fled  from  Westbridge  a  ruined  man.  The  fatal 
articles  which  had  caused  his  downfall  he  left  be- 
hind him,  and  they  teach  with  mute  but  powerful 


120 


SHOOTING    STARS. 


eloquence  the   lesson   that  we   should   bear   the 

socks   we  have,   and  never  dream   of   flying   to 

stockings,  of  which  we  know  nothing  except  by 
hearsay. 


THE  SIX-BUTTON  PRINCIPLE. 

A  LTHOUGH  the  female  dress-reformers  always 
•4-A-  demonstrate  at  their  annual  conventions  that 
the  practice  of  supporting  stockings  by  what  are 
deliberately  termed  ligatures  insures  the  moral  and 
physical  ruin  of  the  sex,  no  successful  substitute 
for  the  denounced  article  of  dress  has  yet  been 
invented.  Certain  dress-reformers  have,  it  is  true, 
devised  a  system  of  halyards,  brails,  and  down- 
hauls,  which  they  assert  are  far  superior  to  the 
deadly  ligature,  but  the  intricacy  of  all  this  run- 
ning rigging,  and  the  difficulty  which  inexperienced 
persons  find  in  its  management,  have  prevented  it 
from  coming  into  use.  The  inexperienced  woman 
when  thus  rigged  is  very  apt  to  make  mistakes,  and 
to  find  herself  scudding  under  bare  poles,  in  conse- 
quence of  having  hauled  away  on  the  downhaul 
when  she  had  merely  intended  to  take  a  small  pull 
at  the  halyards.  Thus,  few  persons  except  dress- 
6 


122  SHOOTING    STARS. 

reformers  are  rigged  with  the  improved  stocking 
gear,  and  even  these  confess  that,  for  the  purpose 
of  catching  an  early  morning  train,  the  despised 
ligature  has  its  manifest  advantages. 

About  two  months  ago  the  ladies  of  three  con- 
tiguous counties  in  Pennsylvania  were  successively 
visited  by  a  slight,  graceful,  and  unassuming  young 
woman,  who  announced  that  she  was  the  agent  of  a 
"  Women's  Dress-Reform  Benevolent  Association," 
and  that  she  desired  to  call  their  attention  to  a  new 
invention  of  immense  hygienic  value.  The  new 
invention  consisted  of  the  application  of  the  six- 
button-glove  principle  to  hosiery.  Of  course,  this 
is  a  delicate  subject,  but,  in  the  interest  of  reform 
and  public  morality,  it  must  be  discussed.  It  is 
idle  for  us  to  ignore  the  existence  of  stockings,  and 
it  is  cowardly  to  shrink  from  performing  a  public 
duty  because  it  involves  an  allusion  to  a  delicate 
topic.  Let  us,  then,  go  boldly  forward  and  relate 
the  strange  conduct  of  the  unassuming  young 
woman,  as  reported  among  the  police  news  of  a 
Pennsylvania  paper. 


THE    SIX-BUTTON    PRINCIPLE.  123 

While  the  substitution  of  buttons  for  ligatures 
or  running  rigging  struck  the  ladies  of  the  three 
counties  as  an  admirable  invention,  the  amazing 
cheapness  with  which  the  agent  of  the  alleged  asso- 
ciation offered  to  sell  the  improved  garments  created 
immense  enthusiasm.  She  said  that  the  only  ob- 
ject of  the  association  was  to  do  good,  and  that  it 
was  therefore  prepared  to  sell  the  best  quality  of 
six-buttoned  goods  at  one-half  of  their  original  cost. 
In  confirmation  of  this  statement  she  submitted 
lithographic  copies  of  letters  from  President  HAYES, 
Mr.  TILDEN.  PETER  COOPER,  STANLEY  MATTHEWS,  and 
other  eminent  statesmen,  all  of  whom  asserted  that 
they  felt  that  the  introduction  of  six-buttoned 
hosiery  was  the  greatest  boon  which  could  be  con- 
ferred upon  the  women  of  America,  and  simul- 
taneously ordered  six  dozen  pairs  of  assorted  sizes 
to  be  sent  to  their  respective  addresses.  In  addi- 
tion to  these  letters,  the  agent  exhibited  a  sample 
of  the  garment  in  question,  which  appeared  to  be 
of  the  very  best  quality.  The  opportunity  was 
one  which  no  prudent  lady  could  permit  to  pass 


124  SHOOTING    STARS. 

unimproved,  and  nearly  every  one  to  whom  the 
agent  applied  ordered  at  least  half  a  dozen  pairs, 
to  be  paid  for  upon  delivery. 

There  was,  however,  one  little  preliminary 
which  the  agent-  insisted  was  indispensable,  if  she 
was  to  execute  her  orders  to  the  satisfaction  of  her 
customers.  The  human  mind  shrinks  from  men- 
tioning this  preliminary,  but  it  cannot  be  ignored. 
If  the  buttons  were  to  be  of  any  use,  they  must 
be  so  placed  in  relation  to  the  button-holes  that 
the  garment  would  be  neither  too  tight  nor  too 
loose.  Hence,  when  the  agent  produced  a  tape- 
measure  and  a  note-book,  her  view  of  the  matter 
was  at  once  conceded  to  be  correct,  and  the  agent's 
note-book  was  furnished  with  the  required  data. 
Thus,  that  unassuming  agent  went  from  house  to 
house  throughout  almost  the  whole  of  three  coun- 
ties, cheering  the  female  population  with  the  hope 
of  miraculously  cheap  and  beautiful  hosiery,  and 
filled  her  note-book  with  statistics.  Unfortunately, 
that  otherwise  astute  agent  drank  too  much  whisky 
at  the  last  town  which  she  visited,  and  being  ar- 


THE    SIX-BUTTON    PRINCIPLE.  125 

rested  for  disorderly  conduct,  confessed  that  she 
was  a  man. 

When  the  ladies  who  had  ordered  six-button 
hosiery  learned  the  truth  as  to  the  unassuming 
agent  and  the  fate  which  had  befallen  him,  they 
denounced  the  wretch  with  great  vigor,  and  were 
unanimously  of  the  opinion  that  a  combination  of 
wild  horses  and  red-hot  pincers  could  alone  do 
justice  to  him.  To  this  outburst  of  indignation 
succeeded  the  terrible  thought,  what  had  the  felon- 
ious agent  done  with  his  collection  of  statistics? 
Naturally,  this  thought  led  straight  to  hysterics,  and 
for  the  next  week  the  sale  of  sal  volatile  in  Central 
Pennsylvania  increased  to  an  unprecedented  extent. 

A  deputation  of  indignant  fathers  waited  upon 
the  inconceivable  villain  in  jail,  and  demanded  the 
immediate  destruction  of  his  note-book.  To  this 
request  he  declined  to  accede.  He  admitted  that 
his  pretended  association  did  not  exist,  and  that 
he  had  no  intention  of  executing  the  orders  which 
his  deceived  customers  had  given  him,  but  he  ex- 
plained that  he  was  an  earnest  reformer,  and  that 


126  SHOOTING    STARS. 

he  intended  to  publish  the  statistics  in  question, 
in  order  that  the  medical  fraternity  might  become 
convinced  of  the  blighting  effect  of  the  ordinary 
ligature.  Nothing  could  shake  his  determination. 
He  said  that  he  had  a  great  duty  to  perform,  and 
that  much  as  it  pained  him  to  grieve  anybody,  he 
must  perform  that  duty.  The  indignant  parents 

• 

left  his  cell  much  cast  down  in  spirits,  and  after 
vainly  applying  to  the  local  court  for  an  injunction 
forbidding  the  false  agent  to  publish  his  statistics, 
went  home  and  reported  their  failure  to  their  wives 
and  daughters. 

The  one  question  now  agitating  the  public  mind 
in  Pennsylvania  is  whether  that  wretched  felon 
will  really  publish  his  statistics.  The  contingency 
is  one  which  cannot  be  contemplated  without  a 
shudder ;  but  at  the  same  time,  it  is  possible  that 
there  is  more  or  less  merit  in  the  pretended  plan 
of  adapting  the  six-button-glove  principle  to  more 
esoteric  garments,  and  that  the  pretended  reformer 
has  really  solved  the  problem  with  which  profes- 
sional dress-reformers  have  proved  themselves  in- 
competent to  grapple. 


A  REMEDY  FOR  BRASS    INSTRUMENTS. 

~T~N  order  to  be  a  great  military  commander  it  is 
•*-  generally  conceded  that  a  certain  amount  of  in- 
difference to  human  suffering  is  requisite.  GRANT 
would  never  have  dealt  his  terrible  blows  at  the 
army  of  Gen.  LEE,  had  he  been  constantly  filled 
with  pity  for  the  tattered  and  battle-worn  Con- 
federates, and  our  President  could  hardly  have 
achieved  his  present  proud  position  as  the  great 
conciliator  of  the  age  had  his  heart  continued  to 
bleed  for  the  poor  negro  as  it  bled  before  the  elec- 
tion. A  like  callousness  of  heart  is  a  necessary 
characteristic  of  the  man  who  undertakes  to  learn 
to  play  upon  a  musical  instrument. 

The  sum  of  human  agony  caused  by  the  early 
efforts  of  players  upon  stringed,  reed,  and  brass  in- 
struments, is  incalculable,  and  it  is  noticeable  that 
wherever  musical  amateurs  abound  the  Universalist 


128  SHOOTING    STARS. 

faith  makes  no  progress,  and  the  Calvinistic  doc- 
trine, that  a  place  of  future  torment  is  a  moral 
necessity,  finds  multitudes  of  believers.  Many 
learned  commentators  have  discussed  the  nature  of 
the  insanity  under  which  King  SAUL  frequently 
suffered,  but  it  is  odd  that  no  one  has  perceived 
that  it  was  due  to  the  youthful  DAVID'S  persistent 
practice  upon  the  harp.  We  know  that  on  one 
occasion,  while  DAVID  was  playing  an  air,  which 
doubtless  closely  resembled  "  Silver  Threads 
Among  the  Gold,"  SAUL,  remarking  "  S'help  me 
Father  ABRAHAM,  this  is  too  much,"  flung  a  javelin 
at  the  musician  and  drove  him  away.  Doubtless, 
the  king  was  hasty,  but  let  us  remember  his  ex- 
treme provocation.  As  for  DAVID,  not  content  with 
having  already  killed  the  leading  Philistine  giant, 
he  went  and  played  the  harp  to  that  unhappy 
nation,  with  the  view  of  demoralizing  the  people  so 
that  he  could  make  an  easy  conquest  of  them  on 
coming  to  the  Israelitish  throne. 

While  the  javelin  is  probably  a  specific  for  all 
suffering  due  to  accordeons,  violins,  cornets,  and 


A    REMEDY    FOR    BRASS    INSTRUMENTS.        129 

flutes,  it  is  not  a  remedy  which  is  available  at  the 
present  day.  The  most  successful  mode  of  treat- 
ment which  has  been  devised  is  that  which  was 
recently  tried,  with  admirable  results,  in  the  case 
of  a  young  man  residing  in  a  Twenty-second  street 
boarding-house,  who  was  addicted  to  the  French 
Lorn ;  and  it  is  due  to  the  medical  profession  that 
the  history  of  the  case  should  be  briefly  given. 

The  young  man  in  question  occupied  the 
second-story  front  hall-bedroom.  He  was  appa- 
rently a  quiet  and  well-meaning  person,  but  under 
a  smooth  and  spotless  shirt-bosom  he  concealed  a 
heart  heedless  of  human  suffering.  It  would  not 
have  made  much  difference  where  he  concealed  his 
heart,  for  it  would  have  been  quite  as  callous  had 
he  kept  it  under  his  waistband,  or  inside  of  his  boot. 
That  he  preferred  to  learn  the  French  horn  rather 
than  any  other  and  more  common  instrument  of 
torture,  does  not  palliate  his  offense ;  for  although 
the  horn  lacks  the  ear-piercing  shrillness  of  the 
cornet,  its  tone  has  a  wonderfully  penetrating 
power,  and  is  to  the  last  degree  depressing  to  the 
G* 


130  SHOOTING    STARS. 

spirits.  Unfortunately,  he  was  free  from  those 
forms  of  vice  which  lead  young  men  to  spend  their 
evenings  elsewhere  than  in  their  rooms  and  to  lie 
in  bed  late  in  the  morning.  Moreover,  he  paid  his 
room  rent  in  advance  with  cold-blooded  punctuality. 
Hence,  although  he  rose  up  early  and  sat  up  late 
to  practice  the  horn,  his  landlady  could  not  make 
up  her  mind  either  to  request  him  to  leave  or  to 
hint  to  him,  by  the  discreet  method  of  helping  him 
exclusively  to  cold  coffee  and  bare  bones,  that  his 
presence  in  her  house  was  undesirable. 

The  man  who  begins  to  play  a  wind  instru- 
ment employs  the  most  of  his  time  in  what  may  be 
called  "  sighting  shots."  For  example,  when  this 
particular  young  man  desired  to  sound  B  flat,  it 
would  take  him  a  long  while  before  he  could  get  his 
elevation  and  his  wind-gauge  regulated.  He  would 
hit  three  or  four  notes  above  B  flat,  and  three  or 
four  notes  below  it,  a  score  of  times  before  he 
would  finally  make  a  bull's-eye.  Even  when,  after 
long  effort,  he  succeeded  in  hitting  the  desired  note, 
the  sound  produced  would  be  what  is  technically 


A    REMEDY    FOR    BRASS    INSTRUMENTS.        131 

called  a  "  blaat,"  or,  in  other  words,  an  uncertain, 
toneless,  and  most  unmusical  sound.  It  is  needless 
to  speak  of  the  effect  which  this  sort  of  thing  had 
upon  his  fellow-boarders.  At  the  end  of  two 
weeks  public  indignation  had  grown  to  that  extent 
that  it  was  seriously  proposed  to  melt  the  horn  and 
to  pour  the  metal  down  the  throat  of  the  player,  as 
a  warning  that  unless  he  promptly  reformed  he 
would  be  dealt  with  severely.  It  was  then  that  a 
homeopathic  physician  residing  in  the  house  called 
a  meeting  of  the  aggrieved  boarders  in  order  to 
propose  what  he  believed  would  prove  a  radical 
cure. 

After  describing  with  great  clearness  the  pain- 
ful symptoms  which  prolonged  practice  upon  the 
horn  develop  in  the  unfortunate  and  unwilling  lis- 
teners, and  unfolding  at  much  length  HAHNEMANN'S 
theory  of  cure,  he  asserted  that  in  order  to  success- 
fully combat  the  effects  of  horn-playing,  the  use  of 
other  instruments  which  produce  analogous  symp- 
toms was  clearly  indicated.  Hence,  he  proposed 
that  each  boarder  should  provide  himself  with  a 


132  SHOOTING    STARS. 

cornet,  a  violin,  an  accordeon,  a  flute,  or  a  drum, 
and  administer  these  remedies  whenever  any  symp- 
toms of  the  French  horn  wera  manifested.  Few  of 
the  boarders  believed  in  homeopathy,  but  they 
were  in  that  state  of  mind  in  which  men  clutch  at 
any  nostrum  which  promises  relief.  They  there- 
fore resolved  to  follow  the  doctor's  prescription, 
and  immediately  laid  in  a  full  supply  of  the  indi- 
cated instruments. 

The  next  evening  at  seven  o'clock  the  familiar 
gasp  of  the  horn  was  heard.  Instantly  it  was  fol- 
lowed by  the  screech  of  the  violin,  the  spasmodic 
choking  of  the  cornet,  the  drone  of  the  accordeon, 
the  wail  of  the  flute,  and  the  fierce  uproar  of  the 
drum.  In  two  minutes  a  crowd  was  collected  in 
the  street,  under  the  impression  that  a  large 
orchestra  was  rehearsing  WAGNER'S  "  Meister- 
singer,"  and  the  young  man  with  the  French  horn 
was  lying  on  the  floor  of  his  room  in  strong  con- 
vulsions. 

The  cure  was  complete.  Early  the  next  morn- 
ing the  French  horn  player  was  removed  to  a 


A    REMEDY    FOR    BRASS    INSTRUMENTS.        133 

lunatic  asylum,  where  he  still  remains.  He  is 
quiet  and  harmless,  but  he  believes  that  he  is  a 
remnant  of  the  wall  of  Jericho,  which  fell  down 
under  the  assault  of  the  Hebrew  trumpets,  and 
constantly  insists  that  Congress  should  make  an 
appropriation  to  repair  him  and  mount  him  with 
barbette  guns.  His  horn  has  vanished,  no  one 
knows  whither,  and  the  inmates  of  his  former 
boarding-house  are  contented  and  happy.  We  thus 
see  that  homeopathic  treatment  is  certain  to  cure 
brass  instrument  players,  and  we  may  be  reason- 
ably sure  that  it  would  prove  equally  efficacious  in 
cases  of  violin  and  accordeon  playing. 


SNORING. 

fTlHERE  is  a  wide  popular  misapprehension  as 
-*-  to  the  true  nature  of  snoring.  It  is  almost 
•universally  regarded  as  a  mere  weakness  of  the 
flesh,  whereas  it  is  really  a  crime,  and  should  be 
treated  as  such.  Instead  of  being  an  involuntary 
act,  it  is  a  willful  and  shameless  outrage.  It  is 
true  that  the  snorer  is  usually  a  person  who  lacks 
nervous  force  and  whose  physical  frame  not  being 
kept  in  constant  restraint,  becomes  limp  and  loose 
during  sleep  and  thus  readily  yields  to  the  tempta- 
tion to  snore.  The  drunkard  is  likewise  a  fickle 
and  irresolute  person,  who  is  unable  to  govern  his 
bodily  appetites,  but  we  do  not  accept  this  as  an 
excuse  for  drunkenness.  It  is  the  duty  of  every 
man  to  abstain  from  snoring,  no  matter  how 
strongly  he  may  be  tempted.  ST.  PAUL  remarked 
that  he  "  kept  his  body  under,"  or;  in  other  words, 


SNORING.  135 

that  he  did  not  permit  himself  to  snore,  and  every 
person  should  follow  his  example.  As  a  matter  of 
fact,  it  is  notorious  that  no  self-respecting  person 
is  ever  guilty  of  snoring.  Women  never  snore, 
except  in  those  rare  instances  where  age  has  dulled 
their  delicacy,  and  led  them  to  neglect  their  hair, 
and  to  wear  slippers  several  sizes  too  large  for 
them.  Such  women  occasionally  shock  their 
friends  by  snoring,  but  youth  and  beauty  never 
snore.  Among  men,  snoring  must  be  preceded 
by  a  loss  of  self-respect,  and  an  indifference  to  the 
feelings  of  others.  Weak  men  and  coarse  men 
may  snore,  but  no  great  and  good  man  ever 
mocked  the  calm  midnight  with  the  brawling  of  a 
brutal  nose. 

In  these  days  when  men  constantly  travel  in 
sleeping-cars,  some  efficacious  prescription  for  the 
prevention  and  cure  of  snoring  is  eagerly  desired. 
The  most  popular  remedy  for  the  end  in  question 
is  a  liberal  dose  of  soap — the  yellow  variety  being 
preferable — inserted  in  the  mouth  of  the  snorer. 
As  a  rule,  the  criminal  always  lies  on  his  back,  and 


136  SHOOTING    STARS. 

keeps  his  mouth  open.  If  a  wedge-shaped  piece 
of  soap,  of  about  the  size  of  a  piece  of  cheese,  or 
say  a  trifle  smaller  than  a  piece  of  chalk,  is  placed 
in  the  snorer's  mouth,  he  will  undergo  temporary 
strangulation,  and  then  sit  up  and  make  theological 
remarks.  The  trouble  with  this  remedy  is  that  it 
is  not  lasting  in  its  eifects.  The  snorer  who  is 
soaped  will  in  most  cases  resume  his  loathsome 
practice  as  soon  as  he  falls  asleep.  Of  course,  if 
he  be  killed,  his  snoring  is  permanently  cured,  but 
the  sickly  sentimentality  that  is  so  common  in  our 
day  renders  men  shamefully  loath  to  kill  even  the 
most  abandoned  snorer.  The  recent  treatment  to 
which  a  snorer  was  subjected  on  board  a  Union 
Pacific  sleeping-car  was  certainly  effective,  and 
may  afford  a  useful  hint  to  the  traveling  public, 
although  it  will  not,  perhaps,  prove  feasible  in  all 
circumstances.  The  train  was  bound  west,  and 
the  rear  sleeping-car  was  nearly  full.  At  the 
usual  hour  the  beds  were  made,  and  the  travelers 
climbed  into  them  with  comparatively  few  contu- 
sions. Precisely  half  an  hour  afterward  a  man  in 


SNORING.  137 

one  of  the  lower  berths  began  to  snore.  His  was 
not  the  brilliant,  brassy  snore  of  the  New  England 
nose,  but  the  heavy,  sonorous,  trombone-like  snore 
of  the  middle-aged  German.  In  range,  power,  and 
tone  it  was  unique,  and  it  instantly  awoke  the  en- 
tire company — several  of  the  passengers  being  im- 
pressed with  the  belief  that  a  collision  had  oc- 
curred, and  that  a  hostile  locomotive  had  entered 
the  car.  The  noise  was  endured  for  a  time,  with 
the  faint  hope  that  the  snorer  would  strangle  him- 
self, but  as  he  settled  down  to  a  uniform  rhythmic 
snore,  that  was  evidently  meant  to  last  all  night, 
it  was  felt  that  active  measures  were  imperatively 
needed. 

The  porter  was  found  and  bribed  to  shake  the 
snorer,  and  to  explain  to  him  that  his  conduct  was 
really  intolerable.  The  culprit  awoke  with  a  wild 
start,  made  a  few  feeble  remarks  in  German,  and 
then,  sinking  back  to  his  pillow,  recommenced  his 
refrain.  In  these  circumstances  it  was  plain  that 
the  only  hope  lay  in  keeping  him  awake  for  the 
rest  of  the  night,  and  a  stalwart  Texan,  nobly  offer- 


138  SHOOTING    STARS. 

ing  to  sacrifice  his  own  rest  for  the  benefit  of  the 
others,  was  detailed  to  constantly  prod  the  German 
with  a  stick.  Even  this  plan  proved  a  failure. 
The  snorer  could  not  be  thoroughly  aroused,  and 
the  only  effect  of  the  constant  insertion '  of  the 
stick  in  his  ribs  was  to  vary  the  character  of  his 
snore,  and  to  render  it  rather  worse  than  it 
had  been. 

By  this  time  the  passengers  were  convinced 
that  mild  measures  would  never  do.  A  vigilance 
committee  of  six  members  was  therefore  appointed, 
and  the  German,  who  was  a  small  man,  was  dragged 
from  his  bed  and  placed  on  the  wood-box  in  the 
rear  of  the  car.  He  was  now  thoroughly  awake, 
and  protested  with  great  vehemence  against  his 
treatment.  A  number  of  shawl-straps  were  pro- 
duced, and  he  was  firmly  fastened  to  a  staple,  and 
warned  that  if  he  indulged  in  any  further  language, 
or  ventured  to  fall  asleep  again,  he  would  be  taken 
apart  with  a  screw-driver  and  distributed  along  the 
track.  Although  he  was  an  obstinate  man,  he  did 
not  lack  discretion,  and  so  relapsed  into  silence. 


SNORING.  139 

Gradually  the  vigilance  committee  yielded  to  the 
desire  to  sleep,  and  at  eleven  o'clock  the  snorer 
was  left  in  sole  charge  of  the  noble  Texan.  At 
11:15  his  head  sank  on  his  bosom,  and  he  uttered 
a  prolonged  snore  that  jarred  the  very  frame-work 
of  the  car.  Grimly  the  Texan  produced  from  his 
valise  a  porous  plaster,  which  he  firmly  applied  to 
the  mouth  of  the  unhappy  wretch.  The  snoring 
ceased ;  a  few  convulsive  kicks  marred  the  varnish 
on  the  side  of  the  wood-box,  and  all  was  still.  In 
the  morning  the  corpse  was  removed  into  the 
baggage-car,  and  the  enthusiastic  passengers  made 
up  a  purse  of  three  hundred  dollars,  which,  to- 
gether with  a  beautifully  engraved  copy  of  laud- 
atory resolutions,  was  presented  to  the  ingenious 
Texan. 

It  thus  appears  that  a  porous  plaster  when 
applied  to  the  mouth  and  nose  of  a  snorer  will 
effect  a  permanent  cure.  The  only  objectionable 
feature  of  this  mode  of  treatment  consists  in  the 
difficulty  of  disposing  of  the  body.  In  a  city  like 
New  York,  the  meddlesome  interference  of  coroners 


140  SHOOTING    STARS. 

would  prove  troublesome.  Still,  it  is  something  to 
know  that  there  is  a  way  of  silencing  the  loudest 
snore,  and  at  the  same  time  doing  something  like 
justice  to  the  wretched  victim,  of  an  atrocious  and 
wholly  inexcusable  vice. 


THE   BAFFLED   BOY. 

A  CCORDING  to  the  best  scientific  authorities 
T-^"  the  small-boy  becomes  a  boy  at  the  age  of 
sixteen.  At  that  age  he  ought  to  put  away  small- 
boyish  things,  and  to  put  on  the  bashful  awkward- 
ness of  semi-intelligent  boyhood.  At  all  events,  he 
ought  to  know  that  his  presence  is  not  desired  by 
young  men  who  come  to  see  his  sister.  We  do  not 
expect  this  amount  of  intelligence  in  the  small-boy, 
and  it  is  often  necessary  to  bribe  him  with  candy 
or  to  persuade  him  with  clubs  before  he  will  con- 
sent to  treat  his  sister  with  common  humanity ; 
but  the  sixteen-year-old  boy  usually  perceives 
when  an  area  of  courting,  accompanied  with  gradu- 
ally increasing  pressure  in  the  region  of  the  waist 
and  marked  depression  of  the  parlor  gas,  is  about 
to  set  in,  and  thereupon  discreetly,  even  if  sneer- 
ingly,  withdraws. 


142  SHOOTING    STARS. 

Master  HENRY  T.  JOHNSON,  of  Warrensburg,  Il- 
linois, is  a  boy  who  has  just  reached  the  period  of 
boyhood,  and  who  is  remarkably  clever  in  the  in- 
vention of  traps.  If  you  were  to  ask  him  to  make 
you  any  variety  of  trap,  from  a  rat-trap  to  a  man- 
trap, he  would  satisfy  your  demand  with  prompt- 
ness and  skill.  His  father's  premises,  both  in 
doors  and  out,  are  infested  with  traps,  and  there  is 
no  style  of  animal  inhabiting  Warrensburg  that  has 
not  been  caught  in  one  or  another  of  these  traps. 
On  one  morning,  early  in  January,  it  is  confidently 
asserted  that  no  less  than  two  cats,  a  tramp,  a  small 
dog,  six  chickens,  and  three  small-boys  were  found 
in  Mr.  JOHNSON'S  yard  in  the  close  embrace  of  a  cor- 
responding number  of  traps.  The  truth  is  the  boy 
has  real  mechanical  genius,  and  it  is  a  great  pity 
that  he  is  totally  lacking  in  modesty  and  a  regard 
for  the  rights  of  others. 

Last  fall  a  young  man  who  had  met  Master 
JOHNSON'S  sister  at  a  picnic  and  escorted  her  home, 
was  seized  with  a  great  admiration  of  Master 
JOHNSON'S  traps,  and  evinced  a  great  fondness  for 


THE    BAFFLED    BOY.  143 

that  ingenious  boy's  society.  In  fact,  he  engaged 
the  boy  to  give  him  a  series  of  lessons  in  trap- 
making,  and  seemed  to  throw  his  whole  soul  into 
rat-traps.  Gradually  this  passion  began  to  fade, 
and  the  young  man,  instead  of  studying  traps  in 
the  back  yard,  formed  the  habit  of  resting  himself 
— as  he  called  it — in  the  parlor  with  Master  JOHN- 
SON'S  sister.  The  boy,  of  course,  could  not  consent 
to  hurt  his  friend's  feelings  by  abandoning  him  to 
the  society  of  a  mere  girl,  and,  therefore,  followed 
him  into  the  parlor,  and  monopolized  the  conversa- 
tion. After  a  time  the  young  man  openly  aban- 
doned traps,  and  only  visited  the  house  in  the 
evenings ;  but  Master  JOHNSON:,  mindful  of  the  laws 
of  hospitality,  always  spent  the  evenings  in  the 
parlor,  and  more  than  once  apologized  to  his  friend 
for  the  silence  and  general  uselessness  of  his  sister. 
His  astonishment,  when  on  one  eventful  evening 
the  young  man,  with  the  full  approbation  of  his 
sister,  deliberately  told  him  to  "  get  out,"  and  in- 
formed him  that  if  he  had  not  sense  enough  to  know 
that  he  was  a  nuisance,  he  would  try  to  knock 


144  SHOOTING    STARS. 

sense  into  him  with  a  base-ball  club,  cannot  be  ex- 
pressed in  words.  Not  only  did  he  wonder  at  the 
unscientific  idea  that  sense  can  be  imparted  with  a 
base-ball  club,  but  he  could  not  comprehend  the 
young  man's  sudden  dislike  of  his  once-courted 
society.  However,  he  promptly  withdrew,  and 
devoted  himself  to  schemes  of  swift  and  deadly 
vengeance. 

For  the  next  week  Master  JOHNSON  spent  a 
large  part  of  his  time  in  the  parlor  with  the  doors 
locked,  alleging  that  he  was  perfecting  a  new  in- 
vention, and  that  his  intellect  could  not  work  ex- 
cept in  quiet  and  seclusion.  Strange  as  it  may 
appear,  he  told  the  truth.  He  was  perfecting  a 
new  kind  of  trap  intended  for  the  benefit  of  the 
rude  young  man  and  of  his  unnatural  sister.  The 
former  was  accustomed  to  sit  in  a  large  easy-chair 
and  the  latter  in  a  small  and  fragile  rocking-chair 

\D  CJ 

on  the  opposite  side  of  the  room.  To  each  of  these 
chairs  the  boy  affixed  a  most  ingenious  trap,  which 
was  concealed  underneath  the  seat,  and  was  so 
contrived  as  to  be  sprung  by  the  weight  of  any 


THE    BAFFLED    BOY.  145 

person  who  might  sit  in  the  chair.  If  the  young 
man,  for  example,  were  to  sit  down  in  his  accus- 
tomed chair,  he  would  be  instantly  clasped  around 
the  waist  by  a  pair  of  iron  arms,  while  two  other 
iron  clasps  would  seize  him  by  the  ankles.  A  like 
result  would  follow  any  attempt  of  the  sister  to 
seat  herself  in  the  rocking-chair,  and  it  was  Master 
JOHNSON'S  intention,  after  having  caught  his  game, 
to  leave  them  for  an  hour  or  two  in  close  confine- 
ment, and  to  then  read  them  a  severe  lecture  upon 
their  rudeness. 

The  young  man  was  due  on  the  next  Saturday 
evening,  and  Master  JOHNSON  set  his  new  traps  at 
precisely  7:35  P.  M.  At  8:40  the  young  man 
arrived,  and  Master  JOHNSON  ostentatiously  marched 
out  of  the  front  gate  just  as  the  young  man  rang 
the  front-door  bell.  An  hour  passed,  and  the  re- 
vengeful boy  returned  and  listened  at  the  parlor- 
door,  expecting  to  hear  low  wails  of  agony.  On 
the  contrary,  he  heard  what  seemed  to  him  the 
outward  expressions  of  much  contentment  on  the 
part  of  the  young  man,  and  he  thereupon  entered 
7 


146  SHOOTING    STARS. 

X 

the   room  full  of  fear  lest  his  revenge  had  mis- 
carried. 

He  found  that  the  trap  which  he  had  set  for  the 
rude  young  man  had  fulfilled  its  mission,  and  that 
he  was  held  in  the  firm  embrace  of  the  iron  bands. 
To  his  unutterable  surprise,  his  sister  was  also 
caught  although  her  particular  trap  was  unsprung 
and  her  chair  unoccupied.  One  pair  of  iron  arms 
clasped  both  the  victims,  and  one  male  and  one 
female  ankle  were  held  in  close  confinement.  As 
the  astonished  boy  entered  his  sister  faintly  strug- 
gled, but  soon  resigned  herself  with  Christian  pa- 
tience to  her  bonds,  while  the  shameless  young 
man  pleasantly  remarked,  "  Thank  you,  HAKRY  ! 
this  trap  is  worth  all  the  others  you  ever  made, 
and  we  wouldn't  be  let  out  of  it  for  more  than  six 
million  dollars."  Master  HARRY  listened  to  these 
taunting  words ;  listened  also  to  a  renewal  of  the 
sounds  that  he  had  accurately  interpreted  as  evi- 
dence of  contentment,  and  then  angrily  opening 
the  trap  and  smashing  it  to  pieces,  withdrew  to 
weep  in  solitude  over  the  failure  of  his  revenge. 


THE     BAFFLED    BOY.  147 

This  shows  that  wickedness  often  overreaches 
itself,  and  that  to  set  two  distinct  traps  for  one's 
sister  and  her  private  young  man  is  as  useless  as 
was  the  superfluous  hole  which  Sir  ISAAC  NEWTON 
cut  for  the  kitten,  he  having  previously  cut  a  larger 
one  for  the  cat. 


CARTHAGINIAN  PIRATES. 

town  of  Carthage,  Mo.,  was  lately  sur- 
-*-    prised  by  the  disappearance  of  two  local  small- 
boys,  but  the   pleasure  which  this  disappearance 
naturally  excited  was  marred  by  the  fact  that  two 
small  girls  also  disappeared.     The  small-boys  were 
thirteen  and  fourteen  years  of  age  respectively,  and 
were  thus  too  old  to  be  kidnapped  and  too  young 
to  be  killed  in  any  "  difficulty  "  or  aflair  of  honor. 
Although,  of  course,  Carthage  did  not  want  to  re- 
cover the  missing  small-boys,  the  missing  girls  were 
considered  sufficiently  valuable   to  be  sought   for 
with  carefulness  and  dogs.     For  a  whole  week  the 
search  was  fruitless,  and  had  not  one  of  the  small- 
boys  weakly  confided   in  another  small-boy,  who 
betrayed  him,  Carthage  would  still  be  mourning  its 
missing  children.     The  story  of  their  disappearance 
has  a  fine  flavor  of  romance,  and  will  be  of  interest 
to  all  who  have  felt  a  youthful  yearning  for  piracy. 


CARTHAGINIAN    PIRATES.  149 

JAMES  and  HENRY,  the  two  erratic  young  Cartha- 
ginians, were  violently  in  love  with  two  contempo- 
raneous small  girls.  They  had  full  reason  to  know 
that  their  love  was  returned,  and  they  confided  to 
each  other  their  hopes  and  fears.  Up  to  a  certain 
point  the  course  of  their  true  loves  ran  smoothly. 
They  met  the  girls  daily  at  school,  and  presented 
them  with  apples,  slate-pencils,  and  other  pledges 
of  affection.  They  were  not,  however,  permitted 
to  call  upon  their  beloved  objects  at  the  respective 
homes  of  the  latter,  under  penalty  of  being  hooted 
at  by  cold  and  brutal  small-boys,  who  had  never 
felt  the  sacred  flame,  and  who  held  that  a  small- 
hoy  could  not  play  with  a  girl  without  a  serious 
loss  of  dignity.  Of  course,  they  yearned  for  the 
uninterrupted  society  of  the  loved  ones,  and  after 
much  consultation  they  decided  that  the  easiest 
way  in  which  to  attain  this  object  would  be  to  seize 
upon  their  brides,  to  make  their  way  to  the  Span- 
ish Main,  and  to  enter  upon  a  career  of  piracy. 
At  first  the  question  which  one  should  assume  com- 
mand of  the  proposed  piratical  schooner  was  dis- 


150  .      SHOOTING     STARS. 

cussed  with  a  warmth  that  threatened  to  wreck 
the  entire  scheme,  but  it  was  finally  agreed  that 
the  command  should  be  given  to  JAMES,  but  that 
the  first  prize  captured  should  be  placed  under  the 
independent  command  of  HENRY,  and  that  he  should 
at  the  same  time  be  presented  with  a  two-bladed 
pen-knife  and  a  set  of  jack-stones. 

This  important  preliminary  being  arranged,  a 
night  was  fixed  upon  for  the  intended  elopement, 
and  half  a  pound  of  molasses  candy,  four  apples, 
and  a  set  of  chessmen  were  laid  in  by  way  of  sup- 
plies. Each  small-boy  armed  himself  with  a  stout 
stick,  and  JAMES  also  carried  a  pistol,  the  efficiency 
of  which  was  somewhat  impaired  by  the  absence 
of  ammunition,  and  the  fact  that  the  pistol  had  no 
hammer.  In  the  dead  of  night,  or  to  be  precise,  at 
7:15  in  the  evening,  the  two  girls  stealthily  met 
their  lovers  by  appointment,  behind  the  barn,  and 
after  exchanging  a  few  rapturous  endearments, 
started  for  the  Spanish  Main.  For  obvious  reasons, 
they  preferrred  the  short  cut  through  the  fields  ra- 
ther than  the  turnpike,  and  after  two  hours  of  easy 


CARTHAGINIAN    PIRATES.  151 

marching  they  reached  a  solitary  haystack  four 
miles  from  the  town,  and  in  close  proximity  to  an 
orchard.  Here  they  halted  for  the  night,  and  ex- 
cavating niches  in  the  hay,  made  themselves  com- 
paratively comfortable.  In  fact,  they  would  have 
been  very  comfortable  had  not  Capt.  JAMES  thought 
it  necessary  to  smoke  a  cigar  in  order  to  keep  up 
his  reputation  as  a  bold  and  hardened  pirate.  The 
cigar  made  him  dreadfully  sick,  and  his  compan- 
ions were  naturally  somewhat  cast  down  at  the 
sight  of  their  commander  hovering  for  hours  on  the 
very  confines  of  the  basin.  Of  course,  there  was 
no  actual  basin  in  the  camp,  but  if  there  had  been, 
the  gallant  pirate  would  have  hovered  over  it  to  a 
very  great  extent. 

It  is  sad  to  be  compelled  to  mention  that  piti- 
less nature,  instead  of  smiling  on  these  preposter- 
ous little  pirates,  rained  on  them  for  six  consecu- 
tive da}'s,  confining  them  closely  to  the  friendly 
haystack.  Marching  in  the  rain  was  not  to  be 
thought  of,  for  although  the  small-boys  calculated 
that  they  could  reach  the  Spanish  Main  in  two 


152  SHOOTING    STARS. 

days,  in  spite  of  the  weather,  they  could  not  ask 
their  delicate  brides,  who  had  neither  umbrellas 
nor  overshoes,  to  brave  the  fury  of  the  elements. 
In  these  circumstances  provisions  soon  became 
scarce.  Apples  were  abundant,  but  apples,  when 
eaten  without  other  food,  pall  upon  the  appetite 
after  two  or  three  days.  The  energetic  Captain 
JAMES  led  a  gallant  cutting-out  expedition  on  a 
neighboring  chicken-coop  and  captured  a  hen ;  but 
owing  to  the  absence  of  matches,  the  hen  could 
not  be  cooked.  Finally,  the  Captain  secretly  re- 
turned to  town  in  search  of  provisions,  and  revealed 
the  location  of  the  haystack  to  a  heartless  small- 
boy  who  promptly  conveyed  the  information  to  the 
Captain's  father.  A  company  of  coarse,  prosaic 
men  thereupon  captured  the  entire  expedition,  and 
the  two  pirates  expiated  in  their  respective  wood- 
sheds their  unholy  longing  for  the  Spanish  Main. 
Bereft  of  their  brides,  and  placed  under  strict  sur- 
veillance, they  are  now  undergoing  grinding  tor- 
ments, and  it  is  feared  that,  thwarted  in  their  prac- 
tical aspirations,  they  will  become  reckless,  and 


CARTHAGINIAN    PIRATES.  153 

grow  up  to  be  savings  bank  presidents  or  life  in- 
surance officers. 

What  is  remarkable  is  the  fact  that  in  spite  of 
a  week  spent  in  a  damp  haystack  without  any  food 
but  apples,  not  one  member  of  the  expedition 
wanted  to  go  home.  Both  the  girls  and  their 
piratical  lovers  were  thoroughly  happy,  and  pro- 
tested against  being  dragged  back  to  Carthage. 
There  are  few  grown  people  whose  ardor  would 
outlast  a  week  of  wet  and  hunger,  and  the  happi- 
ness of  the  pirates  and  their  brides  may  well  be 
envied  by  older  and  wiser  lovers. 


TOO   MUCH   CABBAGE. 

donation  party  is  a  shrewd  device  on  the 
-*-  part  of  thrifty  church-goers  to  compound  for 
their  failure  to  pay  their  minister  a  proper  salary 
by  giving  him  a  collection  of  bulky  and  cheap 
articles  which  he  does  not  want.  Still,  upon  the 
broad  principle  that  something  is  better  than 
nothing,  the  impecunious  minister  clings  to  the 
donation  party,  and  cheerfully  hopes  that  the  day 
will  come  when  his  parishioners  will  cease  to  be- 
lieve that  a  full-grown  minister  and  a  growing 
family  can  subsist  exclusively  upon  beans  and  pen- 
wipers. In  its  inception,  the  donation  party  was, 
of  course,  a  voluntary  affair ;  but  in  many  places 
it  is  now  as  regular  and  inevitable  as  Christmas. 
Occasionally  a  congregation  endeavors  to  let  the 
season  pass  by  unnoticed,  but  in  most  cases  the 
minister  boldly  meets  the  emergency  by  announcing 


TOO    MUCH    CABBAGE.  155 

from  the  pulpit  that  "  the  annual  visit  to  the  pas- 
tor "  will  take  place  on  such  a  day  ;  whereupon  the 
congregation  meekly  collects  its  beans  and  pen- 
wipers, and  testifies  in  the  usual  manner  its  love 
for  its  pastor. 

The  donation  party  is  a  very  depressing  affair. 
When  people  who  do  not  want  to  give  away  any- 
thing, give  to  their  pastor  things  which  he  does  not 
want,  the  ceremony  does  not  promote  hilarity.  In 
order  to  render  the  donation  party  somewhat  less 
gloomy  than  a  funeral  those  who  bring  gifts  usually 
include  among  them  a  supply  of  cake,  sandwiches, 
and  in  some  cases  ice-cream.  These  refreshments 
are  distributed  in  equal  proportion  between  the  in- 
terior of  the  visitors  and  the  exterior  of  the  minis- 
ter's carpets  and  chair-cushions,  and  a  hollow  pre- 
tence of  cheerfulness  is  thus  kept  up.  Meanwhile, 
all  the  children  of  the  congregation  retire  to  the 
second-story  front  bed-room,  where  they  play  va- 
rious games  and  break  a  good  deal  of  furniture. 
The  children  have  much  the  best  of  the  whole 
affair,  and  they  add  materially  to  the  anguish  of 


156  SHOOTING    STARS. 

the  minister's  wife,  as  she  wonders  how  many  of 
them  will  fall  against  the  stove,  and  whether  they 
will  set  the  house  on  fire  when  they  upset  the 
lamp. 

The  peculiar  character  of  Rev.  Mr.  WILCOX'S 
recent  donation  party  and  the  unfortunate  results 
which  followed  it,  were  due  solely  to  his  small-boy's 
disgust  at  being  forbidden  to  take  part  in  the 
juvenile  cake  orgies  of  the  party.  A  week  before 
the  date  fixed  for  the  annual  visit  to  the  pastor, 
this  small-boy  had  been  detected  in  the  act  of 
creeping  into  his  bedroom  window  at  midnight,  after 
a  secret  visit  to  the  circus.  The  ensuing  interview 
with  his  father  did  not  materially  depress  his 
spirits,  since  he  took  the  precaution  to  plate  the 
vital  portion  of  his  trousers  with  concealed  shingles, 
but  when  he  was  sternly  told  that,  as  a  further 
penalty,  he  would  be  put  to  bed  at  precisely  six 
o'clock  on  the  night  of  the  donation  party,  he  felt 
that  his  punishment  was  inhuman,  and  resolved  to 
be  revenged. 

During  the  next  six  days  that  astute  but  fear- 


TOO    MUCH    CABBAGE.  157 

fully  depraved  small-boy  called  upon  every  one  of 
his  father's  parishioners,  and  first  pledging  them  to 
secrecy,  explained,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  his 
dear  father  was  passionately  fond  of  cabbages,  and 
if  any  one  desired  to  gladden  the  parental  heart 
they  would  bring  a  few  cabbages  to  the  donation 
party.  The  small-boy  further  asserted  that  his 
father's  sense  of  delicacy  forbade  him  to  make  the 
most  distant  allusion  to  cabbages,  but  that  as  an 
affectionate  son,  he — the  small-boy — felt  it  to  be 
his  duty  to  mention  the  matter  to  some  noble  and 
generous  man.  Each  parishioner  was  delighted  by 
this  display  of  filial  affection  and  the  recollection 
that  cabbages  were  extremely  cheap,  and  unhesitat- 
ingly promised  that  he  would  bring  a  whole  load 
of  cabbages. 

The  night  of  the  donation  party  arrived,  and 
the  small-boy  went  to  bed  but  not  to  sleep.  With 
much  forethought  he  had  stolen  the  key  of  his 
bedroom,  and  thus  rendered  it  impossible  for  his 
father  to  keep  him  a  close  prisoner.  Each  parish- 
ioner arrived  in  a  large  farm  wagon,  which,  after 


158  SHOOTING    STARS. 

having  discharged  its  human  freight  at  the  front 
door  was  driven  into  the  yard.  The  minister  and 
his  wife  did  not,  of  course,  know  the  contents  of 
the  wagons,  but  supposing  that  the  popular  feeling 
was  expressing  itself  to  an  unprecedented  extent 
in  wood,  flour-barrels,  and  winter  apples,  were 
greatly  delighted.  At  8:30  sixty-three  wagons  had 
entered  the  yard,  and  only  three  pecks  of  beans 
and  eleven  pen-wipers  had  been  deposited  on  the 
parlor  table.  The  happy  minister  was  beginning 
to  think  that  at  least  twenty  cords  of  wood,  to- 
gether with  say  a  dozen  barrels  of  flour,  must  have 
been  delivered  in  the  back  yard,  when  suddenly 
his  small-boy,  confident  that  he  would  not  be  pun- 
ished in  public,  entered  the  parlor  and  exclaimed 
in  an  exulting  tone :  "  Father,  there's  morenamil- 
lion  loads  of  cabbage  out-doors."  At  this  moment 
the  sixty-fourth  wagon  arrived,  and  the  owner, 
Deacon  Lyman,  put  his  head  in  the  front  door  and 
remarked  that  he  "  had  brought  a  few  cabbages, 
but  see'n  as  the  yard  was  chock  full,  he  calculated 


TOO    MUCH     CABBAGE.  159 

he  might  as  well  dump  them  under  the  front  win- 
dows." 

The  alarmed  minister  went  out  hastily,  and 
beheld  a  mountain  of  cabbages.  There  was  not  a 
stick  of  wood,  nor  a  barrel  of  flour,  nor  a  bushel 
of  apples  in  sight.  Sixty -three  full  loads  of  cab- 
bnges  were  piled  up  nearly  to  the  second-story 
windows  of  the  parsonage,  and  Deacon  Lyman  was 
just  about  to  add  his  contingent  to  the  pile.  With 
a  stern  and  angry  countenance  Mr.  Wilcox  went 
back  to  his  parlor,  and  coldly  informing  his  guests 
that  to  make  a  jest  of  sacred  things  in  his  own 
back  yard  was  an  insult  which  he  could  not  par- 
don, bade  them  good-night  and  withdrew  to  the 
recesses  of  a  back  bedroom.  The  guests,  in  their 
turn  filled  with  indignation  at  his  apparent  ingrati- 
tude and  rudeness,  went  to  their  homes  and  de- 
termined to  change  their  minister  at  the  earliest 
opportunity,  and  the  depraved  small- boy,  after 
gorging  himself  with  cake,  went  chuckling  to  his 
room  and  stood  on  his  head  in  ecstatic  bliss.  The 
cabbages  have  since  been  sold  at  three  cents  per 


160  SHOOTING    STARS. 

dozen,  the  minister  has  resigned  his  charge,  and 
the  small-boy,  having  too  late  perceived  the  ruin 
he  had  wrought,  is  now  earnestly  hoping  that  the 
doctrine  of  Universalism  may  be  true. 


VERY  POPULAR   SCIENCE. 

OF  late  years  there  has  grown  up  a  large  de- 
mand for  what  is  called  "  popular  science," 
or,  in  other  words,  a  presentation  of  the  facts  of 
science  in  terms  intelligible  to  the  uncultured  pub- 
lic. Scores  of  lecturers  and  hundreds  of  writers 
have  endeavored,  with  more  or  less  success,  to 
popularize  science,  and  their  labors  have  been 
warmly  appreciated.  As  a  result,  almost  every 
man  who  knows  how  to  read  knows  that  the  sun  is 
some  distance  from  the  earth ;  that  the  cold  of 
winter  is  caused  by  a  diminution  of  heat ;  that  the 
earth  and  most  of  the  South  American  Republics 
complete  one  revolution  every  year,  together  with 
various  other  interesting  scientific  facts.  It  is  re- 
markable, however,  that  in  spite  of  all  that  has 
been  said  upon  the  subject,  the  new  doctrine  in 
regard  to  heat  is  yet  very  far  from  being  generally 


162  SHOOTING    STARS. 

comprehended.  When  scientific  persons  taught 
that  heat  was  an  invisible  substance,  the  presence 
of  which  in  any  given  object  made  it  warm,  while 
its  absence  made  the  same  object  cold,  there  was 
no  difficulty  in  understanding  the  matter.  Now, 
however,  when  people  are  told  that  this  theory  is 
all  wrong,  and  that  heat  is  a  mode  of  motion,  they 
fail  to  understand  what  is  meant,  There  is  so 
much  ignorance  and  misapprehension  in  regard  to 
this  subject  that  a  familiar  and  lucid  exposition  of 
the  true  theory  of  heat  ought  to  be  generally  useful 
and  acceptable  to  our  readers. 

Heat  is  a  mode  of  motion.  In  order  to  under- 
stand this  definition  we  must  know  what  motion  is, 
and  according  to  the  best  authorities  motion  is  a 
correlative  of  heat.  To  make  the  matter  clearer 
to  the  Western  mind  it  may  be  said  that  motion  is 
a  sort  of  interconvertible  currency  that  can  be  al- 
ways exchanged  for  heat,  while,  in  its  turn,  heat  can 
be  converted  into  motion.  Having  thus  shown  in  the 
clearest  possible  manner  what  heat  is,  we  can  proceed 
to  prove  the  truth  of  the  definition  by  experiments. 


VERT    POPULAR    SCIENCE.  163 

Friction,  it  will  be  conceded,  is  motion,  and  it 
infallibly  produces  heat  if  it  is  kept  up  long  enough. 
Thus,  if  we  take  a  scientific  person  and  rub  his 
hair  with  great  violence,  we  produce  a  brilliant  dis- 
play of  heated  temper.  In  this  case,  just  as  in  the 
more  familiar  and  less  scientific  experiment  of  rub- 
bing a  match  on  the  wall,  motion  is  converted  into 
heat.  The  law  illustrated  by  this  experiment  is 
universal  and  admits  of  no  exceptions.  If  you 
take  a  slab  of  water,  say  two  inches  thick,  six 
inches  wide  and  a  foot  long,  and  placing  it  on  a 
common  dining-table,  rub  it  vigorously  with  sand- 
paper, it  will  ultimately  be  brought  to  the  boiling 
point,  or  in  other  words  the  motion  of  the  sand- 
paper over  its  surface  will  be  converted  into  heat. 
In  like  manner,  the  human  boot,  if  brushed  long 
enough,  will  be  calcined  with  the  heat  set  free  by 
the  movement  of  the  brush,  to  such  an  extent  that 
it  will  be  undistinguishable  from  the  beefsteak  of 
commerce  which  is  familiar  to  the  inmates  of  an 
American  boarding-house.  An  unlimited  number 
of  experiments  of  the  same  general  nature  may  be 


164  SHOOTING    STARS. 

tried,  with  a  uniform  result.  Thus,  we  see  that  the 
mode  of  motion  called  friction  is  always  convertible 
into  heat,  just  as  a  Western  debtor  is  convertible 
into  an  advocate  of  the  Silver  bill. 

There  is  another  class  of  experiments  which 
shows  that  motion,  when  suddenly  arrested,  is  in- 
stantaneously changed  into  heat.  If  a  cannon  ball 
strikes  an  iron  target,  the  latter  immediately  be- 
comes hot.  In  fact,  a  blow  always  produces  heat, 
or,  in  other  words,  the  motion  inseparable  from  a 
blow  is  always  converted  into  heat.  The  experi- 
ments which  illustrate  this  are  of  exceptional  inter- 
est. If  you  take  a  cold  foot,  whether  your  own  or 
some  one  else's — though  this  experiment  is  more 
conclusive  if  the  foot  is  your  own — and  strike  it  a 
series  of  heavy  blows  with  a  large  hammer  or  the 
back  of  an  axe,  the  foot  will  become  warm.  Of 
course,  a  single  blow  may  not  develop  a  very  ap- 
preciable amount  of  heat,  but  if  the  experiment  is 
continued  for  some  time,  and  the  hammer  or  axe  is 
used  vigorously,  the  foot  will  soon  cease  to  feel  cold. 
A  similar  experiment  is  often  tried  by  a  school- 


VERY    POPULAR    SCIENCE.  165 

teacher  with  the  aid  of  a  small-boy  and  a  club. 
When  the  latter  is  applied  to  the  former  with  force 
and  rapidity,  the  boy  becomes  thoroughly  warm — 
whence  we  have  the  popular  juvenile  expression 
descriptive  of  this  kind  of  experiment, "  the  teacher 
just  everlastingly  warmed  him,  you  bet "  ! 

The  important  fact  that  heat  is  developed  by 
suddenly  arrested  motion  might  be  applied  to  vari- 
ous useful  purposes  were  it  generally  known. 
Eggs  can  be  cooked  without  fire  simply  by  pound- 
ing them  with  a  hammer  until  sufficient  heat  is 
developed  to  fry  them  nicely.  Furnaces,  grates, 
and  stoves  could  be  dispensed  with  were  the  mem- 
bers of  every  family  to  provide  themselves  with  the 
old-fashioned  flails  formerly  in  use  among  farmers, 
and  to  thrash  one  another,  together  with  the  walls 
and  furniture  of  their  houses,  until  the  thermometer 
should  indicate  a  pleasant  and  healthful  tempera- 
ture. In  fact,  if  you  have  motion  enough,  you  can 
produce  any  amount  of  heat,  or  if  you  have  heat 
enough,  you  can  produce  any  amount  of  motion ; 
of  which  latter  fact  the  familiar  experiment  of  kin- 


166  SHOOTING   -STARS. 

dling  a  straw  fire  under  a  balky  horse  affords  a  con- 
vincing illustration. 

Had  Professor  TYNDALL  and  his  fellow-lecturers 
presented  the  new  theory  of  heat  in  a  clear  and  in- 
telligible way,  it  would  not  have  been  necessary  to 
thus  put  them  to  the  blush.  Still,  it  is  unendurable 
that  the  public  should  be  ignorant  of  the  grand 
doctrine  of  the  correlation  of  forces,  and  the  scien- 
tific persons  ought  not  to  feel  jealous  if  our  explana- 
tion leaves  them  nothing  further  to  explain. 


A  SLEIGHING  TRAGEDY. 

"A  /TR.  JOHNSTON,  of  North  Lyme,  Connecti- 
-L-V-L  cut,  is  an  upright  man,  and  in  many  re- 
spects a  wise  one.  He  is,  however,  weak  enough 
to  imagine  that  he  can  keep  his  pretty  daughter 
from  all  amusements  except  the  weekly  prayer- 
meeting  and  the  annual  donation  party.  The 
amusements  in  which  young  girls  delight,  no  mat- 
ter how  innocent  they  may  be  in  the  eyes  of  other 
men,  Mr.  Johnston  summarily  condemns  as  vain 
and  frivolous.  Of  course,  this  line  of  conduct  can- 
not be  commended,  but  it  is,  nevertheless,  true 
that  Miss  Johnston  ought  to  obey  the  commands 
of  her  father  while  she  is  yet  in  her  minority  and 
under  his  roof.  It  is  painful  to  be  compelled  to 
mention  that  such  is  not  the  view  of  the  matter 
taken  by  the  spirited  and  undutiful  girl.  While 
she  does  not  venture  to  openly  defy  the  author  of 


168  SHOOTING    STARS. 

her  existence,  she  does  not  hesitate  to  deceive  him. 
She  snatches  surreptitious  joys  whenever  the 
paternal  back  is  turned,  and  such  is  her  versatility 
that  she  has  been  known  to  entertain  three  dis- 
tinct and  simultaneous  young  men — one  in  the 
woodshed,  another  at  the  back  gate,  and  a  third 
under  the  lilac-bush  in  the  front  yard,  at  the  very 
time  when  Mr.  Johnston  fondly  imagined  that  she 
was  in  her  room  studying  the  Shorter  Catechism 
by  lamp-light.  The  neighbors,  from  sympathy 
with  youth  and  beauty  subjected  to  parental 
tyranny,  assist  her  in  her  undutiful  conduct,  and 
conceal  from  her  unsuspecting  father  her  indul- 
gence in  picnics  and  skating  parties. 

Among  the  young  lady's  warmest  admirers  is 
the  young  man  who  presides  over  the  local  public 
school.  He  is  an  unexceptionable  person,  except 
in  point  of  muscle.  He  is  not  strong,  and  he  is 
not  familiar  with  out-of-door  sports.  Still,  these 
faults  do  not  affect  his  moral  character,  and  most 
certainly  did  not  justify  Mr.  Johnston  in  leading 
him  out  of  the  house  by  his  left  ear  on  the  solitary 


A    SLEIGHING    TRAGEDY.  169 

occasion  on  which  he  had  rashly  ventured  to  call 
on  the  stern  old  gentleman's  daughter.  As  was 
only  natural,  this  want  of  delicacy  and  hospitality 
exasperated  the  school-teacher,  and  though,  as  he 
afterward  explained  to  a  friend  who  happened  to 
be  passing  the  house  at  the  moment  when  the 
pedagogical  ear  was  undergoing  undue  familiarity, 
he  did  not  feel  at  liberty  to  inflict  personal  chas- 
tisement upon  Miss  Johnston's  father,  he  was, 
nevertheless,  determined  to  "  get  square "  with 
him,  let  the  consequences  be  what  they  might. 

A  few  weeks  later  the  first  heavy  fall  of  snow 
occurred  in  North  Lyme,  and  Mr.  Parker — for 
that  was  the  school-teacher's  name — determined  to 
invite  Miss  Johnston  to  accompany  him  on  a  sleigh- 
ride.  He  knew  that  she  would  be  delighted  to 
accept  an  invitation,  and  that  her  father  regarded 
sleigh-riding  as  one  of  the  worst  vices  in  which  his 
daughter  could  possibly  indulge.  To  please  him- 
self and  the  young  lady  and  to  triumph  over  her 
objectionable  parent,  presented  itself  to  his  mind 
as  a  delicious  combination  of  pleasure  and  revenge, 
8 


170  SHOOTING    STARS. 

and  accordingly  he  wrote  to  Miss  Johnston  to  meet 
him  in  a  quiet  lane  a  short  distance  from  the  vil- 
lage, and  proceeded  to  the  livery  stable  to  hire  a 
sleigh. 

Mr.  Parker  was  not,  as  the  event  proved,  a 
judge  of  sleighs.  Moreover,  there  was  just  at  that 
time  an  excessive  demand  upon  the  resources  of 
the  livery  stable,  and  every  sleigh  but  one  was  en- 
gaged. This  one  was  an  aged  "  cutter  "  of  a  de- 
cidedly rickety  appearance,  but  Mr.  Parker  found 
no  fault  with  it,  and,  after  hiring  a  horse  warranted 
to  be  old  and  gentle,  he  entered  the  sleigh  and 
drove  cautiously  to  the  rendezvous.  Miss  John- 
ston, with  her  cheeks  and  nose  glowing  with  frost 
and  expectation,  was  waiting  for  him,  and  his 
heart  beat  high  as  he  alighted  and  prepared  to 
assist  her  to  the  seat. 

A  surfeit  of  small-boys  and  a  prolonged  course 
of  boarding-house  beefsteak  had  reduced  Mr.  Par- 
ker's weight  to  103  pounds, — as  he  afterward 
testified  before  the  Justice  of  the  Peace.  Miss 
Johnston,  on  the  other  hand,  was  a  plump  young 


A    SLEIGHING    TRAGEDY.  171 

person,  who  weighed  139  pounds  without  her  back 
hair.  The  sleigh  had  borne  the  school-teacher, 
though  with  much  ominous  creaking,  but  it  was 
unequal  to  the  strain  of  139  pounds  of  girl.  As 
Miss  Johnston  stepped  into  the  middle  of  the 
"  cutter,"  and  paused  to  arrange  her  skirts  with  a 
view  to  sitting  down,  a  sharp  crackling  sound  was 
heard,  and  the  unhappy  girl  suddenly  went  through 
the  bottom,  and  was  held  fast  by  cruel  splinters, 
with  her  feet  just  touching  the  snow. 

Mr.  Parker  rushed  to  the  rescue  with  the  ut- 
most promptness,  and  mounting  on  the  seat,  strove 
to  extricate  his  companion  from  the  wreck ;  but 
the  inexorable  splinters  would  not  yield.  He 
tried  to  break  the  entire  bottom  out  of  the  sleigh, 
but  his  strength  was  unequal  to  the  feat.  With 
rare  inventive  genius,  he  next  proposed  to  crawl 
under  the  sleigh  to  extricate  Miss  Johnston  by 
cutting  away  the  splinters  with  his  knife,  but  she 
declared  with  vigorous  eloquence  that  if  he  dared 
to  even  bend  his  head  down  she  would  never  speak 
to  him  again  the  longest  day  she  lived.  Just  at 


172  SHOOTING    STARS. 

this  point  the  horse  showed  signs  of  restlessness, 
and  the  young  lady  insisted  that  the  animal  should 
be  instantly  cast  loose  from  the    sleigh,  lest   his 
movements  should  further  complicate   her  misfor- 
tune.    Accordingly,  the  horse  was  sent  adrift,  and 
the  discouraged  Mr.  Parker  was  left   alone  with 
his  weeping  companion,  who  constantly  upbraided 
him,  and   as    constantly  refused  all   his  offers  of 
assistance. 

At  the  end  of  half  an  hour  Miss  Johnston  began 
to  suffer  from  the  cold,  and  as  she  firmly  refused 
to  allow  a  blanket  to  be  wrapped  around — that  is 
to  say,  to  be  placed  in  position  beneath  the  sleigh, 
the  situation  became  alarming.  Finally,  Mr.  Parker 
hit  upon  the  idea  of  gently  dragging  the  sleigh, 
while  the  imprisoned  fair  one  feebly  imitated  the 
movement  of  walking.  This  gentle  exercise  pre- 
vented her  from  freezing,  but  it  was  obviously  im- 
possible for  her  to  enter  the  village  in  such  an  un- 
precedented style,  and  she  actually  hailed  with 
delight  the  sudden  appearance  of  her  father,  in 
connection  with  a  load  of  wood.  That  gentleman 


A    SLEIGHING    TRAGEDY.  173 

was  naturally  surprised  at  the  spectacle  which  he 
beheld,  but  he  was  wrong  in  characterizing  it  as  a 
wicked  and  willful  attempt  to  play  at  circus. 

Mr.  Johnston,  with  the  help  of  his  whip,  con- 
vinced the  school-teacher  that  he  had  better  hasten 
home ;  and  he  then  extricated  his  daughter,  by 
summarily  knocking  the  sleigh  to  pieces.  He  has 
since  sued  Mr.  Parker  for  damages  inflicted  upon 
Miss  Johnston  by  means  of  splinters  and  exposure 
to  the  weather,  and  though  the  case  has  not  yet 
been  decided,  it  is  generally  thought  that  the  plain- 
tiff will  succeed.  The  story  is  a  very  sad  one,  and 
is  well  adapted  to  awaken  within  us  a  variety  of 
painful,  though  salutary,  emotions. 


THE  MANAGING   YOUNG  MAN. 

fin  HIS  world  is  full  of  painful  duties  which  are 
-*-  constantly  assigned  to  the  conscientious  jour- 
nalist. Close  upon  the  sleigh-riding  tragedy  at 
North  Lyme  comes  the  news  of  a  still  more  appal- 
ling incident  of  sleighing  in  New  Jersey,  which  de- 
mands to  be  delicately,  yet  firmly,  set  before  the 
public.  It  is  not  the  journalist's  fault  that  these 
things  happen.  It  has  long  been  the  opinion  of 
thoughtful  men  that  the  constant  tendency  of 
things  to  happen  ought  to  be  checked ;  but  alas  ! 
we  are  as  yet  powerless  to  check  it.  Every  man 
will  wish  that  the  tragedy  which  it  now  becomes 
necessary  to  relate  had  never  occurred,  but  regrets 
are  useless.  We  can  only  strive  to  draw  from  it 
lessons  that  may  teach  us  to  guard  against  similar 
calamities,  and  that  may  sustain  and  strengthen  us 
in  moments  of  heated  anguish. 


THE    MANAGING    YOUNG    MAN.  175 

The  whole  responsibility  of  the  affair  belongs 
to  a  young  man  whose  name  it  would  be  an  un- 
necessary act  of  cruelty  to  mention.  It  is  out  of 
regard  to  this  well-meaning  but  unfortunate  person 
that  the  name  of  the  New  Jersey  village  in  which 
the  tragedy  occurred  is  not  here  specified.  It  is 
sufficient  to  say  that  he  was  regarded  as  an  expert 
in  young  ladies,  and  had  won  universal  female 
gratitude  by  his  intelligent  efforts  to  please  the 
sex.  When,  therefore,  he  undertook  to  manage 
what  in  the  New  Jersey  dialect  is  called  a  "  straw 
sleigh-ride,"  it  was  generally  believed  that  the  suc- 
cess of  the  affair  was  already  assured. 

The  essential  ingredients  of  a  "  straw  sleigh- 
ride  "  are  from  fifteen  to  twenty-five  young  men 
and  women,  a  large  box  sleigh  without  seats,  and  a 
quantity  of  straw.  The  straw  is  strewn  in  the  bot- 
tom of  the  sleigh,  and  the  pleasure-seekers  sit  on 
the  straw,  leaning  their  respective  backs  against 
the  sides  of  the  sleigh.  Of  course,  they  are  un- 
comfortable, but  the  sense  of  doing  something  un- 
usual and  unconventional  gives  a  zest  to  a  straw 


1  76  SHOOTING     STARS. 

sleigh-ride  which  renders  it  immensely  popular  with 
the  young.  There  is,  however,  one  serious  draw- 
back to  the  pleasure  of  such  an  excursion.  The 
cold  air  will  penetrate  through  the  bottom  of  the 
sleigh  in  spite  of  the  straw,  and  will  exercise  a 
chilling  influence  upon  the  mirth  and  the  geniality 
of  the  party.  On  this  particular  occasion  the 
Managing  Young  Man  undertook  to  provide  means 
for  keeping  the  young  ladies  thoroughly  warm,  and 
the  latter  placed  unreserved  confidence  in  his  wis- 
dom and  skill. 

Everybody  knows  that  bricks  when  thoroughly 
heated  and  wrapped  up  in  paper  will  preserve  their 
warmth  for  many  hours.  The  Managing  Young 
Man  determined  to  warm  the  young  ladies  of  the 
sleighing  party  with  bricks,  and  by  an  elaborate 
calculation  arrived  at  the  conclusion  that  each 
young  lady  would  require  four  bricks.  As  the 
party  was  to  consist  of  eleven  girls  and  seven 
young  men,  he  laid  in  no  less  than  forty-four  bricks, 
all  of  which  he  heated  for  several  hours  in  the  fur- 
nace of  the  Town  Hall,  and  subsequently  placed  in 


THE    MANAGING    YOUNG    MAN.  177 

the  bottom  of  the  sleigh,  having  first  neatly  wrapped 
them  in  copies  of  the  Tribune  so  that  the  girls 
might  feel  thoroughly  at  home  while  sitting  on 
them. 

At  about  8  o'clock  in  the  evening  the  sleigh 
received  its  precious  freight,  and  the  Managing 
Young  Man  was  overwhelmed  with  thanks  for  his 
thoughtful  conduct  in  protecting  the  young  ladies 
from  cold.  The  heat  from  the  bricks  was  at  first 
exceedingly  welcome,  but  after  a  time  a  certain 
uneasiness  on  the  part  of  the  young  ladies  was 
manifested.  They  conversed  in  an  absent-minded 
and  preoccupied  manner,  and  evinced  that  constant 
tendency  to  uneasy  movements  which  is  said  by 
scientific  persons  to  characterize  a  hen  when  placed 
on  a  hot  griddle,  although  there  is  no  authentic 
record  that  any  such  brutal  experiment  has  ever 
been  tried.  A  little  later  and  the  girls  abandoned 
all  attempts  to  join  in  general  conversation,  and 
whispered  to  one  another  with  every  appearance  of 
anxiety  and  alarm.  .  Presently  they  began  with 
one  accord  to  grope  nervously  and  stealthily  in  the 
8* 


178  SHOOTING    STARS. 

straw,  and  several  of  them  suddenly  shrieked  and 
blew  violently  upon  their  fingers.  At  last  the 
astonished  Managing  Young  Man  was  unanimously 
called  upon  with  frenzied  energy  to  instantly  stop 
the  sleigh,  and  as  soon  as  tha  order  was  obeyed 
the  young  ladies  sprang  out  with  a  haste  that  dis- 
dained any  masculine  assistance. 

The  smell  of  singed  paper  had  by  this  time 
suggested  an  explanation  of  the  mystery,  and  the 
demand  which  was  presently  made  that  every 
brick  should  be  thrown  out  of  the  sleigh  left  no 
further  room  for  doubt  in  the  mind  of  the  Manag- 
ing Young  Man.  He  burned  his  fingers  severely 
while  handling  the  overheated  bricks,  but  he  cared 
not  for  his  own  physical  pain.  The  thought  that 
instead  of  making  the  girls  comfortable  he  had  in- 
flicted upon  them  the  tortures  of  St.  LAWRENCE, 
filled  him  with  humiliation.  The  girls  were  merely 
human,  and  it  was  natural  that  they  should  feel 
extremely  dissatisfied  with  him,  but  it  was  scarcely 
just  for  them  to  refuse  to  accept  his  apologies  and 
to  treat  him  with  cold  disdain.  The  conduct  of 


THE    MANAGING    YOUNG    MAN.  179 

one  particular  young  lady,  whom  he  ardently  ad- 
mired, and  whom  he  had  secretly  provided  with  an 
extra  brick,  pierced  him  to  the  heart.  She  per- 
sistently sat  on  a  snow-bank,  and  refused  to  be 
comforted  or  to  concede  that  he  was  not  a  hateful, 
unfeeling  brute.  When  the  cargo  of  bricks  was 
finally  thrown  out  and  the  girls  resumed  their 
places  in  the  sleigh,  the  whole  pleasure  of  the 
excursion  was  manifestly  wrecked,  and  the  Man- 
aging Young  Man,  who  had  exiled  himself  to  the 
driver's  seat,  felt  that  he  was  a  combination  of  half 
a  dozen  distinct  and  infamous  kinds  of  criminals. 

It  is  all  over  now.  The  young  ladies  have  re- 
covered their  spirits,  and  would  perhaps  forgive 
the  Managing  Young  Man  were  he  to  return  and 
sue  for  forgiveness.  But  he  is  far  away,  having 
fled  the  village  and  buried  himself  in  the  wilds  of 
Chicago.  May  his  fate  be  a  warning  to  us  all,  and 
may  we  remember  that,  though  a  warm  brick  has 
its  uses,  there  may  be  too  much  of  a  good  thing. 


SEDENTARY  ABILITIES. 

"PRESIDENT  BASCOM,  who  presides  over  a 
-•-  Western  college  to  which  young  ladies,  as 
well  as  young  men,  are  admitted,  has  recently  ex- 
pressed his  warm  approval  of  the  co-education  of  the 
sexes  and  has  asserted  that  girls  are  better  students 
than  boys,  for  the  reason  that  they  are  better 
adapted  to  sedentary  pursuits.  In  other  words, 
he  claims  that  girls  can  sit  down  more  successfully 
than  boys,  and  that  this  fact  enables  them  to  sur- 
pass the  other  sex  in  study  and  in  whatever  busi- 
ness or  profession  involves  a  large  amount  of  sitting 
down.  Far  be  it  from  us  to  dispute  the  learned 
President's  facts.  Doubtless  he  knows  whereof  he 
affirms,  and  we  should  cheerfully  concede  that  the 
members  of  the  gentler  sex  are  unequaled  in  the 
capacity  for  sitting  down.  Still,  'the  inferences 
which  President  BASCOM  draws  from  this  fact  are 


SEDENTARY    ABILITIES.  181 

not  necessarily  true.  A  person,  of  whatever  sex, 
may  be  able  to  sit  down  to  an  immense  extent  and 
may,  nevertheless,  be  wholly  unable  to  study. 
The  professional  fat  man  and  fat  woman  spend  the 
greater  part  of  their  lives  in  the  sedentary  occupa- 
tion of  being  looked  at  and  pinched  by  curious  peo- 
ple, but  they  have  never,  in  a  single  instance,  been 
noted  for  scholarship.  As  for  the  theory  that 
because  girls  are  peculiarly  adapted  to  rocking- 
chairs  they  should  therefore  be  admitted  to  young 
men's  colleges,  there  is  abundant  reason  why  we 
should  unhesitatingly  reject  it. 

While  girls  unquestionably  have  their  uses  in 
the  economy  of  nature,  and  possess  merits  exclu- 
sively their  own,  it  may  be  boldly  asserted  that 
they  are  totally  unfit  to  pursue  in  company  with 
young  men  the  studies  which  constitute  the  cur- 
riculum of  every  respectable  college.  One  of  the 
earliest  studies  of  the  Freshman  year  is  the  art  of 
getting  the  janitor's  cow  into  the  fourth  story  of  the 
dormitory.  This  can  be  readily  mastered  by  any 
young  man  of  good  abilities  and  habits  of  industry 


182  SHOOTING    STARS. 

and  perseverance ;  but  between  girls  and  cows  there 
is  a  great  gulf  fixed.  The  girl,  from  her  earliest 
youth,  looks  upon  the  cow  as  a  ferocious  beast, 
prone  to  keep  young  ladies  in  the  air  in  positions 
fatal  to  the  proper  arrangement  of  the  back  hair. 
To  suppose  that  three  or  four  young  lady  students 
are  capable  of  the  complicated  pushing  and  pulling 
necessary  to  induce  a  cow  to  climb  several  flights 
of  stairs,  is  to  suppose  that  the  natural  feminine 
fear  of  cows  can  be  eradicated  by  the  mere  process 
of  matriculation.  Thus  we  see  that  one  of  the  very 
easiest  of  college  studies  is  quite  beyond  the  range 
of  the  female  intellect. 

The  Sophomore  year  in  most  of  our  colleges  is 
devoted  to  base-ball.  Will  President  BASCOM  have 
the  temerity  to  assert  that  this  is  a  sedentary 
pursuit,  or  that  it  is  one  in  which  it  is  possible  for 
girls  to  excel  ?  We  all  know  that  nature  has  so 
constructed  the  girl  that  she  cannot  throw  a  ball 
with  any  force  or  accuracy.  If  the  most  accom- 
plished of  President  BASCOM'S  young  ladies  were  to 
attempt  to  pitch  a  base-ball,  the  chances  are  that, 


SEDENTARY    ABILITIES.  183 

instead  of  coming  within  reach  of  the  batsman,  it 
would  describe  a  parabolic  curve  and  smash  the 
President's  front  window.  Nor  can  young  lady 
students  strike  or  catch  a  ball  when  thrown  with 
the  proper  degree  of  force.  In  short,  base-ball  is  a 
study  in  which  it  is  morally  impossible  that  girls 
should  ever  successfully  compete  with  men.  The 
same  may  be  said  of  foot-ball,  which,  in  some 
colleges,  is  an  optional  study,  which  those  who  do 
not  fancy  base-ball  are  permitted  to  substitute  for 
the  latter.  It  is  barely  possible,  judging  from  the 
remarks  which  Chicago  and  St.  Louis  newspapers 
constantly  make  in  regard  to  the  feet  of  the  ladies 
of  those  cities,  that  Western  girls  are  better  adapted 
for  foot-ball  than  are  the  girls  this  side  of  the  Alle- 
ghanies,  but  it  may  be  safely  asserted  that  no  girl 
can  graduate  in  foot-ball,  especially  in  colleges 
where  the  Rugby  method  is  studied,  with  any. 
honor,  or,  indeed,  with  any  high  standing  in  her 
class.  By  far  the  most  important  study  pursued 
'  at  any  American  college  is  that  of  rowing.  From 
this  study  girls  are  virtually  debarred  simply  by 


184  SHOOTING    STARS. 

reason  of  their  sex.  Man  is  so  constituted  that  he 
can  reduce  his  clothing  to  a  close-fitting  undershirt 
and  a  pair  of  attenuated  trousers,  which  add 
scarcely  anything  to  his  weight  in  a  six-oared 
shell.  Jt  is  asserted  by  all  scientific  authorities 
that  girls  are  incased  in  many  successive  layers  of 
clothing,  which  are  believed  to  be  permanently 
affixed  to  them,  and  the  aggregate  weight  of  which 
is  enormous.  This  would  alone  render  girls  unfit 
to  pursue  the  fascinating  and  improving  study  of 
rowing,  but  there  are  other  obstacles  equally  im- 
possible to  be  overcome.  Girls  cannot  run  to  any 
extent  worth  mentioning  ;  and  are  hence  unable  to 
run  along  the  shore  while  a  boat-race  is  in  progress, 
yelling  encouragement  to  the  oarsmen,  and  an- 
nouncing the  odds  which  they  are  prepared  to  bet 
upon  their  favorite  crews.  Nor  are  they  able  to 
Tie  with  the  other  sex  in  making  hideous  the  night 
after  the  race.  Perhaps  they  would  submit  to  the 
deprivation  of  caramels  and  the  total  abstinence 
from  tea  which  are  necessary  while  undergoing 
training,  but  what  plump  young  lady  would  be 


SEDENTARY    ABILITIES.  185 

willing  to  reduce  herself  to  a  gaunt  and  sun-burned 
oarswoman,  even  in  order  to  beat  the  Yale  or  the 
Columbia  crew  ?  It  might  also  be  mentioned  that 
a  race  is  rowed  principally  with  the  muscles  of  the 
oarsmen's  legs,  and  it  is  well  known  that  the 
gentler  sex — But  this  is,  perhaps,  a  branch  of 
the  subject  which  can  be  discussed  with  proper 
delicacy  only  by  a  convention  of  strong-minded 
women. 

In  several  of  the  minor  studies  of  the  college 
course,  such  as  euchre,  the  amputation  of  the 
clapper  of  the  chapel  bell,  the  nailing  up  of  the 
tutor's  door,  and  the  introduction  of  goats  and 
other  comparatively  innocuous  animals  into  the 
recitation  room,  girls  may  very  possibly  be  able  to 
maintain  something  like  an  equality  with  boys. 
Still,  enough  has  been  said  to  show  that  they  are 
very  far  from  being  adapted  to  pursue  those  more 
important  studies  which  convert  the  industrious 
undergraduate  into  a  healthy,  earnest,  learned, 
and  Christian  man.  What,  then,  does  President 
BASCOM  mean  by  his  assuming  that  merely 


186  SHOOTING    STARS. 

because  girls  can  sit  down  rather  more  than 
boys,  they  are  peculiarly  adapted  to  pursue 
the  regular  studies  of  the  Yale  and  Columbia 
students  ? 


CAT  FISHING 


CAT-FISHING. 

"IV  IT  ANY  and  ingenious  are  the  remedies  that 
-L-*-L  have  been  proposed  for  nocturnal  cats,  but 
none  of  them  seem  to  have  proved  thoroughly  suc- 
cessful. It  was  pointed  out  not  very  long  ago  that 
the  extirpation  of  all  fences  which  run  in  a  direction 
parallel,  or  nearly  parallel,  with  the  equator,  would 
exempt  cats  from  electrical  difficulties  in  their  in- 
ternal organs,  and  would  thus  hush  the  cries  that 
now  render  night  hideous ;  but  there  is  a  practical 
difficulty  in  dispensing  with  these  fences.  Another 
remedy,  which  is  a  certain  cure  for  nocturnal  cats, 
is  suggested  by  the  fact  that  cats  cannot  live  at  a 
greater  elevation  than  13,000  feet  above  the  sea. 
If  we  build  our  back  fences  13,500  feet  high,  not  a 
cat  will  scale  their  lofty  summits ;  but  the  labor  and 
expense  of  constructing  fences  of  this  height  would 
be  so  great  as  to  forbid  their  erection  by  persons 
of  small  incomes.  Mere  palliatives,  such  as  boot- 


188  SHOOTING    STARS. 

jacks  and  lumps  of  coal,  never  accomplish  any 
lasting  benefit ;  they  may  discourage  an  occasional 
cat,  but  his  place  will  instantly  be  filled.  With 
all  their  habitual  caution,  cats  are  bold,  and  will 
often  rush  in  where  an  average  angel  would  fear  to 
tread.  To  deal  effectually  with  them  is  a  task 
which  calls  for  the  highest  form  of  inventive  genius, 
combined  with  patience  and  a  reckless  indifference 
to  Mr.  BERGH'S  opinions. 

The  young  man  in  West  Thirty-fifth  street  who 
lately  introduced  cat-fishing  as  a  manly  and  benefi- 
cent sport,  can  scarcely  be  said  to  have  devised 
an  absolute  specific  for  cats,  but  he  has  unquestion- 
ably contributed  to  lessen  the  number  of  cats  in 
his  immediate  vicinity.  Early  last  fall  a  vast 
area  of  cats,  accompanied  with  marked  depression 
of  the  spirits  of  the  inhabitants  of  West  Thirty-fifth 
street,  overspread  that  unfortunate  region.  After 
a  thorough  trial  of  most  of  the  popular  remedies,  a 
young  man  residing  on  the  block  between  Fifth  and 
Sixth  avenues,  and  who  may  be  called — not  neces- 
sarily for  publication,  but  as  a  guarantee  of  good 


CAT-FISHING.  189 

faith — by  the  name  of  Thompson,  hit  upon  the  idea 
of  angling  for  cats.  To  the  end  of  a  strong  blue- 
fish  line  he  affixed  a  salmon-hook,  baited  with 
delicate  morsels  of  meat.  At  first,  this  hook, 
deftly  dropped  from  a  back  window,  was  permitted 
to  lie  on  the  top  of  the  back  fence.  The  first  cat 
that  passed  over  the  fence  would  investigate  the 
bait,  and,  finding  it  apparently  free  from  fraud, 
would  begin  to  eat  it.  A  slight  pull  at  the  line 
would  usually  fix  the  hook  in  the  cat's  mouth,  and 
the  angler  would  haul  in  his  prey  and  knock  it  on 
the  head.  It  frequently  happened,  however,  that 
the  cat  could  not  be  successfully  "  struck,"  and 
would  escape  and  warn  his  associates  to  beware  of 
concealed  hooks.  Moreover,  the  angler  had  his 
bait  gorged,  upon  one  occasion,  by  a  tramp,  who 
had  climbed  the  fence  with  a  view  to  gaining  ac- 
cess to  the  k,itchen,  and,  though  the  game  was 
successfully  landed  in  the  second-story  back  room, 
after  having  been  gaffed  with  a  sword  bayonet,  he 
had  so  much  difficulty  in  subsequently  disposing  of 
the  body  that  he  dreaded  a  repetition  of  the  inci- 


190  SHOOTING    STARS. 

dent     He  therefore  altered  his  method  of  angling, 
and  adopted  a  modified  style  of  fly-fishing. 

This  latter  sport  was  carried  on  with  the  aid  of 
a  long  bamboo  fishing-pole.  The  hook  was  baited 
as  before,  but  instead  of  being  permitted  to  lie  on 
the  top  of  the  fence,  was  suffered  to  dangle  in  the 
air,  about  two  feet  above  it.  As  soon  as  a  cat 
perceived  the  bait,  he  assumed,  with  the  intense 
self-conceit  characteristic  of  his  race,  that  it  was  a 
supernatural  recognition  of  his  extraordinary  merits, 
and  could  be  fearlessly  appropriated.  In  order  to 
seize  it  he  was,  of  course,  compelled  to  leap  up- 
ward, and  it  was  very  seldom  that  he  failed  to  hook 
himself.  By  this  plan,  not  only  was  the  necessity 
of  "  striking  "  the  cat  obviated,  but  the  danger  that 
the  bait  would  be  seized  by  tramps  was  greatly 
lessened,  while  the  excitement  and  interest  of  the 
sport  were  increased. 

The  young  man  became  greatly  fascinated  with 
his  new  occupation,  and  having  effected  an  arrange- 
ment with  a  popular  French  restaurant,  was  en- 
abled to  dispose  of  his  game  easily  and  profitably. 


CAT-FISHING.  191 

On  moonlight  nights,  when  the  late  fall  cats  were 
in  season,  he  often  caught  a  string  of  from  three  to 
four  dozen  during  a  single  night,  many  of  them 
weighing  ten  or  fifteen  pounds  each.  So  few  cats 
escaped  after  having  once  leaped  at  the  bait,  that 
no  general  suspicion  of  the  deadly  nature  of  appar- 
ently aerial  meat  was  disseminated  among  the  feline 
population  of  the  neighborhood.  Before  the  win- 
ter was  over  cats  had  become  so  scarce  that  the 
sportsman  was  seriously  contemplating  the  necessity 
of  artificially  stocking  the  back  fences  of  Thirty- 
fifth-street,  when  an  unfortunate  accident  brought 
his  beneficent  occupation  to  a  sudden  end.  An 
old  gentleman,  residing  in  a  house  on  Thirty-sixth 
street,  the  back  yard  of  which  adjoined  the  fence 
where  the  young  man  practised  his  sport,  noticed 
one  evening  that  something  attached  to  a  string  was 
dangling  over  his  back  fence.  As  he  had  a  pretty 
daughter,  he  immediately  suspected  that  it  was  a 
surreptitious  note,  and  stole  softly  out  to  seize  and 
confiscate  it.  Mounting  on  a  barrel  he  clutched 
the  supposed  note,  and  was  instantly  hooked. 


192  SHOOTING    STARS. 

The  tackle  was  strong,  and  he  would  perhaps  have 
been,  landed  had  not  the  hook  torn  out  when  he 
was  about  forty  feet  from  the  ground.  After  he 
had  recovered  from  the  injuries  caused  by  the  fall 
and  the  weakness  consequent  upon  the  amputation 
of  his  legs,  he  showed  so  much  annoyance  at 
the  so-called  outrage  which  had  been  inflicted  upon 
him,  that  the  young  man,  who  was  a  person  of  the 
most  delicate  feelings,  promised  to  give  up  cat-fish- 
ing. Of  course,  had  the  old  gentleman  been  thor- 
oughly gaffed,  he  would  not  have  fallen,  and  per- 
haps the  young  man  felt  that  his  failure  to  gaff  him 
was  an  inexcusable  error,  which  really  called  for 
his  graceful  retirement  from  cat-fishing. 

This  example  ought  to  bear  fruit.  At  a  very 
small  expense  for  tackle,  any  resident  of  this  city 
who  occupies  a  back  room,  can  secure  excellent 
sport,  and  at  the  same  time  can  render  a  great  ser- 
vice to  humanity  by  reducing  the  number  of  cats. 
The  sport  ought  speedily  to  become  a  very  popular 
one,  and  there  can  be  but  little  doubt  that  in  time 
cat-fishing  will  rival  trout-fishing  in  the  estimation 
of  American  sportsmen. 


A  MOURNFUL   INCIDENT. 

rTIHE  temperance  crusade  in  Georgetown,  Michi- 
••*-  gan,  which  was  carried  on  by  the  earnest 
women  of  the  village  last  winter,  was  a  great 
success.  When  the  crusade  began  there  were  five 
"saloons,1'  at  which  various  immoral  beverages, 
from  mild  lager-beer  to  fiery  benzine  whisky,  were 
sold,  but  before  spring  only  one  of  the  '•'  saloon- 
keepers "  insulted  female  public  sentiment  by  con- 
tinuing to  prosecute  his  business.  Of  the  others, 
three  had  sold  out  their  entire  stock  to  the  crusa- 
ders, at  a  profit  of  nearly  200  per  cent.,  and  had 
removed  to  the  next  town,  where  they  opened 
larger  and  more  attractive  "  saloons ;"  while  the 
fourth  reformed  rum-seller  openly  repented  for 
$750  cash,  and  became  a  temperance  lecturer,  at 
$50  a  night,  which,  together  with  his  income  from 
a  gambling-house,  made  him  very  comfortable.  In 
9 


194  SHOOTING   STARS. 

fact,  he  was  accustomed  to  say  that,  as  between 
selling  liquor  for  a  profit  of  $800  a  year,  and  prac- 
ticing as  a  reformer  for  $11.000  a  year,  no  intelligent 
man  could  hesitate  to  choose  the  latter,  and  that 
he  hoped  in  the  course  of  a  few  months  to  find  an 
opening  as  a  reformed  gambler  that  would  make 
his  fortune  at  one  blow. 

The  one  obdurate  liquor-dealer  was  without 
doubt  one  of  the  most  exasperating  ruffians  on 
record.  Night  after  night  did  the  devoted  women 
of  Georgetown  enter  his  "saloon"  and  hold  a 
prayer-meeting  of  great  size  and  strength,  but  he 
never  once  openly  insulted  them,  so  as  to  enable 
the  male  crusaders  to  smash  his  bottles  about  his 
ears.  On  the  contrary,  he  provided  a  parlor-organ 
and  six  dozen  hymn-books,  and  joined  in  the  sing- 
ing with  great  ardor.  When  he  was  personally 
exhorted  to  give  up  his  nefarious  business,  he 
always  expressed  a  great  desire  to  reform,  but 
fixed  his  price  at  $3,000,  which  was  considered  to 
be  altogether  too  high.  It  was  useless  to  labor 
with  such  a  hardened  reprobate,  and  after  six 


A    MOURNFUL    INCIDENT.  195 

months  of  unremitting  effort,  the  earnest  women 
shook  his  sawdust  from  their  feet  and  abandoned 
the  attempt  to  reform  him.  When  he  was  told 
that  no  more  prayer-meetings  would  be  held  in  his 
"saloon,"  he  expressed  sincere  regret,  and  offered 
to  reform  for  only  $2,500,  but  even  this  offer  was 
rejected,  and  then,  for  the  first  time,  he  lost  his 
temper,  and  remarked  that  people  who  refused  to 
save  an  immortal  soul  and  put  an  end  to  drunken- 
ness at  the  low  price  of  $2,500  were  insincere,  and 
should  no  longer  pollute  his  premises  with  their 
hypocritical  prayers.  In  spite  of  this  one  failure, 
the  crusaders  had  accomplished  so  much  that,  on 
the  23d  of  November  last,  the  anniversary  of  the 
formation  of  the  "  Earnest  Women's  Anti  Rum, 
Beer  and  Tobacco  League,'1  they  determined  to 
celebrate  the  occasion  by  a  public  procession  and  a 
cold  water  festival  in  the  Baptist  meeting-house. 
The  procession  was  to  march  in  front  of  the  obdu- 
rate liquor-seller's  "  saloon,"  with  any  quantity  of 
banners — the  Earnest  Women  singing  temperance 
hymns,  thus  dispensing  with  the  services  of  a  beer- 


196  SHOOTING    STARS. 

drinking  German  brass  band.  When  the  "saloon" 
keeper  heard  of  the  intended  celebration,  he  smiled 
grimly,  and  announced  that  if  the  procession  did 
not  halt  in  front  of  his  "  saloon,"  he  should  feel 
personally  slighted. 

Now,  the  sidewalk  in  front  of  that  wicked 
man's  "  saloon "  was  wide  and  was  paved  with  a 
peculiar  mixture  of  tar  and  gravel.  It  was  slightly 
out  of  repair,  and  the  liquor-seller  remarked  that 
he  should  show  his  respect  for  the  temperance 
cause  by  having  it  put  in  complete  repair.  He, 
however,  postponed  the  work  from  day  to  day, 
until  it  was  generally  thought  that  he  had  aban- 
doned his  design,  but  on  the  very  night  before  the 
procession  a  gang  of  men,  with  lanterns  and  tar 
barrels,  appeared  on  the  scene,  and  before  daylight 
the  sidewalk  was  finished.  In  the  morning  two 
sentinels  were  stationed  to  warn  pedestrians  not  to 
step  on  the  newly  laid  pavement,  which,  however, 
the  liquor-dealer  asserted  would  be  perfectly  hard 
before  the  hour  fixed  for  the  procession. 

It  was  nearly  11   o'clock  before  the  Earnest 


A    MOURNFUL    INCIDENT.  197 

Women,  singing  a  powerful  hymn  and  carrying 
more  banners  than  a  torch-light  political  proces- 
sion, turned  the  corner  and  advanced  toward  the 
"saloon."  The  two  sentinels  were  hastily  with- 
drawn, and  the  liquor-seller,  with  his  hat  in  his 
hand,  stood  at  his  doorway  to  do  homage  to  the 
reformers.  As  they  neared  him  they  averted  their 
gaze,  and  would  have  passed  him  without  recogniz- 
ing his  existence,  but,  unfortunately,  the  proces- 
sion, instead  of  passing  his  door,  halted  before  it, 
and  standing  perfectly  still,  ceased  singing,  and 
remarked  with  great  unanimity  "goodness  gra- 
cious," and  other  words  to  the  same  general 
effect. 

Contrary  to  the  prediction  of  the  liquor-seller, 
the  new  pavement  was  not  dry.  The  composition 
had  been  spread  to  the  unusual  depth  of  six  inches, 
and  the  head  of  the  procession,  including  twenty- 
six  Earnest  Women,  was  securely  stuck  in  the 
adhesive  compound.  To  lift  their  feet  was  an  im- 
possibility, and  two  ladies  who  rashly  sat  down 
with  the  view  of  removing  their  boots,  and  thus 


198  SHOOTING    STARS.  * 

making  their  escape,  found  it  impossible  to  rise 
again.  The  wicked  "  saloon  "-keeper  at  first  pre- 
tended not  to  notice  the  misfortune  which  had  be- 
fallen the  procession,  and  assuming  that  the  ladies 
had  paused  for  refreshments,  loudly  begged  the 
ladies  "  to  name  their  poison  and  he  would  be  de- 
lighted to  supply  them."  Of  course,  he  was  soon 
compelled  to  recognize  the  true  cause  of  the  stop- 
page of  the  procession,  and  he  then  professed  to' 
be  so  overwhelmed  with  sorrow  that  he  felt  unable 
to  gaze  upon  the  scene,  and  so  put  up  his  shutters 
and  retired  by  the  back  door  into  an  adjoining 
street. 

The  Earnest  Women  were  ultimately  pried  out 
with  fence  rails,  after  hot  crowbars  had  been  used 
to  soften  the  tenacious  tar,  and  they  were  then 
taken  home  in  carriages  and  scraped  by  their  de- 
voted husbands.  The  affair,  however,  cast  a  gloom 
over  the  reformers  and  seriously  injured  the  cause. 
The  wicked  liquor-dealer  had  a  sudden  increase  of 
custom,  and  it  is  understood  that  two  new  saloons 
are  to  be  opened  at  an  early  day.  This  melan- 


A    MOURNFUL    INCIDENT.  199 

choly  event  may  well  fill  us  with  sorrow,  while  it 
conveys  the  solemn  lesson  that  reformers  should 
take  heed  to  their  footsteps,  lest  haply  they  fall 
into  the  snares  of  the  wicked. 


DOGS  AND  GHOSTS. 

TT  is  all  very  well  to  be  a  philosopher  and  to 
-*-  make  all  sorts  of  investigations  with  all  sorts  of 
things ;  but  when  it  comes  to  trifling  with  the  ho- 
liest feelings  of  an  honest  Scotch  terrier,  under  the 
pretext  of  investigating  his  religious  views,  it  is 
time  that  prying  philosophers  should  be  told  to 
exercise  some  little  self-restraint  and  decency. 

M.  COMTE,  the  philosopher  who  invented  an 
ingenious  religion,  based  upon  the  cheerful  and 
sustaining  doctrines  that  there  is  no  GOD  and  that 
the  soul  is  not  immortal,  held  that  dogs  have  a 
religion  closely  resembling  fetichism.  An  English 
philosopher,  one  Mr.  GEORGE  J.  ROMANES,  who  is 
evidently  on  intimate  terms  with  dogs,  but  who  is 
obviously  undeserving  of  that  precious  privilege, 
has  recently  been  investigating  the  alleged  fetich- 
ism  of  dogs,  and  has  decided  that  while  they  are 


DOGS    AND    GHOSTS.  201 

not  really  fetich-worshipers,  they  are  firm  believers 
in  ghosts  and  spiritualism.  It  is  not  with  Mr. 
ROMANES'  conclusions  that  we  need  find  fault,  but 
with  his  methods  of  investigation.  That  prying 
and  indelicate  person  arrived  at  his  alleged  facts 
by  a  series  of  experiments  upon  a  Skye  terrier  of 
culture *and  refinement,  which,  if  generally  known 
in  polite  dog  circles,  would  subject  him  to  severe 
barking,  if  not  to  actual  biting. 

His  first  experiment  was  made  with  a  bone. 
This  is  alone  sufficient  to  show  the  heartless  and 
irreverent  character  of  the  man.  If  there  is  any 
thing  which  a  dog  holds  peculiarly  sacred,  it  is  a 
bone.  A  terrier  will  submit  to  be  deluded  by 
false  representations  that  there  are  eligible  cats  in 
the  coal-scuttle,  or  that  the  piano  is  full  of  rats, 
but  he  feels  that  bones  are  too  sacred  to  be  made 
the  subject  of  jest.  But  what  did  Mr.  ROMANES 
do  ?  According  to  his  own  confession,  he  tied 
a  small  silk  thread  to  a  bone  and  gave  it  to  a  dog. 
After  that  animal  had  convinced  himself  that  it 
was  in  all  respects  a  genuine  and  substantial  bone, 


202  SHOOTING     STARS. 

the  philosopher  possessed  himself  of  the  end  of  the 
thread  and  drew  the  bone  slowly  across  the  floor. 
The  astonished  dog  watched  the  unprecedented 
spectacle  of  an  apparently  self-moving  bone  with 
startled  ears  and  terrified  tail  until  he  convinced 
himself  that  he  was  not  dreaming,  but  that  a 
ghostly  bone  had  materialized  itself  in  front  of  his 
nose.  When  this  conviction  had  mastered  his 
mind,  he  fled,  howling  and  with  every  symptom  of 
terror,  to  his  kennel,  where  he  undoubtedly  spent 
a  miserable  night,  torturing  himself  with  inquiries 
as  to  what  this  supernatural  appearance  might  por- 
tend, and  whether  he  had  committed  some  grave  sin 
in  point  of  cats  or  rats  for  which  the  vision  of  the 
ghostly  bone  was  intended  as  a  punishment. 

Mr.  ROMANES  argues  from  this  cruel  experi- 
ment that  his  dog  recognizes  the  existence  of  su- 
pernatural things  and  dreads  them.  Of  course,  the 
philosopher  fails  to  notice  that  the  conduct  of  the 
dog  was  far  more  sensible  than  is  the  conduct  of 
the  average  man  who  thinks  he  sees  something 
supernatural.  In  all  probability  had  Mr.  ROMANES 


DOGS    AND    GHOSTS. 

ever  seen  a  piece  of  roast  beef  in  the  act  of  cruis- 
ing unassisted  around  the  table,  he  would  instantly 
have  asked  it  preposterous  questions,  and  would 
subsequently  have  let  his  hair  grow  long,  and  have 
become  a  confirmed  Spiritualist.  His  intelligent 
dog  did  none  of  these  things,  but  as  soon  as  he 
decided  that  he  had  seen  a  spiritual  bone,  he  re- 
fused to  have  anything  more  to  do  with  it,  and 
continued  to  wear  his  hear  of  the  usual  length,  and 
to  cling  to  that  faith  in  which  he  was  educated. 
Still,  although  the  experiment  proved  that  the  dog 
was  far  superior  to  his  master,  it  was  a  cruel  tri- 
fling with  the  most  sacred  feelings  of  his  canine 
soul,  and  the  philosopher  deserves  to  be  classed 
with  the  scarcely  less  cruel  and  far  less  mischiev- 
ous practitioners  of  vivisection. 

Not  content  with  his  first  experiment,  Mr. 
ROMANES  tried  another.  He  blew  soap-bubbles, 
suffered  them  to  roll  along  the  carpet,  and  called 
his  dog's  attention  to  them.  It  took  some  time 
to  convince  the  dog  that  they  were  not  a  new 
kind  of  particularly  dangerous  rat,  but  he  ulti- 


204  SHOOTING    STARS. 

mately  made  up  his  mind  to  attack  them.  The 
first  bubble  upon  which  he  placed  his  paw  instantly 
vanished,  much  to  his  amazement.  However,  he 
was  not  easily  discouraged,  and  he  attacked  a 
second  bubble  with  a  similar  result.  Then  there 
flashed  upon  him  the  recollection  of  the  ghostly 
bone,  and  he  decided  that  soap-bubbles  were  also 
supernatural.  Again  he  fled,  manifesting  every 
symptom  of  extreme  terror,  and  has  never  since 
consented  to  remain  in  a  room  in  company  with 
even  the  smallest  bubble. 

Finally,  Mr.  EOMANES  tried  the  dignified  exper- 
iment of  "  making  faces  "  at  his  unfortunate  dog. 
Whether  he  is  a  handsome  man  in  his  normal  state 
or  not,  he  refrains  from  informing  us,  but  it  is 
certain  that  he  made  his  face  so  hideously  ugly 
that  the  dog  mistook  him  for  a  worse  ghost  than 
any  he  had  yet  seen,  and  thereupon  crept  under 
the  sofa  and  tried  to  die.  A  world  abounding  in 
supernatural  bones  and  soap-bubbles,  and  infested 
with  an  atrocious  demon  in  the  clothes,  though 
not  the  likeness,  of  his  master,  had  no  further 


DOGS    AND    GHOSTS.  205 

charms  for  him,  and  he  preferred  to  leave  it,  and 
to  hunt  the  unsubstantial  cats  of  the  other  world, 
in  the  appropriate  character  of  an  unsubstantial 
and  ghostly  dog. 

If  that  outraged  dog  had  as  little  generosity  as 
the  average  man,  he  would  tell  his  miserable  tale 
to  all  his  acquaintances,  and  enlist  their  sympa- 
thies in  his  behalf.  If  this  were  done  Mr.  RO- 
MANES would  be  fitly  punished.  Avenging  dogs 
would  lie  in  wait  for  him  at  every  corner  and  bite 
his  sacrilegious  legs.  They  would  take  turns  in 
howling  before  his  midnight  windows,  until  the 
lack  of  sleep  would  drive  him  into  insanity,  and 
they  would  finally  convert  his  grave  into  a  canine 
base-ball  ground.  He  ought  not,  however,  to  be 
left  exclusively  to  the  vengeance  of  the  dogs.  He 
has  done  his  best  to  disseminate  among  dogs  a  be- 
lief in  ghosts  which  tands  to  unfit  them  for  the  du- 
ties of  their  station.  This  is  a  direct  injury  to 
every  dog-owner,  and  Mr.  ROMANES  should  not  be 
permitted  to  lead  our  dogs  into  evil  ways  with  im- 
punity. 


RED   HAIR. 

1 1  iHE  name  of  the  ladv  who  a  few  weeks  since 

". 
-*-    dropped  her  back  hair  on  the  sidewalk  of  a 

street  in  Clinton,  Illinois,  has  never  been  ascertained. 
The  hair  in  question  was  of  a  bright  red  color,  and 
few  persons  imagined  that  it  was  dangerous  when 
unconnected  with  its  owner.  Nevertheless,  that 
seemingly  innocent  back  hair  led  to  a  tragedy  that 
nearly  ruined  the  peace  of  two  happy  and  respecta- 
ble families. 

Messrs.  Smith  and  Brown  are  two  leading  citi- 
zens engaged  in  the  grocery  business  in  Clinton. 
They  are  men  of  great  worth  of  character,  and  have 
reached  middle  age  without  incurring  the  breath  of 
slander.  One  evening  Mr.  Smith  returned  from 
the  store  and  sitting  down  at  the  tea-table,  pro- 
duced a  Chicago  paper  from  his  pocket  and  re- 
marked with  much  indignation,  "  That  revolting 


RED    HAIR.  207 

Beech  er  scandal  has  been  revived,  and  its  loath- 
some details  are  again  polluting  the  press  and  cor- 
rupting the  minds  of  the  public." 
„  Mrs.  Smith  replied  that  "  it  was  a  shameful 
outrage  that  the  papers  were  allowed  to  publish 
such  disgusting  things,"  and  asked  her  husband 
"  which  paper  had  the  fullest  account  of  the  mat- 
ter." That  excellent  man  said  that  he  believed  the 
Gazette  contained  more  about  it  than  any  other 
paper,  and  that  after  tea  he  would  send  one  of  the 
boys  to  get  a  copy  of  it.  His  wife  thanked  him, 
and  was  in  the  act  of  remarking  that  he  was  always 
thoughtful  and  considerate,  when  the  oldest  boy 
exclaimed,  "  Pa,  you've  got  a  long  red  hair  on 
your  coat  collar  !  " 

A  prompt  investigation  made  by  Mrs.  Smith 
confirmed  the  boy's  accusation.  There  was  an  un- 
mistakably female  hair  on  the  collar  of  Mr.  Smith's 
coat,  and  it  was  obtrusively  red.  Mr.  Smith  said 
that  it  was  a  very  extraordinary  thing,  and  Mrs. 
Smith  also  remarking  "  very  extraordinary,  indeed," 
in  a  dry,  sarcastic  voice,  expressed  deep  disgust  at 


208  SHOOTING    STARS. 

red  hair,  and  a  profound  contempt  for  the  "  nasty 
creatures  "  who  wore  it. 

About  the  same  hour  Mr.  Brown  was  also  seated 
at  his  tea-table,  and  was  endeavoring  to  excuse, 
himself  to  Mrs.  Brown  for  having  forgotten  to  bring 
home  a  paper.  That  lady,  after  having  expressed 
the  utmost  indignation  at  the  revival  of  the  Beecher 
scandal,  had  asked  for  the  paper  in  order  to  see 

who  was  dead  and  married,  and  was,  of  course,  in- 

« 

dignant  because  her  husband  had  not  brought  it 
home.  In  the  heat  of  the  discussion  she  noticed  a 
long  red  hair  on  Mr.  Brown's  coat-collar,  and,  hold- 
ing it  up  before  him,  she  demanded  an  explanation. 
In  vain  did  Mr.  Brown  allege  that  he  had  not  the 
least  idea  how  the  hair  became  attached  to  his  col- 
lar. His  wife  replied  that  what  he  said  was  simply 
ridiculous.  "  Red  hair  don't  blow  round  like  thistle- 
down, and  at  your  time  of  life,  Mr.  Brown,  you 
ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourself.  The  less  you  say 
the  better,  but  I  can  tell  you  that  you  can't  deceive 
me.  I'm  not  a  member  of  Plymouth  Church,  and 
you  can't  make  me  believe  that  black  is  white." 


EED    HAIR.  209 

Now,  both  Mr.  Brown  and  Mr.  Smith  were 
perfectly  innocent.  Of  course,  they  were  annoyed 
by  the  remarks  of  their  respective  wives,  but  like 
sensible  men,  they  avoided  any  unnecessary  discus- 
sion of  the  painful  topic.  The  next  day  they  each 
brought  home  all  the  Chicago  papers  that  contained 
any  reference  to  the  Beecher  matter,  and,  as  the 
papers  were  received  by  Mrs.  Brown  and  Mrs. 
Smith  with  many  protestations  of  the  disgust  which 
they  felt  at  hearing  any  mention  of  the  scandal, 
they  naturally  supposed  that  they  had  made  peace. 
But  marital  suspicion  once  awakened  is  not  easily 
put  to  sleep.  While  Mr.  Brown  was  handing  his 
wife  the  bundle  of  newspapers,  she  was  closely 
scrutinizing  his  coat-collar,  and,  after  she  had  laid 
the  papers  on  her  plate  and  told  the  children  not 
to  touch  them,  she  quietly  took  two  long  red  hairs 
from  her  unfortunate  husband's  coat,  and  held 
them  solemnly  before  his  face. 

"  Mary,  I  give  you  my  solemn  word,"  began 
the  alarmed  Mr.  Brown ;  but  he  was  not  permit- 
ted to  finish  his  sentence.  "Don't  say  one  word," 


210  SHOOTING    STARS. 

exclaimed  Mrs.  Brown.  "  Falsehoods  won't  help 
you ;  I  am  a  faithful  and  loving  wife,  and  I'll  have 
you  exposed  and  punished  if  there  is  any  law  in 
Illinois."  Thus  saying  she  gathered  up  her  news- 
papers and  rushing  to  her  room,  locked  herself  in. 
It  was  not  until  later  in  the  evening  that  Mrs. 
Smith,  as  she  was  about  to  turn  down  her  husband's 
lamp,  which  was  smoking,  perceived  that  two  red 
hairs  were  attached  to  his  shoulder.  She  said 
nothing,  but  after  laying  them  on  the  table  before 
him,  burst  into  tears  and  refused  to  be  comforted 
until  Mr.  Smith  solemnly  swore  that  he  had  not 
seen  a  red-haired  girl  for  months  and  years,  and 
offered  to  buy  her  a  new  parlor  carpet  the  very 
next  day. 

Of  the  two  ladies,  Mrs.  Brown  was  much  the 
stronger  and  the  more  determined.  The  next 
evening,  when  Mr.  Brown  brought  back  from  the 
store  no  less  than  five  red  hairs  on  his  coat-collar, 
she  broke  a  pie-plate  over  his  head,  and  leaving  him 
weltering  in  dried  apples,  put  on  her  bonnet  and 
left  the  house.  Mrs.  Smith,  on  the  same  even- 


RED    HAIR.  211 

ing,  found  four  of  the  mysterious  red  hairs  on  her 
husband's  coat,  but  she  refrained  from  violence,  and 
merely  telling  him  that  she  would  not  believe  in 
his  innocence  if  he  was  to  swear  till  he  was  black 
in  the  face,  called  loudly  for  her  sainted  mother, 
and  was  about  to  faint  when  Mrs.  Brown  burst 
into  the  room.  Mr.  Smith,  like  a  wise  man,  fled 
from  the  scene,  and  the  two  ladies  soon  confided 
their  wrongs  to  one  another. 

When  Mr.  Brown  and  Mr.  Smith  met  the  next 
day,  the  former  confessed  to  the  latter  that  he  was 
in  a  terrible  scrape.  Confidence  begat  confidence, 
and  they  soon  became  convinced  that  they  were 
the  victims  of  a  frightful  conspiracy  to  which  some 
unknown  wearer  of  red  back-hair  was  a  party. 
Their  distress  was  increased  early  in  the  afternoon 
by  the  appearance  of  their  respective  wives,  who 
walked  up  and  down  the  opposite  side  of  the  street 
for  hours,  each  carry  ing  a  conspicuous  rawhide,  and 
evidently  lying  in  wait  for  the  imaginary  red- 
haired  woman.  Messrs.  Smith  and  Brown  felfc 
that  they  were  ruined  men,  and  that  a  tremendous 


212  SHOOTING    STARS. 

scandal  was  about  to  overwhelm  them.  They  even 
wished  that  they  were  dead. 

About  4  o'clock  P.  M.  Mrs.  Smith  clutched  her 
companion's  arm  and  bade  her  listen  to  a  small-boy 
who  was  relating  one  of  his  recent  crimes  to  a 
youthful  companion.  "  I  just  picked  up  that  there 
hair,"  remarked  the  wicked  youth,  "  and  put  some 
of  it  on  old  Smith's  and  old  Brown's  coats;  I  kep' 
a  puttin'  of  it  on  every  day,  and  you  just  bet 
they  ketched  it  from  their  old  women  when  they 
went  home.  Smith,  he's  as  solemnsanowl,  and  old 
Brown  looks  as  if  he  was  a  goin'  to  be  hung." 

The  remains  of  the  boy  were  removed  by  the 
constable,  and  the  Smith  and  Brown  families  are 
once  more  united  and  happy. 


THE   PERIODICITY   OF   STORIES. 

0  intelligent  man  now  doubts  the  Copernican 
theory.  We  know  that  the  planets  revolve 
around  the  sun,  and  that  every  satellite  revolves 
around  its  own  private  planet.  Still,  mankind  has 
been  curiously  slow  to  perceive  that  the  law  upon 
which  the  Copernican  theory  is  based  is  of  vastly 
wider  application  than  astronomers  suppose.  All 
things  do  not  literally  revolve,  but  all  things  have 
their  periodic  times.  For  many  years  after  the 
death  of  COPERNICUS  it  was  imagined  that  the 
comets  were  exempt  from  the  laws  which  govern 
the  planets,  and  it  is  only  within  a  few  years  that 
astronomers  have  discovered  that  the  whole  stellar 
universe  is  revolving  around  some  central  point. 
With  the  solitary  exception  of  the  seventeen-year 
locusts  and  certain  forms  of  epidemic  disease,  the 
law  of  periodicity  is  universally  believed  to  have 


214  SHOOTING    STARS. 

no  application  to  mundane  affairs.  Nevertheless, 
everything  revolves,  either  actually  or  figuratively, 
around  something  .else,  and  has  its  set  times  for 
appearing  and  disappearing;  and  this  great  truth 
will  yet  be  recognized  by  scientific  persons,  as  well 
as  by  the  small  boys  who  have  made  a  profound 
study  of  the  orbits  and  periods  of  circuses. 

Take,  for  example,  the  British  drum-beat. 
DANIEL  WEBSTER  long  ago  announced  the  scientific 
fact  that  this  drum-beat  encircles  the  earth,  and 
that  its  time  of  revolution  is  precisely  that  of  the 
axial  revolution  of  the  earth.  But  who,  among  all 
our  scientific  persons,  has  noticed  that  the  British 
drum-beat  revolves  not  in  the  plane  of  the  equator, 
but  nearly  in  that  of  the  ecliptic  ?  Its  path  may 
be  traced  by  a  line  drawn  from  Gibraltar,  through 
Jamaica,  British  Guiana,  and  the  Fiji  Islands,  to 
Australia,  and  thence  bending  northerly  through 
India,  Suez,  and  Malta  to  the  place  of  beginning. 
It  is  idle  to  suppose  that  this  a  mere  accident. 
Nature,  which  caused  Greenwich  to  be  placed  pre- 
cisely equidistant  between  the  first  parallels  of  east 


THE    PERIODICITY    OF    STORIES.  215 

and  west  longitude,  knew  what  she  was  about 
when  she  ordained  that  the  British  drum-beat 
should  circle  the  earth  in  a  plane  but  slightly  in- 
clined to  that  of  the  ecliptic. 

The  appearance  in  a  Chicago  paper  of  the 
story  of  an  alleged  marriage  ceremony  which  came 
to  an  abrupt  end  because  the  bride  and  groom 
mutually  accused  each  other  of  awkwardness,  fur- 
nishes a  fitting  occasion  to  call  attention  to  the  fact 
that  all  stories  have  their  periodic  times.  The 
story  in  question  was  a  popular  one  precisely 
twenty-six  years  ago,  as  will  appear  by  an  exam- 
ination of  the  comic  almanacs  of  the  year  1851, 
and  its  reappearance  at  this  time  shows  that  its 
periodic  time  is,  in  round  numbers,  twenty-six 
years.  The  Chicago  paper,  ignorant  of  this  fact, 
supposes  that  the  story  is  a  new  one,  just  dis- 
covered by  one  of  its  reporters.  It  is  doubtful  if 
any  story  can  be  called  new  except  in  the  qualified 
sense  in  which  the  detection  of  a  hitherto  unob- 
served comet  is  called  the  discovery  of  a  new 
comet.  All  comets  and  all  stories  have  existed 


216  SHOOTING    STARS. 

during  incalculable  ages,  and  their  regular  reap- 
pearances do  not  justify  us  in  assuming  that  they 
are  new. 

There  is  a  vast  difference  in  the  periodic  time 
of  different  stories,  and  it  is  probable  that  some  of 
them  revisit  the  earth  not  oftener  than  once  in 
many  millions  of  years.  There  is  the  story  of 
"  Bridget  and  the  Unpremeditated  Cat,"  which 
appeared  in  the  year  1794,  but  of  which  no  pre- 
vious or  subsequent  observation  has  ever  been 
made.  The  periodic  time  of  this  improving  and 
retractile  anecdote  is  at  least  six  thousand  years, 
and  may,  for  all  we  know,  be  six  or  sixty  million. 
There  is  a  lamentable  want  of  data  in  regard  to 
the  revolution  of  stories,  but  from  such  imperfect 
data  as  are  accessible  we  can  predict  with  much 
confidence  the  reappearance  of  several  prominent 
stories.  The  one  which  appeared  in  the  Chicago 
paper  will,  of  course — if  its  time  has  been  accu- 
rately computed — reappear  in  1^02,  when  it  will 
suddenly  dawn  upon  a  score  of  simultaneous 
newspapers,  all  of  which  will  hail  it  as  a  genuine 


THE    PERIODICITY    OF     STORIES.  217 

novelty.  Vastly  longer  is  the  period  of  the  story 
of  the  man  who,  with  the  aid  of  his  father,  a 
widow,  and  the  widow's  daughter,  and  an  intricate 
system  of  intermarriage,  hecame  his  own  grand- 
father. The  first  recorded  appearance  of  this  is 
in  a  Sanscrit  work,  translated  by  BURTON,  the 
African  explorer.  Its  second  appearance  was  in 
this  city,  in  1857,  when  it  was  told  with  much 
applause  at  a  negro  minstrel  entertainment.  Be- 
tween these  two  appearances  there  was  an  interval 
of  not  far  from  3,500  years.  We  need,  therefore, 
fear  no  recurrence  of  the  story  until  about  the 
year  5650 ;  a  fact  upon  which  we  may  fairly 
congratulate  ourselves,  in  view  of  its  almost 
unique  tediousness  and  intricacy.  In  contrast 
with  the  long  cycle  through  which  the  grandfather 
story  sweeps,  is  the  brief  period  of  the  anecdote 
of  the  Irishman  who  thought  that  he  would  never 
be  able  to  put  on  a  pair  of  tight  boots  without 
previously  wearing  them  for  a  day  or  two.  This 
reappears  every  two  years  with  unvarying  regu- 
larity, and  though  it  has  been  slightly  modified 


218  SHOOTING    STARS. 

since  the  date  when  the  sandal  expanded  into  the 
boot,  it  has  maintained  the  same  period  for  at 
least  3,000  years. 

It  would  be  impossible,  within  moderate  limits, 
to  discuss  the  causes  which  first  set  stories  in 
motion  and  regulated  them  by  law.  Neither  can 
the  perturbations  and  phases  which  certain  stories 
manifest,  nor  the  disturbing  influence  which  one 
sometimes  exerts  upon  another,  be  more  than 
barely  alluded  to  at  this  time.  Very  little  obser- 
vation is,  however,  needed  to  establish  the  fact 
that  every  story  has  its  periodic  time,  and  that 
its  path  and  its  speed  are  governed  by  natural  and 
inflexible  laws,  as  truly  as  are  the  path  and  speed 
of  the  moon,  or  the  British  drum-beat. 


THE  LATEST  CASE  OF  "  HAZING.'* 

"  T "T AZING  "  has  of  late  become  altogether  too 
-* — •-  frequent — as  the  Herald  often  remarks  of 
murder  and  other  atrocious  crimes.  At  several  of 
our  leading  colleges  unhappy  Freshmen  have  lately 
been  '•'  hazed,"  much  to  their  astonishment  and  dis- 
satisfaction. Bad  as  hazing  is  when  it  is  perpe- 
trated by  boys,  it  is  infinitely  worse  when  young 
ladies  are  the  "  hazers."  Their  little  hands  were 
never  made  to  pull  each  other's  hair  down,  and 
that  they  should  take  part  in  scenes  of  riot  and 
violence  is  particularly  revolting  to  our  nobler 
instincts.  Nevertheless  we  must  expect  that  the 
students  of  female  colleges  will  emulate  the  prac- 
tices of  the  students  of  male  colleges,  and  we  need 
not  be  surprised  to  learn  that  a  peculiarly  atrocious 
case  of  hazing  recently  occurred  at  a  female  college 
the  name  of  which  shall,  from  obvious  motives,  be 
suppressed. 


220  SHOOTING    STARS. 

Among  the  Freshwomen  of  this  nameless  col- 
lege was  one  who  possessed  an  unusually  indepen- 
dent spirit,  and  refused  to  humble  herself  before 
the  haughty  Sophomoresses.  Although  the  latter 
had  forbidden  Freshwomen  to  wear  ribbons,  or  to 
bang  their  hair,  she  openly  fluttered  the  showiest 
ribbons,  and  flaunted  the  most  tightly-crimped  bang 
in  the  faces  of  her  natural  superiors.  Moreover, 
she  wore  a  seal-skin  sack — a  garment  which,  by 
prescription,  had  become  the  badge  of  the  upper- 
class  women — and  being  an  intrinsically  pretty 
girl,  she  attracted  a  degree  of  attention  when  with- 
in sight  of  young  men  which  was  construed  as  a 
personal  insult  to  the  older  students.  There  is  no 
doubt  that  in  these  and  other  ways  she  not  only 
exasperated  the  Sophomoresses,  but  formed  a  sort 
of  n'ucleus  around  which  other  mutinous  Fresh- 
women  might  be  expected  to  gather. 

About  12  o'clock  on  the  night  of  the  23d  of 
March  ,last  the  independent  Fresh  woman  was 
aroused  by  a  gentle  knock  at  her  door.  On  de- 
manding who  was  there,  the  reply  was  made,  "  It's 


THE    LATEST    CASE    OF    "HAZING."  221 

me,  dear ;  I've  got  a  letter  for  you  from  a  young 
man."  In  her  excitement  she  did  not  pause  to 
consider  the  essential  improbability  of  this  reply, 
but  hastily  unlocked  the  door.  Instantly  seven 
girls  rushed  into  the  room,  locked  the  door  behind 
them,  and  seizing  the  unhappy  Freshwoman,  gag- 
ged her  with  a  "  puff,"  and  bound  her  hand  and 
foot  with  two  of  her  own  sashes.  This  done,  she 
was  placed  in  a  chair,  and  forbidden  to  move  a 
muscle  under  pain  of  having  a  live  mouse,  which 
one  of  the  aggressors  had  brought  in  a  small  box, 
let  loose  on  the  floor. 

Such  a  threat  would  have  curdled  the  blood  in 
the  veins  of  most  girls,  but  this  girl  was  made  of 
firmer  material,  and,  instead  of  fainting,  she  sat 
perfectly  still  and  watched  the  "  hazers."  The 
latter  were  led  by  one  of  the  most  riotous  students 
of  the  college,  a  girl  who  had  repeatedly  made  sur- 
reptitious tea  in  her  own  room  after  bed-time,  and 
had  more  than  once  been  known  to  wave  her  hand- 
kerchief at  casual  young  men.  The  whole  party 
had  prepared  themselves  for  their  lawless  work  by 


222  SHOOTING    STARS. 

leaving  their  overskirts  and  their  back  hair  in  their 
rooms.  They  were  evidently  already  under  the 
influence  of  green  tea,  and  they  constantly  made 
use  of  such  revolting  expressions  as  "  my  gracious," 
"  my  goodness  me,"  and  other  equally  shocking 
blasphemies.  They  had  brought  with  them  two 
quart  bottles  of  cold  tea,  a  supply  of  dry  toast,  and 
a  jar  of  jelly.  Seating  themselves  around  the  table, 
they  rapidly  consumed  these  intoxicating  refresh- 
ments, and  the  helpless  Freshwoman's  heart  sank 
within  her  as  she  perceived  that  they  were  delib- 
erately stimulating  themselves  to  a  height  of  reck- 
lessness which  would  fit  them  for  the  most  atrocious 
outrages. 

For  half  an  hour  the  revelers  drank  the  fiery 
green  tea,  and  made  the  midnight  air  ring  with  the 
rollicking  songs  of  Messrs.  MOODY  and  SANKEY.  At 

C  G 

length  the  leader  judged  that  her  companions  were 
ripe  for  any  sort  of  crime,  and  thereupon  summoned 
them  to  carry  out  their  nefarious  design.  They 
began  by  taking  out  and  confiscating  their  victim's 
crimping-pins.  They  then  carefully  cut  off  with  a 


THE    LATEST    CASE    OF    "HAZING."  223 

pair  of  sharp  scissors  every  vestige  of  her  bang, 
leaving  in  its  place  a  short  stubble  that  closely  re- 
sembled a  masculine  beard  of  three  days'  growth. 
The  entire  contents  of  the  victim's  own  bottle  of 
bandoline  was  then  emptied  upon  her  head,  and  her 
hair,  after  being  combed  straight  bac^  from  her  fore- 
head, was  secured  in  that  position  by  a  circular 
comb.  Every  particle  of  ribbon  in  her  possession 
was  seized  by  the  "  hazers,"  who,  in  cruel  mockery 
of  her  fondness  for  ribbons  of  becoming  tints,  pro- 
ceeded to  trim  all  her  dresses  with  a  hideous  parti- 
colored red  and  yellow  ribbon.  All  this  time  the 
victim  of  these  outrages  made  no  sound,  although 
the  powder  with  which  the  "puff"  was  filled  was 
several  times  on  the  point  of  choking  her.  When 
the  "  hazers "  had  finished  their  loathsome  work 
they  removed  the  gag,  and  forced  the  Freshwomau 
to  solemnly  promise  on  a  volume  of  Emerson's  Es- 
says to  wear  only  red  and  yellow  ribbons,  to  send 
her  seal-skin  sack  home  by  express,  and  to  hence- 
forth wear  her  hair  in  the  simple  and  excessively 
unbecoming  fashion  in  which  they  had  arranged  it. 


224  SHOOTING    STARS. 

Probably  she  would  have  refused  at  any  cost  to 
make  such  a  promise  had  she  not  caught  sight  of 
herself  in  the  mirror  and  thus  sustained  a  shock 
which  completely  unnerved  her. 

It  remains  to  be  seen  whether  the  college  au- 
thorities will  permit  this  brutal  assault  upon  a  de- 
fenseless student  to  remain  unpunished  ;  or  whether 
the  spirit  of  "  hazing  "  is  to  be  permitted  to  spread 
among  our  female  colleges,  ruining  the  ribbons  and 
obliterating  the  bangs  of  innocent  Freshwomen. 


THE     END. 


G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS  have  in  preparation  a  scries  of  volumes,  to  be 
issued  usder  the  title  of 

CURRENT    DISCUSSION, 

A  COLLECTION  FROM  THE  CHIEF  ENGLISH  ESSAYS  ON  QUESTIONS 
OF  THE  TIME. 

The  series  will  be  edited  by  EDWARD  L.  BURLINGAME,  and  is  designed  to 
bring  together,  for  the  convenience  of  readers  and  for  a  lasting  place  in  the 
library,  those  important  and  representative  papers  from  recent  English  periodi- 
cals, which  may  fairly  be  said  to  form  the  best  history  of  the  thought  and  in- 
vestigation of  the  last  few  years.  It  is  characteristic  of  recent  thought  and 
'  science,  that  a  much  larger  proportion  than  ever  before  of  their  most  important 
work  has  appeared  in  the  form  of  contributions  to  reviews  and  magazines  ;  the 
thinkers  of  the  day  submitting  their  results  at  once  to  the  great  public,  which  is 
easiest  reached  in  this  way,  and  holding  their  discussions  before  a  large  audience, 
rather  than  in  the  old  form  of  monographs  reaching  the  special  student  only. 
As  a  consequence  there  are  subjects  of  the  deepest  present  and  permanent  in- 
terest, almost  all  of  whose  literature  exists  only  in  the  shape  of  detached  papers, 
individually  so  famous  that  their  topics  and  opinions  are  in  everybody's  mouth 
— yet  collectively  only  accessible,  for  re-reading  and  comparison,  to  those  who 
have  carefully  preserved  them,  or  who  are  painstaking  enough  to  study  long 
files  of  periodicals. 

In  so  collecting  these  separate  papers  as  to  give  the  reader  a  fair  if  not 
complete  view  of  the  discussions  in  which  they  form  a  part ;  to  make  them 
convenient  for  reference  in  the  future  progress  of  those  discussions  ;  and  especi- 
ally to  enable  them  to  be  preserved  as  an  important  part  of  the  history  of 
modern  thought, — it  is  believed  that  this  series  will  do  a  service  that  will  be 
widely  appreciated. 

Such  papers  naturally  include  three  classes  : — those  which  by  their  originality 
have  recently  led  discussion  into  altogether  new  channels ;  those  which  have 
attracted  deserved  attention  as  powerful  special  pleas  upon  one  side  or  the 
other  in  great  current  questions  ;  and  finally,  purely  critical  and  analytical  dis- 
sertations. The  series  will  aim  to  include  the  best  representatives  of  each  of 
these  classes  of  expression. 


It  is  designed  to  arrange  the  essays  included  in  the  Scries  under  such  gen- 
eral divisions  as  the  following,  to  each  of  which  one  or  more  volumes  will  be 
devoted : — 

INTERNATIONAL  POLITICS,  NATURAL  SCIENCE. 

RECENT  ARCHAEOLOGICAL  DISCOVERY, 

QUESTIONS  OF  BELIEF, 

ECONOMICAL  AND  SOCIAL  SCIENCE, 

HISTORY  AND  BIOGRAPHY,  LITERARY  TOPICS. 

Among  the  material  selected  for  the  first  volume  (International  Politics), 
which  will  be  issued  immediately,  are  the  following  papers  : 

ARCHIBALD  FORBES'S  Essay  on  "THE  RUSSIANS,  TURKS,  AND  BUL- 
GARIANS;" Vsct.  STRATFORD  DE  REDCLIFFE'S  "TURKEY;"  Mr.  GLAD- 
STONE'S "MONTENEGRO;"  Professor  GOLDWIN  SMITH'S  Paper  on  "THE 
POLITICAL  DESTINY  OF  CANADA,"  and  his  Essay  called  "  THE  SLAVEHOLDER 
AND  THE  TURK  ;  "  Professor  BLACKIE'S  "  PRUSSIA  IN  THE  NINETEENTH  CEN- 
TURY ;"  EDWARD  DICEY'S  "FUTURE  OF  EGYPT;"  Louis  KOSSUTH'S 
"WHAT  is  IN  STORE  FOR  EUROPE;"  and  Professor  FREEMAN'S  "RELATION 
OF  THE  ENGLISH  PEOPLE  TO  THE  WAR." 

Among  the  contents  of  the  second  volume  (Questions  of  Belief),  are  : 

The  two  well-known  "MODERN  SYMPOSIA;"  the  Discussion  by  Professor 
HUXLEY,  Mr.  HUTTON,  Sir  J.  F.  STEPHEN,  Lord  SELBORNE,  JAMES  MARTIN- 
EAU,  FREDERIC  HARRISON,  the  DEAN  OF  ST.  PAUL'S,  the  DUKE  OF  ARGYLL, 
and  others,  on  "  THE  INFLUENCE  UPON  MORALITY  OF  A  DECLINE  IN  A  RE- 
LIGIOUS BELIEF;  "  and  the  Discussion  by  HUXLEY,  HUTTON,  Lord  BLATCHFORD, 
the  Hon.  RODEN  NOEL,  Lord  SELBORNE,  Canon  BARRY,  GREG,  the  Rev. 
BALDWIN  BROWN,  FREDERIC  HARRISON,  and  others,  on  "THE  SOUL  AND 
FUTURE  LIFE.  Also,  Professor  CALDERWOOD'S  ' '  ETHICAL  ASPECTS  OF  THE 
DEVELOPMENT  THEORY  ;"  Mr.  G.  H.  LEWES'S  Paper  on  "THE  COURSE  UF 
MODERN  THOUGHT;"  THOMAS  HUGHES  on  "THE  CONDITION  AND  PROS- 

SPECTS    OF    THE    CHURCH    OF    ENGLAND;"    W.     H.     MALLOCK's    "  Is    LlfrJi 

WORTH  LIVING  ?  "  FREDERIC  HARRISON'S  "  THE  SOUL  AND  FUTURE  LIFE  ; 
and  the  Rev.  R.  F.  LITTLEDALE'S  "  THE  PANTHEISTIC  FACTOR  IN  CHRISTIAN 
THOUGHT." 

The  volumes  will  be  printed  in  a  handsome  crown  octavo  form,  and  wil 
sell  for  about  $i  50  each. 

G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS,  182  Fifth  Avenue,  New  York. 


BOOKS   BY   THE  AUTHOR   OF   "  HELEN'S   BABIES." 

SO-bltL    ±OOO. 

THE  BARTON  EXPERIMENT.      Square  i6mo,    paper,    50  cts.; 

cloth     ...........     $i  oo 

"  This  is  twice  the  book  that  '  Helen's  Babies  '  is,  and  deserves  to  have  twice 
the  sale."  —  N.  Y.  Evening  Mail. 

"  A  work  of  singular  ability."  —  A^.  Y.  Times. 

'•  There  is  a  fine  humor  as  well  as  genuine  earnestness  about  this  book  that 
makes  it  very  attractive."  —  Springfield  Union. 

"  A  very  fascinating  st9ry."—  Poughkeepsie  Eagle. 

"  A  fresh,  racy,  and  original  book."—  Star  of  the  W«st. 

±  5-bItL    ±OOO. 

THE  SCRIPTURE  CLUB  OF  VALLEY  REST;  or, 
Sketches  of  Everybody's  Neighbor.  Square  i6mo,  with 
frontispiece,  paper,  50  cts.  ;  cloth  .  .  .  .  .  $i  oo 
"The  author  depicts  human  nature  as  he  finds  it,  as  everybody  finds  it."  — 

N.  Y.  Herald. 

"  The  book  is  one  of  acceptable  surprises—  it  is  satire,  it  is  truth,  it  is  nature,  it 

is  argument  ;  it  is  much  more,  but  never  ridicule.    There  is  no  man,  minister  or  lay- 

man, who  is  not  curled  up  into  a  knot  with  bigotry,  but  can  take  kindly  and  laughably 

to  the  discussions  of  the  '  Scripture  Club  of  Valley  Rest,1  whose  members  point  more 

than  one  moral  for  more  than  one  community."—  Chicago  Post. 

"An    odd  compound  of  rollicking   humor  and  stinging  satire."—  Saturday 

Evening  Post. 

"  Full  of  home-thrusts,  and  will  profit  as  well  as  entertain  all  who  read  it."— 

Baltimore  Episcopal  Methodist. 


±000. 

OTHER    PEOPLE'S    CHILDREN       The    Sequel    to    "Helen's 
Babies."     Containing   a  veracious  account  of   the    Management   of 
Helen's  Babies  by  a  lady  who  knew  just  how  the  children  of  other 
people  should  be  trained  ;  also,  a  statement  of  the  exact  measure  of 
the  success  obtained.     Square  i6mo,  with  frontispiece,  paper,  60  cts.  ; 
cloth     ...........     $i  25 

In  this  country  and  in  Great  Britain  over  250,000  copies  have  been  sold  of 

"  Helen's  Babies,"  and  it  is  safe  to  say  that  more  than  half  a  million  of  readers  are 

eagerly  waiting  for  the  narrative  of  the  further  haps  and  mishaps  of  tKose  irresistible 

youths,  "  Budge  "  and  "  Toddie." 

"  Possesses  the  irresistible  charm  of  perfect  naturalness."  —  Pittsburg  Chronicle. 
"  Abounds  in  racy  descriptions  of  comical  combinations  and  ludicrous  situa- 

tions, and  as  a  cause  for  laughter,  its  reading  will  enable  anyone  to  outshake  the 

ague."  —  Christian  Union. 

"  Brimful  of  quaint  humor  and  common  sense."  —  Episcopal  Methodist. 
"  An  irresistible  flow  of  i\u\."—Utica  Observer. 

BUDGE  AND  TODDIE  :  Their  Haps  and  Mishaps.  Being  an 
Illustrated  Edition  of  "Other  People's  Children."  With  designs  by 
LUCY  G.  MORSE.  Octavo,  cloth  extra,  beatifully  printed  and 
bound  ..........  $l  75 

An  illustrated  edition  of  that  now  famous  book,  "  Other  People's  Children,e 
will,  it  is  thought,  find  a  ready  welcome.  The  amusing  illustrations  by  Mrs.  Mors" 
will  add  greatly  to  the  value  of  a  volume  whose  friends  already  number  tens  ot 
housands,  while  the  handsome  form  in  which  the  book  is  issued  will  commend  it  to 
all  uiose  in  search  of  a  desirable  and  readable  presentation  volume. 


PUBLICATIONS  OF  G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS. 

CONSTANTINOPLE.  By  EDMUND'O  DE  AMICIS,  author  of  "A  Journey 
through  Holland,"  "Spain  and  the  Spaniards,"  &c.  Translated  by 
CAROLINE  TILTON.  With  introduction  by  Prof.  VINCENZO  BOTTA. 
Octavo,  cloth. 

A  trustworthy  and  exceptionally  vivid  description  of  the  city  which,  in  the  present 
reopening  of  the  Eastern  question,  is  attracting  more  attention  than  any  other  in  the 
world.  De  Amicis  is  one'of  the  strongest  and  most  brilliant  of  the  present  generation  of 
Italian  writers,  and  this  latest  work  from  his  pen,  as  well  from  the  picturesqueness  of  iti 
descriptions  as  for  its  skilful  analysis  of  the  traits  and  characteristics  of  the  medley  of 
races  represented  in  the  Tffrkish  capital,  possesses  an  exceptional  interest  and  value. 

THE  GREEKS  OF  TO-DAY.  By  Hon.  CHARLES  K.  TUCKERMAN, 
late  Minister  Resident  of  the  U.  S.  at  Athens.  Third  Edition.  i2mo, 

cloth $1.50 

This  work  attracted  special  attention  at  the  time  of  its  publication,  in  1872,  as  giving 
a  trustworthy  and  interesting  picture  of  life  in  Greece,  and  of  the  character  and  status  of 
the  modern  Greek.  At  this  time,  when  public  attention  is  so  generally  directed  towards 
the  scheme  of  practically  re-establishing  a  Greek  empire  and  Greek  supremacy  in  the 
East,  it  is  thought  that  a  new  edition  will  prove  of  interest  and  service. 

"  The  information  contained  in  the  volume  is  ample  and  various,  and  it  cannot  fail 
to  hold  a  high  rank  among  the  authorities  on  modern  Greece." — N.  Y.  Tribune. 

"No  one  can  read  this  book  without  having  his  interest  greatly  increased  in  thii 
brave,  brilliant,  and  in  every  way  remarkable  people." — N.  Y.  Times. 

"  We  know  of  no  book  which  so  combines  freshness  and  fullness  of  information." — 
N.  Y.  Nation. 

ENGLAND ;  POLITICAL  AND  SOCIAL.    By  AUGUSTE   LAUGEL. 

Translated  by  J.  M.  HART.     I2mo,  cloth $1.50 

"  It  is  written  with  a  tone  of  confidence  and  force  of  expression  which  captivate." 
— Buffalo  Commercial. 

"Affords  a  clear,  distinct,  and  comprehensive  view  of  the  political  institutions  of 
England." — N.  Y.  Nation. 

"  Here,  in  every  sense,  is  a  charming  book.     *     *     *     *    So  full  of  thought,  that, 
like  the  best  of  Macaulay's  Essays,  it  will  bear  reading  more  than  once.      *      *      *      * 
We  have  rarely  met  with  more  picture-like  descriptions  of  what  seems  to  have  dwelt  most 
upon  his  mind — English  landscape  scenery  and  rural  life." — N,  Y.  World, 

THE    SILVER  COUNTRY;   or,  THE   GREAT    SOUTHWEST. 

A  Review  of  the  Mineral  and  other  Wealth,  with  the  attractions  and 
material  development  of  the  former  kingdom  of  New  Spain,  comprising 
Mexico  and  the  territory  ceded  by  Mexico  to  the  United  States  in  1848 
and  1853.  By  ALEXANDER  D.  ANDERSON.  8vo,  cloth,  with  Hypso- 
metric Map,  . $i-75 

"Just  at  the  present  moment  everything  which  affords  reliable  information  on  the 
question  of  silver,  its  uses  and  production,  is  of  almost  paramount  interest." — Washington 
National  Republican. 

"  A  very  useful  book  for  those  who  wish  to  study  the  silver  question  in  its  funda- 
mental feature." — Chicago  Journal. 

"  The  book  will  unquestionably  become  the  authority  on  the  subject  of  which  it 
treats." — St.  Louis  Republican. 


WORKS    OF   FICTION 

PUBLISHED    BY 

G.   P.   PUTNAM;S    SONS 

New  York. 


I.    Wych  Hazel.    By  SUSAN  and  ANNA  WARNER,  authors  of  "Wide, 

Wide,.  World,"  "  Queechy,"  Ac.,  Ac.    Large  12mo,  cloth  extra $2  00 

"  If  more  books  of  this  order  were  produced,  It  would  elevate  the  tastes  and  Increase  the  desire  tut 
obtaining  a  higher  order  of  literature."— The  Critic. 

"  We  can  promise  every  lover  of  fine  fiction  a  wholesome  feast  In  the  book."— Boston  Traveler. 

"It  can  hardly  fall  to  be  read  by  thousands,  and  to  be  very  popular." — The  Evangelist. 

IT.  The  Gold  of  Chickaree.  By  the  Authors  of  "  Wych  Hazel," 
"  Wide,  Wide,  World,"  "Dollars  and  Cents,"  Ac.,  Ac.  Large  12mo,  cloth 
extra 1  75 

"  It  would  be  impossible  for  thete  two  sisters  to  write  anything  the  public  wonld  not  care  to 
road." — Boston  Transcript. 

"The  plot  is  fresh,  and  the  dialogue  delightfully  vivacious."— Detroit  Free  Press. 

IH.    Kaloolah.      THE  AUTOBIOGRAPHY  OP  JONATHAN  ROMBR  OF 

NANTUOKET     By  W.  S.  MATO,  M.D.    12rao,  cloth 175 

"  One  of  the  most  admirable  pictures  ever  produced  In  this  country."— Washington  Irving. 

IV.  Never  Again.    By  the  Author  of  "  Kaloolah,"  &c.     One  vol- 
ume, 700  pages,  cloth 2  00 

The  N.  Y.  Times  ipeaks  of  it  as  "  The  first  real  novel  of  American  Society." 
The  London  AtheniEiim  places  its  author  In  "  the  front  rank  of  novelists." 

V.  The  Berber.    A  ROMANCE  op  MOROCCO.     By  the  Author  of 

"  Kaloolah,"  "Never  Again,"  Ac.    12mo,  cloth 1  75 

**A  Romance  of  the  highest  clas«,  replete  with  character,  plot  and  Incident,  and  occupying  ground 
entirely  new."— Home  Journal. 

VI.  Higher  Law.    A  ROMANCE.    By  the  Author  of  "  The  Pilgrim 

and  the  Shrine,"  Ac.,  Ac.    12mo,  clotb 175 

"  There  li  no  novel,  In  short,  which  can  be  compared  to  It  for  iti  width  of  view,  its  cultivation,  Iti 
poetry,  and  IU  deep  human  Interest  »  •  »  »  except  "  Romola."—  London  Westminster  Review. 

VTI.    The  Pilgrim  and  the  Shrine.    By  Edward  Maitland.  12mo, 

cloth 1  60 

"  One  of  the  wisest  and  most  charming  of  books."— London  Westminster  Review. 

VIII.  By  and  By :  AN  HISTORICAL  ROMANCE  OP  THE  FUTURE.  By 
Edward  Maitland,  author  of  "  Higher  Law,"  Ac.  One  volume,  12mo,  cloth, 

extra 1  W 

"Mr.  Maitland  is  a  writer  who  stands  quite  by  hlmielf.  He  possesses  a  style  remarkable  alike 
tor  IU  brilliancy,  Its  delicate  poetical  fancy  and  subtle  humor,  combined  with  a  depth  of  philosophic 
NlecMoB,  which.  In  these  respect*  put  his  works  on  the  same  level  ai  those  of  QMrge  KlUt."— Urn 
loo  Westminster  B*Ttew. 


Just    Published. : 

•TOR     KKKKKKVt  E,     LIBRARIES,    AND     KAMII.Y 

THE  LIBRARY  ATLAS, 

Consisting  of   100  Maps  of  Modern,   Historical,   and  Classic*.' 

Geography,  and  4  Astronomical  Charts,  with  descriptive 

Letter-press  by  Bryce,   Collier,  and  Schmitz, 

and  copious  Indices,  containing  over 

50,000  names.     Large  8vo. 

Half  morocco,  neat 1400 

Half  morocco,  extra 16  00 

A  most  exhaustive  and  comprehensive  work  of  reference. 
[t  gives,  brought  down  to  the  latest  date,  all  the  information 
and  statistics  to  be  found  in  the  expensive  and  unwieldy 
folio  Atlases,  while  its  convenient  octavo  shape,  the  beauty 
and  accuracy  of  its  maps,  which  include  Classical  and  His- 
torical, as  well  as  Modern  Geography,  its  complete  index, 
which  forms  a  Gazetteer  by  itself,  and  its  moderate  price, 
render  it  especially  adapted  for  college,  school,  and  student 

OM. 

G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS, 

182  Fifth  Avenue,  New  York. 


PUBLICATIONS  OF  G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS. 

THE  HOME  ENCYCLOPEDIA  of  Biography,  History,  Literature, 
Chronology  and  Essential  Facts  :  for  Libraries,  Teachers,  Students, 
and  family  use.  Comprehensive,  compact,  and  convenient  for  refer- 
ence. Comprised  in  twc  parts.  Price  in  cloth,  $9  50 ;  in  half 
morocco,  $14  50  ;  sold  separately  or  together. 

Part  I. — The  World's  Progress.  A  Dictionary  of  Dates,  being  a 
'  Chronological  and  Alphabetical  Record  of  all  Essential  Facts  in  the 
Progress  of  Society,  from  the  beginning  of  History  to  August,  1877. 
With  Chronological  Tables,  Biographical  Index,  and  a  Chart  of 
History.  By  G.  P.  PUTNAM,  A.  M.  Revised  and  continued  by 
F.  B.  PERKINS.  In  one  handsome  octavo  volume  of  1,000  pages, 

half  morocco,  $7  oo  ;  cloth  extra $4  50 

Contents:  The  World's  Progress,  1867-1877;  The  Same,  1851-1867; 
The  Same  from  the  Beginning  of  History  to  1851.  United  States 
Treasury  Statistics.  Literary  Chronology,  arranged  in  tables  :  He- 
brew, Greek,  Latin  and  Italian,  British,  German,  French,  Spanish 
and  Portuguese,  Dutch,  Swedish,  Danish,  Polish,  Russian,  Arabian, 
Persian  and  Turkish,  American.  Heathen  Deities  and  Heroes  and 
Heroines  of  Antiquity.  Tabular  views  of  Universal  History.  Bio- 
graphical Index,  General.  The  Same,  Index  of  Artists.  Schools  of 
Painting  in  Chronological  Tables. 

"  A  more  convenient  and  labor-saving  machine  than  this  excellent  compilation 
can  scarcely  be  found  in  any  language." — N.  Y.  Tribune. 

•'The  largest  amount  of  information  in  the  smallest  possible  compass." — 
Bi'jT'alo  Courier. 

"  The  best  manual  of  the  kind  in  the  English  language. — Boston  Courier. 

"  Well-nigh  indispensable  to  a  large  portion  of  the  community.' ' — N.  Y.  Courier 
&"  Register. 

"  Absolutely  essential  to  every  merchant,  student,  and  professional  man."— 
Christian  Enquirer. 

"  It  is  worth  ten  times  its  price  *  *  *  It  completely  supplies  my  need." — 
S.  W.  Riegart,  Principal  of  High  School,  Lancaster,  Pa. 

Part  II. — The  Cyclopaedia  of  Biography :  A  Record  of  the 
Lives  of  Eminent  Men.  By  PARKE  GODWIN.  New  edition,  revised 
and  continued  to  August,  1877.  Octavo,  containing  over  1,200  pages, 
half  morocco,  $7  50  ;  cloth $5  oo 

The  Publishers  claim  for  this  work  that  it  presents  an  admirable  combination 
of  compactness  and  comprehensiveness.  The  previous  editions  have  recommended 
themselves  to  the  public  favor,  as  well  for  the  fulness  of  their  lists  of  essential  names, 
as  for  the  accuracy  of  the  material  given.  The  present  edition  will,  it  is  believed,  be 
found  still  more  satisfactory  as  to  these  points,  and  possesses  for  American  readers  the 
special  advantage  over  similar  English  works,  in  the  full  proportion  of  space  given  to 
eminent  American  names. 

"  We  can  speak  from  long  experience  in  the  use  of  this  book,  as  a  well-thumbed 
copy  of  the  first  edition  has  lain  for  years  on  our  library  table  for  almost  daily  reference. 
A  concise,  compact,  biographical  dictionary  is  one  of  the  most  necessary  and  convenient 
manuals,  and  we  seldom  fail  to  find  what  we  look  for  in  this  excellent  compendium."— 
Home  Journal. 


PUBLICATIONS  OF  G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS. 

FROTHINGHAM  (OCTAVIUS  BROOKS)  The  Life  of  Gerrit 
Smith.  With  portrait  on  Steel,  and  other  illustrations.  Octavo,  cloth 
extra,  (In  Press.)  .  . 

The  life  of  one  who  was  an  earnest  philanthropist,  a  devoted  worker  in  the  anti- 
slavery  cause,  and  a  clear-headed  man  of  business,  who  had  an  active  and  important 
part  to  play  in  the  history  and  development  of  his  native  State,  and  in  the  reform  move- 
ments of  the  whole  country.  The  volume  is  of  moderate  compass,  and  presents  in  an 
artistic  narrative  the  story  of  a  life  of  unique  character  and  value. 

MAZADE  (CHARLES  de)  The  Life  of  Count  Cavour.  Trans- 
lated by  GEO.  MEREDITH.  Octavo,  cloth  extra,  .  .  $3  oo 

The  life  of  Cavour  is  the  record  of  the  founding  of  the  Kingdom  of  Italy,  or  rather 
of  the  forming  of  the  Italian  Nation.  The  biographer  has  brought  to  this  work  a  hearty 
appreciation  of  and  admiration  for  his  subject,  a  full  knowledge  of  the  history 
of  the  time,  and  a  terse,  epigrammatic  style ;  and  the  translation  has  been  per- 
formed with  taste  and  accuracy.  The  volume  is  alike  indispensable  to  the  student  of 
modern  history,  and  fascinating  to  the  general  reader. 

PROCTOR  (RICHARD  A.)  The  Myths  and  Marvels  of  As- 
tronomy. Octavo,  cloth. $4  oo 

Mr.  Proctor  is  always  an  interesting  writer,  and  has  taken  for  his  present  work  a 
subject  that  under  the  dullest  treatment  would  be  fascinating  reading.  A  large  part  of 
the  volume  is  devoted  to  the  Science  of  Astrology,  which  has  itself  produced  a  library 
of  literature,  and  in  the  remaining  chapters  he  discusses  the  long  list  of  legends  and 
marvels  which  the  imagination  of  man  has  from  time  immemorial  associated  with  the 
heavenly  bodies. 

SELECT  BRITISH  ESSAYISTS  (The)  A  series  planned  to 
consist  of  half  a  dozen  volumes,  comprising  the  representative  papers  of 
The  Spectator,  Tatler,  Guardian,  Rambler,  Lounger,  Mirror,  Looker- 
On,  etc.,  etc.  Edited,  with  Introduction  and  Biographical  Sketches  of 
the  Authors,  by  JOHN  HABBERTON. 

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